Barney's Version Page #14

Miriam is sitting in an easy chair, her legs crossed, readingthe New York Times. Barney stirs awake. She moves to sit

at the edge of the bed.

MIRIAM:

How are you feeling?

BARNEY:

You're never going to speak to meagain I'm going to kill myself.

Beat.

MIRIAM:

Are you done?

BARNEY:

Please don't leave.

She reaches for his page of HANDWRITTEN CRIB NOTES titled

"conversation topics".

WHITE 10-23-09 81.

MIRIAM:

What would you like to talk about All

The President's Men, Herzog or

Alphonse Daudet - nice reference, bythe way.

BARNEY:

I'm an idiot.

MIRIAM:

Don't be so modest. You obviouslyexpected me to come up to your room.

BARNEY:

Never.

MIRIAM:

So the champagne and roses are foranother woman?

Barney lifts his throbbing head to see for himself. Sure

enough there's two bottles of champagne and two dozen roses.

BARNEY:

Oh God...

He covers his face and begins to MOAN. Miriam finds it all

utterly amusing. She pries his hands from his face.

MIRIAM:

Why don't you get cleaned up, we'llget some fresh air, and maybe a sliceof pizza. I'm absolutely starving.

Off Barney's delight -

EXT. STREET - CENTRAL PARK - DUSK

They stroll along the park. Barney rambles on, desperatelytrying to keep Miriam engaged. He hardly even breathesbetween words.

BARNEY:

--"The Big Apple" is actually an oldracetrack term, credited to JohnFitzgerald - a sports writer for theherald in the 30's. He'd heard old

stable hands from Mississippi use itwhen referring to the New Yorkracetracks. Getting to race in NewYork was considered hitting the bigtime - getting a bite of that "BigApple" and I'm just going to keeptalking because I'm afraid if I stop

(MORE)

WHITE 10-23-09 82.

BARNEY (CONT'D)

there's going to be pause, or a break,

where you'll say "it's getting late"

or, "I should probably get going"

and I'm not ready for that to happen,

I don't want it to happen. Ever.

And then he finally just runs out of steam. They stop walkingand face each other for what seems like an eternity to him.

MIRIAM:

There it was. The pause.

BARNEY:

Yeah.

Beat.

MIRIAM:

I'm still here.

EXT. EAST RIVER - NIGHT

They walk along the East River. Their body language nowmore intimate.

MIRIAM:

--I adored my father. He was myhero. Until I found out he was

sleeping with every factory girl hecould get on the side.

(beat)

It killed my mother. That's what

gave her cancer.

BARNEY:

That's a bit unfair.

MIRIAM:

No, it's not. It devastated everypart of her. Mind and body. Heart

and soul. And that will never happento me.

BARNEY:

I would never do that to you.

MIRIAM:

I want one thing from you.

BARNEY:

Anything.

WHITE 10-23-09 83.

MIRIAM:

See, that's what scares me about

you. Don't answer 'anything'. That's

not real, and life is real. It's

made up of little things - minutesand hours and errands and naps androutine, and that has to be enough.

After all you've done to pursue me,

how can I ever trust you?

BARNEY:

That's a reasonable question.

Barney thinks hard. He knows he needs to come up withsomething good. Then he rifles through his pocket and pullsout a CIGAR CLIPPER. He SNAPS it shut for effect.

BARNEY (CONT'D)

I'll cut it off. Right away.

MIRIAM:

Now you're offering to be my eunuch?

BARNEY:

Like I said, I'll do anything for

you, Miriam.

MIRIAM:

Well, you're not going to do that.

We're going to be needing it.

She kisses him. Together they fall into an embrace neitherwill ever forget.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. COTTAGE - DAY (1979)

Barney and Miriam have an outdoor wedding ceremony at hiscottage. Only closest friends and family are in attendance,

including Solange and Jeff (from the wedding) and his boyfriend.

NOTARY:

--And do you take this man to be

your lawfully wedded husband?

MIRIAM:

I do.

NOTARY:

And do you-

BARNEY:

I sure as hell do.

WHITE 10-23-09 84.

Barney can't wait another second. He kisses her.

IZZY:

MAZEL TOV!!!

Izzy, tears already streaming down his face, grabs Miriamand gives her a hard kiss on the lips. Everyone CHEERS!

EXT. DOCK - COTTAGE - NIGHT

The party is winding down. Guests are still up at the house,

on the porch, drinking, slow dancing. It's a beautiful night.

Barney is out on the dock alone, staring at the lake when Miriamjoins him. She wraps her arms around him from behind.

BARNEY:

He promised he'd never miss any ofmy weddings.

Miriam kisses him tenderly then takes him by the hand andleads him back up to the house.

CUT TO:

EXT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - DAY (1982)

Barney and Miriam's apartment. (Where Barney still lives).

INT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - KITCHEN - DAY

Barney is chopping an ONION as he prepares lunch. His eyesfilled with tears. Miriam walks in carrying MICHAEL, who isonly a few months old.

MIRIAM:

Oh, Barney, put it in the freezer.

BARNEY:

What?

MIRIAM:

Put the onion in the freezer for a

few minutes before you chop it.

Then it won't make you cry.

BARNEY:

How did I not know that?

MIRIAM:

I think he's ready for his nap.

BARNEY:

Really?

WHITE 10-23-09 85.

INT. BABY'S ROOM - DAY

They watch Michael fast asleep in his crib. Then look at

each other with mischievous grins -

INT. BEDROOM - DAY

Barney appears in the doorway in his boxers. Miriam is

already naked and waiting with her best "come hither" look.

He runs and leaps onto the bed. They laugh hysterically asthey roll around and start to make love.

TIME DISSOLVE TO:

A SERIES OF STILL IMAGES MOVE US FORWARD IN TIME:

CUT TO:

EXT. COTTAGE - DUSK (1994)

A perfect day. Barney and Izzy sit on the deck, their feet

up, drinking Scotch, smoking cigars.

Michael (12) and Kate (9) play frisbee by the lake with Miriam.

The sun is setting. The sky a perfect orange hue.

Barney looks out at the stunning landscape, his children,

and his gorgeous wife.

He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, holding onto this

moment of perfection.

He opens his eyes. Izzy's watching him. Barney expects a

typical Izzy-ism.

BARNEY:

What?

IZZY:

You did good, kid.

Izzy puffs away on his cigar, leaving it at that.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. COTTAGE - LAKE - DAY (1995)

Barney and Michael (13) are fishing in a small outboard motorboat in the middle of the lake. Michael is bored silly asany young boy would be.

BARNEY:

Anything?

WHITE 10-23-09 86.

No.

MICHAEL:

Beat.

A nibble?

BARNEY:

No, dad.

MICHAEL:

Burgers?

BARNEY:

YES.

MICHAEL:

BARNEY:

Tell your mother we threw them allback.

Barney lays down their rods and pulls on the RIPCORD. The

engine won't turn. He tries again, and again, working up abig sweat. He takes a breather.

Michael stares blankly at him.

BARNEY (CONT'D)

Don't worry. I'll get it.

Again - harder, angrier.

BLAIR (O.S.)

Need any help?

PADDLING toward them in a canoe - BLAIR (52). Tree hugger.

Birkenstocks. Soft. Harmless.

BARNEY:

(yanking on rope)

No - thanks - it - just needs a little-

He TEARS the rope right out of the motor.

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