Barney's Version Page #16

Michael jumps into the truck, starts to pull out.

BARNEY:

Pull over if you get tired!

EXT. RITZ CARLTON HOTEL GARDEN - DAY

Barney and Miriam having lunch out in the lush, beautifulgarden of the Ritz.

Miriam stares absently at her plate. Her mind elsewhere.

She sets down her cutlery. Her food only half eaten.

BARNEY:

He had to move out eventually.

MIRIAM:

I know. That's not it.

(beat)

I want to go back to work. I've been

thinking about this for a while.

Blair said he can get me freelancework. It's just research and writingfor now but it could lead to other

things. Maybe even on air.

WHITE 10-23-09 94.

BARNEY:

And I'm sure Blair will do everythinghe can for you.

MIRIAM:

Stop that.

BARNEY:

(beat)

Are you unhappy?

MIRIAM:

No. Not in the way you're trying toget at.

BARNEY:

Then in which way?

JEAN THE MAITRE'D comes over.

JEAN:

How is everything?

MIRIAM:

Excellent, as always.

JEAN:

May I get you anything else?

BARNEY:

We're fine. Thank you, Jean.

Jean leaves. Barney sulks, polishing off his wine.

MIRIAM:

I knew how you would take this.

BARNEY:

It's just that I've worked this hardso you wouldn't ever have to. So youcould be here with the kids and me.

We both agreed that was important.

MIRIAM:

It was important. But Michael's

gone, soon Kate will be too, andyou're as grown up as you'll everbe. Where does that leave me? I

need more stimulation in my life. I

have to believe I can be somethingother than just a wife and mother.

BARNEY:

I'll quit working.

(MORE)

WHITE 10-23-09 95.

BARNEY (CONT'D)

We'll retire early, travel, go toItaly, get a Villa on Lake Como.

MIRIAM:

You can't just fix this like you doeverything else. I don't want you to.

(beat)

I need to do this. Can you try andunderstand?

BARNEY:

Of course. Whatever you want to do,

I'm behind it. A hundred percent.

He fakes through the deep panic he's feeling inside.

INT. CBC RADIO STATION - BOOTH - NIGHT

Miriam interviews a distinguished looking man on the air.

MIRIAM:

...Well, Mr. Dalhousie, that's allthe time we have. Thank you so muchfor coming in.

GUEST:

It is was a pleasure. Thank you.

The ON AIR light turns OFF. Miriam lets out a big sigh ofrelief. The staff on the other side of the glass APPLAUD.

INT. CBC RADIO STATION - HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER

Miriam walks down the Hall with BLAIR.

MIRIAM:

I hope that wasn't too painful.

BLAIR:

Are you kidding? It was fantastic.

MIRIAM:

Stop it, Blair.

BLAIR:

Really, Miriam, you're a natural.

MIRIAM:

Thank you. Would you excuse me, I'mgoing to call Barney.

BLAIR:

Of course.

WHITE 10-23-09 96.

INT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

The phone RINGS through an empty house.

INT. GRUMPY'S BAR - NIGHT

Barney is sitting at the bar, watching the hockey game. The

bar ERUPTS at a bad penalty call.

BARNEY:

What the hell kind of call is that??!!

INSERT - BARNEY'S CELL PHONE - on the bar, ringing. He

doesn't hear it.

INT. HALLWAY - CBC RADIO STATION - NIGHT

Miriam hangs up. Upset that Barney didn't answer.

INT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - LATER THAT NIGHT

Barney tiptoes into the dark, quiet apartment. He's drunk

and trying very hard to be quiet.

INT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

Miriam is already asleep. Barney is about to crawl into bed-

MIRIAM:

Where have you been?

Miriam turns on the bedside lamp.

BARNEY:

I was at Grumpy's watching the game.

MIRIAM:

Did you hear my interview?

BARNEY:

I'm sorry, I just lost track of-

MIRIAM:

This was important to me. You knew

that right?

BARNEY:

(beat)

Yes.

MIRIAM:

But you missed my first on airinterview because you were drunk andwatching a hockey game, like you'vedone a thousand times before.

WHITE 10-23-09 97.

BARNEY:

(beat)

Yes.

MIRIAM:

Okay. I wanted to be sure we're

clear on what happened here tonight.

Miriam flips back over and turns the lamp OFF.

BARNEY:

Should I sleep on the sofa?

She turns the lamp back ON.

MIRIAM:

Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

You're not sleeping on the sofa, wedon't sleep apart. Good night.

She turns the light OFF.

EXT. CEMETERY - DAY

Barney has accompanied IZZY to his Mother's grave.

IZZY:

You got yourself a plot yet?

BARNEY:

No.

IZZY:

You should get one. The good ones gofast.

Izzy places a rock on the double headstone:

ESTHER PANOFSKY - 1925 - 1972, Wife to Izzy, Mother to Barney.

Engraved beside hers is Izzy's name: ISRAEL PANOFSKY

BARNEY:

You okay?

IZZY:

Sure.

But he's not very convincing.

BARNEY:

I was thinking, why don't you movein with us? Now that the kids are

gone we have more than enough space.

WHITE 10-23-09 98.

IZZY:

Thanks, but no thanks.

BARNEY:

I don't like the thought of you beingalone.

IZZY:

I'm not alone. See that? That's alone.

Izzy points to a single grave beside theirs.

IZZY (CONT'D)

Buried alone. No wife. No kids.

That's alone. I'm going to be righthere with your mother.

When you get to my age you'll seewhat a comfort that is.

BARNEY:

I know it must be hard without her.

IZZY:

I'm used to being without her. I

need to get laid.

BARNEY:

(walking away)

Jesus Christ...

IZZY:

What? How long have you ever had tohold out, Mr. THREE wives!

INT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - DINING ROOM - NIGHT

A group of Miriam's friends including BLAIR, are over fordinner. Blair holds court while Barney broods over his Scotch,

bored and annoyed with Blair's politically correct discourse.

BLAIR:

--I think it's fair to say that in 50years we'll look back on this timeand our inhumane treatment of animals

for the sake of mass consumption, asa shameful and barbaric chapter inour history, much like how we perceivesegregation or McCarthyism-

Barney can't stand another second of this. He gets up andbrings a cigar back to the table.

MIRIAM:

Barney, please don't smoke that.

You know it irritates Blair's asthma.

WHITE 10-23-09 99.

Without a moment's pause, Barney heads out to the den.

EXT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - DEN - CONTINUOUS

Barney lights his cigar with great pleasure. The dinner

guests continue with their conversation.

INT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - NIGHT

Barney crawls into bed with a moan. Miriam's reading. Barneystares at the ceiling, exhausted. Long silence. Miriam

sets down her book.

MIRIAM:

If you can't at least be civil with myfriends then don't bother joining us.

BARNEY:

I thought I was perfectly civil.

MIRIAM:

You fell asleep at the table.

Beat.

MIRIAM (CONT'D)

I forgot to ask, how was the cemetery?

BARNEY:

Good times.

The phone RINGS. Barney groans. Reaches for the phone.

EXT. MASSAGE PARLOR - NIGHT

A non-descript building with a red neon sign: MASSAGE. Barneyparks right in front, then enters.

INT. MASSAGE PARLOR - RECEPTION - NIGHT

PUSH IN through a beaded curtain and into the waiting roomof an old school "rub and tug" massage parlor.

The Madame, GOLDIE (45) is consoling a working girl, who issobbing. Goldie looks up at CAMERA -

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