Barney's Version Page #10

SOLANGE:

Thank you for landing us safely,

Constable.

O'MALLEY

Hopefully the weather will be moreforgiving next time I pass through.

SOLANGE:

Well you can be sure my landing stripwill be cleared for you.

WHITE 10-23-09 55.

DIRECTOR (O.S.)

CUT! Great, turning around!

Solange immediately bursts into tears. The crew go abouttheir business.

DIRECTOR (CONT'D)

(to Barney)

What's wrong with Solange?

BARNEY:

Her fiancee died in a plane crash.

DIRECTOR:

That was over a year ago. Look at

her, you'd think it just-

BARNEY:

To let you finish that thought wouldbe an insult to stupidity.

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT

Barney, there's a call for you. AMiriam Grant-

Barney BOLTS from his chair.

INT. OFFICE - SOUNDSTAGE - DAY

BARNEY:

(into phone)

Miriam?!

INT. NEW YORK RADIO STATION - OFFICE - SAME TIME

Miriam closes the door to a tiny office for privacy.

MIRIAM:

Barney, this has to stop.

INTERCUT:

BARNEY:

You got my flowers?

MIRIAM:

I got the flowers, and the gifts every

week it's something else. I

don't know where to start with how

inappropriate all this is.

BARNEY:

Just skip ahead to where I've alreadygone from annoying and inappropriateto charming and endearing.

WHITE 10-23-09 56.

MIRIAM:

You're a married man and I won't be

involved with you in any way.

BARNEY:

I know, I'm sorry. Why don't wetalk about it over lunch. I could

be there tomorrow-

MIRIAM:

Are you listening to me?

BARNEY:

Every word.

MIRIAM:

Really? Well, words matter. Actions

matter. They have consequences.

If you want people to take youseriously, then act accordingly. Do

you understand me, Barney?

BARNEY:

Yes.

MIRIAM:

What am I saying?

BARNEY:

(beat)

"Be great in act, as you have inthought".

MIRIAM:

(surprised)

Well, yes, exactly.

(curt)

I have to go. Stop this nonsenseand focus on your marriage.

BARNEY:

I'm so happy you called. Thank you.

Barney smiles, feeling like progress is being made.

EXT. BARNEY AND THE SECOND MRS. P'S HOUSE - MORNING

A nouveau riche house in a nouveau riche neighborhood.

INT. BARNEY AND THE SECOND MRS. P'S HOUSE - MORNING

The furnishings of their home are excessive and overbearing.

There's no doubting it's The Second Mrs. P who decorated it.

WHITE 10-23-09 57.

SHOPPING BAGS from high end department stores stretch alongthe entire length of the ground floor hallway.

With the phone tucked to her ear, The Second Mrs. P flutters

about, rearranging knick-knacks.

SECOND MRS. P

(into phone)

--I had a bowl of cottage cheese andfruit, I'm watching my figure... Ma,

so don't eat bagels if they make youbloated... No, you have a wonderfulfigure for a woman your age.... whatdid I say wrong?... Well it's the

only voice I have so if you don'tlike it we can start sending eachother telegrams instead...

She's flipping through a stack of framed wall hangings leaningagainst a wall, deciding on something to hang. She pulls outthe familiar sketch CLARA made of Barney drawn to look likeSatan. It makes her gag. She carries it into the kitchen-

INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

Where Barney is reading the sport section with breakfast.

SECOND MRS. P

(re:
Clara's Drawing)

Get rid of this filth... No, ma, Iwasn't talking to you... To the kingof Macedonia, who do you think?...

Listen, I have to go, I still have tovacuum the Broadloom downstairs... I

had to fire the maid... Why? Becausewhen Barney and I would go out hisfather would sneak over and have sex

with her... I know it's disgusting...

Ma, you asked!... Okay, I'll pick youup at noon. Goodbye.

She hangs up. Looks at Clara's drawing again.

SECOND MRS. P (CONT'D)

If you don't throw this out, I will.

BARNEY:

I'll bring it up to the country house.

SECOND MRS. P

And make sure your buddy doesn'tthrow up all over the place. We

just changed all the carpets.

Barney continues reading - tuning her out completely.

WHITE 10-23-09 58.

Barney!

SECOND MRS. P (CONT'D)

BARNEY:

Absolutely.

SECOND MRS. P

Tell me something - you were at thegame last night, do you think thescore somehow changed overnight?

BARNEY:

(standing)

I have to get going.

SECOND MRS. P

BARNEY, THIS IS IMPORTANT!!

BARNEY:

What's important?

SECOND MRS. P

THIS. Talking. Communicating.

This is what marriage is.

BARNEY:

(annoyed)

You don't want Boogie puking all overthe carpets and your mother's bloated.

Does that pretty much cover it?

SECOND MRS. P

Do I talk down to you like that?

BARNEY:

I really have to go. See you in acouple days.

A quick peck on the forehead and he's gone.

EXT. FLEABAG HOTEL - DAY

Barney waits in his car outside a fleabag hotel. Boogieemerges from the building, high, stumbles toward Barney's

car. He looks like the full-fledged junkie he has become.

His appearance is shocking to Barney.

BOOGIE:

Guess I don't qualify for the "youlook great" greeting.

BARNEY:

Just get in.

Boogie gets in the car. In bad shape.

WHITE 10-23-09 59.

BARNEY (CONT'D)

I thought you came here to kick.

BOOGIE:

C'mon, I was on a fifteen hour flight,

I had to fix one more time.

(beat)

I'm really going to kick this time.

A week locked up in the country andI'll be good as new.

EXT. COTTAGE - DAY

Barney pulls up to the cottage with Boogie passed out in thefront seat. THE SECOND MRS. P is on the porch, drinkingwine, looking very attractive in a tight fitting summer dress.

Barney helps Boogie up the steps.

SECOND MRS. P

I thought I'd surprise you.

BARNEY:

Surprise.

INT. GUEST BEDROOM - COTTAGE - DUSK

Barney drops Boogie onto the bed. He's out cold.

INT. DINING ROOM/KITCHEN - COUNTRY HOUSE - NIGHT

Dinner is already laid out. A roast, potatoes, greens.

SECOND MRS. P

Why didn't you tell me this was whyyou were coming up here?

BARNEY:

He asked me not to tell anyone, andhe needed somewhere safe to kick.

SECOND MRS. P

Yeah, it's called rehab.

Barney goes to the bar and fixes himself a drink.

BARNEY:

Do you want one?

SECOND MRS. P

Just bring the bottle to the tableso you don't have to jump up everytwo minutes.

WHITE 10-23-09 60.

BARNEY:

Wow, are we ever in for a good timethis weekend.

SECOND MRS. P

You don't know the half of it. Look

what I found while going throughyour pockets.

She produces a BILL from 'GRAND FLORISTS'.

BARNEY:

What about it?

SECOND MRS. P

Well played, no hesitation.

BARNEY:

You're going to be very embarrassedwhen those show up.

SECOND MRS. P

Stop. I called the florist. While

usually discreet about their clients,

the ray of sunshine that is you leftthe manager eager to tell me youhave a standing order of roses tosomeone in New York every week.

BARNEY:

Jesus Christ. This is ridiculous.

You want to pick through every receiptI have? I'm not going to stay hereand take this.

Barney storms out to the DECK.

EXT. DECK - COUNTRY HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

She follows him out.

SECOND MRS. P

Be a man, Barney.

Barney stares out at the lake. He won't look her in the eye.

BARNEY:

I've never been unfaithful to you.

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