Barney's Version Page #11

SECOND MRS. P

So who are the flowers for?

BARNEY:

An actress we're trying to get for anew pilot.

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SECOND MRS. P

What's her name?

BARNEY:

Can we talk about this in the morning?

SECOND MRS. P

No. I don't understand what youwant anymore. Before we got marriedyou couldn't keep your hands off me.

Now it's been months since we made

love. You say you've never beenunfaithful, so what is it then?

(softer)

On our wedding night I came up behindyou and you were saying how hopelesslyin love you were. It was the happiestmoment of my life. I keep goingback to that just to have somethingto hold onto.

(beat)

What happened? Why did you even marry me?

He can't bring himself to answer her. It hurts her like

hell, but she's not going to cry in front of him.

SECOND MRS. P (CONT'D)

I'm so ashamed. And you are such aliar. F*** you.

She goes back inside.

EXT. COTTAGE - DAWN

The sound of cicada. The calm of the lake. Barney's cottageis a true country paradise.

INT. KITCHEN - COTTAGE - MORNING

Wiping the sleep from her eyes, The Second Mrs. P shuffles

into the kitchen and finds a note on the fridge:

"Had to go into town for the day. Call you later - Barney".

SECOND MRS. P

Shmuck.

EXT. GRUMPY'S - DAY

Barney parks in front of Grumpy's and heads inside.

INT. GRUMPY'S BAR - DAY

Two Scotches on the table. Izzy reads the paper as he waitsfor Barney in a booth. Barney drops down across from him.

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BARNEY:

I have to get a divorce.

IZZY:

Jesus Christ.

(beat)

Did you cheat?

BARNEY:

No.

IZZY:

Did she?

BARNEY:

No.

IZZY:

So what happened?

BARNEY:

I'm in love with someone else.

IZZY:

Who?

BARNEY:

You don't know her.

IZZY:

Where'd you meet her?

BARNEY:

You don't want to know.

IZZY:

You ask me here to talk and now youdon't want to talk. What do youwant from me?

BARNEY:

Some paternal wisdom.

Beat.

IZZY:

Boychick, listen. I know how hard

marriage can be.

In the beginning it's all brisketsand blowj*bs and la-di-da, ain't lifegrand, and then real life starts.

You come home from work and all theywant to do is talk and all you wantto do is screw and soon enough every

(MORE)

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IZZY (CONT'D)

day is like pushing an avocado througha cheese grater - it all just feelslike you're holding sh*t in your hands.

Beat.

BARNEY:

What are you talking about?

IZZY:

Maybe you just need to take a stepback before you do anything rash.

Let's take a good, hard look at thesituation. You're married to a well-

bred woman who's loaded, makes anice, flaky kugel and has a greatrack. Many successful marriageswere built on far less.

BARNEY:

Can we drop this? Just forget Iever said anything.

IZZY:

She's a tough cookie. If you divorceher, she's gonna take you to thecleaners.

BARNEY:

You know how rich her father is.

She's going to inherit a shitload of

money.

IZZY:

And you think that'll stop her fromtaking all of yours?

BARNEY:

I don't care.

IZZY:

Is that so?

BARNEY:

Yeah.

Izzy registers the depth of Barney's true feelings.

IZZY:

So tell me her name.

BARNEY:

Miriam.

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IZZY:

And is this the one? Is she the

mother of your children?

BARNEY:

Absolutely.

IZZY:

Alright then, let's do this.

INT. BARNEY'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Barney lays on the sofa watching TV. Scotch. Cigar.

BARNEY:

(into phone)

I'll be back tomorrow. I'm too drunk

to drive tonight.

SECOND MRS. P (O.S.)

You're leaving me with the junkie?!

Are you with your whore?

BARNEY:

No.

SECOND MRS. P (O.S.)

So you do have a whore! You

sonofabitch, my father was rightabout you-

Barney holds the phone away from his ear as she drones on.

He considers responding, but then just hangs up.

INT/EXT. BARNEY'S CAR - DRIVING - COUNTRY ROAD - MORNING

Still hungover, chugging coffee, Barney drives up to thecottage. The RADIO NEWS tells us it's 8:25 AM.

INT. COTTAGE - MORNING

Barney enters the house. Walks down the hall. Hears noises

coming from the guest bedroom. He opens the door to find...

INT. GUEST BEDROOM - COTTAGE - CONTINUOUS

The Second Mrs. P, naked, moaning, and riding Boogie in themidst of hot, hard sex until she sees Barney:

SECOND MRS. P

AAAAAAA!!!

The Second Mrs. P rolls off Boogie and falls onto the floorwith a cringe worthy THUD.

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Kicking and screaming, she scrambles to cover herself withthe bedding, spilling an open bottle of Whisky in the process.

Barney is frozen with shock.

SECOND MRS. P (CONT'D)

GET OUT!

Barney backs out of the room...

INT. HALL - COTTAGE - CONTINUOUS

It takes a moment for the situation to sink in. Once it

does, he smiles. Things are looking up for him.

INT. HALL - COTTAGE - MOMENTS LATER

In only her nightie, The Second Mrs. P storms out of the

guest room past Barney.

SECOND MRS. P

This is all your fault, you bastard,

sonofabitch-

BARNEY:

My fault?!

Barney follows her into -

INT. BEDROOM - COTTAGE - CONTINUOUS

In tears, she throws on whatever clothes she can find.

BARNEY:

My wife and my best friend...

SECOND MRS. P

I brought him something to eat, hewas trembling, his sheets were soaked,

I only laid down beside him to tryto keep him warm... I still don't

know how he got my nightie off.

BARNEY:

It must have been magic, then.

SECOND MRS. P

We shouldn't talk about this now

while I'm so upset.

BARNEY:

You're so upset?!

She hustles out and down the hall. He follows.

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INT. HALL - COTTAGE - CONTINUOUS

SECOND MRS. P

I'm going to my mother's.

BARNEY:

Tell her we're getting divorced!

She exits.

EXT. COTTAGE - CONTINUOUS

She goes toward her car. Barney right behind her.

SECOND MRS. P

You tell her yourself! No, don't she

has a root canal today.

She gets in her car, starts the engine, rolls down the window.

BARNEY:

I was coming back to try to workthings out.

SECOND MRS. P

Bullshit. I bet the two of you

perverts arranged this together

BARNEY:

Ha! I'm going to kill him for this,

then I'll come for you, and just forkicks, your mother after that!

SECOND MRS. P

Go to hell! Animal!

She drives away, kicking up a cloud of dust in her wake.

INT. DEN - COTTAGE - MORNING

Barney walks in to find Boogie chugging right from a bottleof Scotch. He's already very drunk.

BARNEY:

I should kill you for this.

BOOGIE:

What you should have done was call first.

Boogie pours Barney a glass, who reticently takes it.

BARNEY:

How could you do that to me?

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BOOGIE:

She did it to me. It was innocent

enough to start with - she broughtme something to eat, started talking you

know how that goes - tells mehow you've been shirking yourhusbandly duties, que sera sera...

BARNEY:

So you f***ed her?

BOOGIE:

It was the only thing that wouldshut her up.

Boogie shakes the empty Scotch bottle at Barney.

BARNEY:

Check the dining room. I'm going toneed you to do something for me.

Testify that I came home to you inbed with my wife.

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