Barney's Version Page #15

BLAIR:

Just toss me your anchor rope andI'll tow you in.

INT. COTTAGE - KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER

Miriam hands Blair a glass of Iced Tea.

BLAIR:

I'm renting a cottage here. I justmoved from New York.

WHITE 10-23-09 87.

BARNEY:

What do you do, Blair?

BLAIR:

I work in radio.

MIRIAM:

I used to work in radio in New York.

BLAIR:

Really? Where?

MIRIAM:

At WZAJ. It's a little jazz station.

BLAIR:

Sure I know it. Ronald Lewis is an

old friend of mine.

MIRIAM:

You're kidding? He gave me my firstjob.

BLAIR:

Isn't that coincidence. The universe

works in strange and mysterious ways.

BARNEY:

I was going to throw some burgers onthe bar-b-que. Want to join us?

BLAIR:

I'm a vegan, but thank you.

BARNEY:

A what? Is that treatable?

MIRIAM:

I could make a salad.

BLAIR:

I don't want to impose, and I shouldpaddle back before it gets dark. It

was lovely to meet the both of you.

They all say goodbye and Blair exits.

BARNEY:

(calling out)

Michael, want to do the bar-b-que?

MICHAEL (O.S.)

Yeah.

WHITE 10-23-09 88.

BARNEY:

Fire it up.

EXT. COTTAGE - DECK - MOMENTS LATER

The bar-b-que is lit. Miriam carries hamburger patties outto the boys when they all hear -

RRRRR - the sound of an outboard motor. They all look downto the lake where they see Blair standing on the dock.

BLAIR:

(yelling)

It was just a loose distributor wire.

And I re-attached the rip cord.

Blair waves, then hops in his canoe.

MIRIAM:

That was nice of him.

Barney grunts and waves half heartedly.

CUT TO:

INT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - KITCHEN - NIGHT -PRESENT

DAY:

BACK TO PRESENT DAY.

Miriam's RADIO SHOW plays on the radio.

MIRIAM (V.O.)

--and we're going to end our programwith a request from our regularlistener, Alphonse from Montreal:

Leonard Cohen's "Dance Me To The End

Of Love". I'm Miriam Grant. As

always, thank you for listening.

CU - BARNEY CRYING

As he chops an ONION while cooking dinner. The phone RINGS.

He answers, pressing his sleeve to his eyes to halt the sting.

BARNEY:

Hello?... Michael, hi... I land atfive... I'll just grab a cab to yourplace... okay, love you.

He hangs up. The song continues over -

WHITE 10-23-09 89.

INT. TAXI - NEW YORK CITY - DAY

Barney riding in a yellow cab with a bag from SCHWARTZ'S on

the seat beside him. He sees a young couple kissing in thesame spot where he and Miriam first kissed.

CUT TO:

INT. MICHAEL'S LOFT - BROOKLYN - NIGHT

Barney and Michael watch a hockey game together. Barney isyelling at the TV, halfway through a bottle of Scotch andsmoking a cigar. The table littered with remnants of a meal

from Schwartz's Smoked Meat.

BARNEY:

(yelling at TV)

Useless goddamn pansy ref, get yourhead out of your ass!!

Caroline enters - business suit, briefcase. A belligerentBarney coupled the disorderly mess of the apartment is thelast thing she wanted to end her day with. Michael greetsher at the door.

CAROLINE:

I thought you were going out fordinner.

MICHAEL:

(apologetic))

Dad brought in smoked meat fromMontreal.

CAROLINE:

(to Michael)

Didn't we agree to no cigars in thehouse?

Barney looks to Michael for backup, but is met with silence.

He grudgingly taps out the cigar.

BARNEY:

Am I still allowed to use the bathroom

or would you prefer I leave mybusiness in paper bags by the door?

Recyclable ones, of course.

CAROLINE:

Turn that down please, I have to getup early.

She heads off to the bedroom. Michael scowls at Barney.

WHITE 10-23-09 90.

BARNEY:

What? The woman hates me.

MICHAEL:

Maybe she wouldn't hate you if youdidn't behave like a child.

BARNEY:

Chicken and the egg.

MICHAEL:

No, dad, it's not. You can't keepacting this way. Not with us, orMom and Blair.

BARNEY:

So you're speaking for your mother now?

MICHAEL:

Just leave them alone already. She's

not coming back to you.

BARNEY:

If that's what you're so angry about,

then fine. Tell your mother from thismoment on she is forgotten. Erased.

Nothing but a wisp of gray on theotherwise full, dark mane of my life.

MICHAEL:

I'm sure she'll appreciate the sentiment,

if not the poetry. Good-night.

Michael starts to walk out-

BARNEY:

Michael...

MICHAEL:

What?

BARNEY:

What have you told her about me?

MICHAEL:

I tell her everything. That's what

couples do.

BARNEY:

Spare me the sermon. I see the wayshe looks at me.

MICHAEL:

What are you talking about?

WHITE 10-23-09 91.

BARNEY:

I saw O'Hearne's book on her nighttable. She can't even be bothered

to hide it from me. How could youlet her read that? She even has all

these pages dog-eared in it...

(beat)

When she asks about Boogie, what doyou tell her?

Michael doesn't answer.

Barney readies himself for one of the hardest things he'sever had to ask.

BARNEY (CONT'D)

Do you think I could have possiblydone that?

Beat.

MICHAEL:

Only you really know.

Michael exits. That devastates Barney. He simply deflates.

From outside, a CAR ALARM has begun to whine. Its incessant

squeal turns into -

FLASHBACK TO:

INT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - KITCHEN - NIGHT -PAST

(2000)

A KETTLE WHISTLING.

Barney pours two cups of tea. Then smells a jar of HONEY,

not sure if it's still good.

INT. DEN - CONTINUOUS

Barney carries the tea and honey on a tray. Miriam is on

the sofa watching a NEWS MAGAZINE PROGRAM.

MIRIAM:

(re:
on TV)

That's Taylor Gates.

BARNEY:

(re:
honey)

Tell me if this is still good.

WHITE 10-23-09 92.

MIRIAM:

She was my intern before we gotmarried. She could barely stringtwo words together.

Miriam drips the honey into her tea without smelling it. She

passes it to Barney who is still not convinced it's edible.

MIRIAM (CONT'D)

Honey doesn't go bad.

BARNEY:

Ever?

MIRIAM:

Archeologists found honey in Egyptiantombs thousands of years old and itwas still edible.

Barney shrugs, uses the honey. Miriam curls herself into

the corner of the sofa, feeling depressed.

MIRIAM (CONT'D)

Everyone seems to be doing prettyinteresting things nowadays.

BARNEY:

Giving birth and raising two amazingchildren is pretty interesting.

MIRIAM:

But it doesn't command much respect,

now does it?

BARNEY:

Miriam-

MIRIAM:

It doesn't matter.

Miriam grabs a magazine from the coffee table, shutting downthe conversation.

EXT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING

Autumn. Michael (now 18) and a few buddies have loaded thelast of his things into a small U-Haul. It's off to college.

MIRIAM:

(crying)

My baby.

MICHAEL:

Mom, I'm not going to war. I'll be

back for thanksgiving.

WHITE 10-23-09 93.

She kisses Michael one last time.

MIRIAM:

Okay, I'm going inside.

MICHAEL:

(to Barney)

Any last words of wisdom?

BARNEY:

You need money, ask me. Don't start

selling dope.

MICHAEL:

No selling dope. Got it. Anythingelse?

Barney takes him in his arms.

BARNEY:

I love you.

MICHAEL:

I love you too, dad.

A quick goodbye to Kate (16).

KATE:

Take care of yourself.

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