Barney's Version Page #18

Miriam is NOT amused.

MIRIAM:

I'm going to visit Michael for aweek.

BARNEY:

What? When?

MIRIAM:

Next weekend.

BARNEY:

Okay, I'll take the week off.

MIRIAM:

No. I think a little time apart willdo us both good.

BARNEY:

What? Where is this coming from?

MIRIAM:

We've hardly been away from eachother since we've been married.

It'll be good for us to circulatethe air in here a little. It's onlya week - okay?

Barney nods but he's not happy about this. Actually, he'sscared to death. She gives him a kiss and exits.

CUT TO:

INT/EXT. TAXI CAB - MORNING -PRESENT DAY

BACK TO PRESENT DAY. Spring has arrived.

Barney rides in a taxi. Coffee in hand. The cab stops at ared light in front of the MONTREAL MUSEUM OF FINE ARTS.

Barney looks out the window to see workers unraveling aDRAPERY announcing the next exposition:

"LEO FASOLI - IN MEMORIAM. A RETROSPECTIVE."

WHITE 10-23-09 107.

ON THE DRAPERY is a PHOTO OF LEO from back in his Rome days.

The thought of his departed friend hits him hard. The taxi

pulls away.

INT. OFFICE - TOTALLY UNNECESSARY PRODUCTIONS - MORNING

Barney enters the office in a foul mood. The RECEPTIONIST

greets him with a smile.

RECEPTIONIST:

Good morning, Barney.

BARNEY:

My car was stolen. Find out what I

have to do to report it.

RECEPTIONIST:

It's parked in the lot. I have the

keys right here.

Barney grabs the keys, walks away.

INT. TV SOUNDSTAGE - MORNING

Barney slips into the soundstage just as they start rolling.

He's fidgety. Anxious.

ON THE SET:

A scene is playing out between O'Malley and the new, young,

ditzy, SEXPOT (21), cast as the new Nurse.

O'MALLEY

I have a feeling you're going towork out just fine around here.

SEXPOT:

Oh, I won't work out here. I go tothe gym for that.

SOLANGE (O.S.)

And CUT! Check the gate!

Solange gets up from the DIRECTOR'S CHAIR. She's now

directing the show, yet still dressed in the same type ofrevealing, tight outfit her character would have worn.

SOLANGE (CONT'D)

And that everyone, completes thefirst episode of our 30th season!!

The whole crew bursts into applause.

WHITE 10-23-09 108.

Even though it's Barney's show, the merriment around himseems to only make him more lonely and bitter. He ducks out.

INT. BARNEY'S OFFICE - LATER

Barney's rifling through drawers and shelves looking forsomething. He's frustrated, angry. SOLANGE enters.

SOLANGE:

Why did you leave the set? I thoughtyou might want to give a speech.

BARNEY:

Nope.

Solange stands there grinning from ear to ear, eager to tellhim something. Barney continues his searching.

BARNEY (CONT'D)

I'm not interested.

SOLANGE:

You don't even know what I'm goingto say.

BARNEY:

I'm not interested in what you'regoing to say. That's the point.

SOLANGE:

What if it were something reallyinteresting?

This is annoying the hell out of him.

BARNEY:

Right now, I'm in a state of completedisinterest to all things. Is that

clear or should I have someone

translate?

Solange drops an AIRPLANE TICKET in front of Barney.

SOLANGE:

I'm going to Bulgaria. First Class.

Barney looks at the ticket.

BARNEY:

You haven't flown in thirty years.

Barney hands her back the ticket and walks out of his office,

Solange follows...

WHITE 10-23-09 109.

INT. OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Barney goes to the coffee machine. One of those automatic

ones where you press a button and it makes you a latte.

He makes his choice. The machine REVS and GRINDS, forcingthem to raise their voices.

SOLANGE:

I've been in systematicdesensitization therapy to get overmy fear of flying.

BARNEY:

Are you out of your mind? Some idiots

keep printing thirty year old picturesof you in bikinis so old Bolshevikscan have something to jerk off to andyou're going to fly half way aroundthe world because of it? What do youimagine it will be like - that you'llstep off the plane right onto thetarmac, Chanel glasses, Hermes scarfwrapped around your new 'do', a gaggleof paparazzi awaiting your arrival?

You're a hundred and eighty years oldSolange, get over it.

The coffee machine stops. Dead silence. The entire office

watching them. Solange fights back tears.

MARK:

What the hell is wrong with you?

BARNEY:

With me? My friend Leo just died!

Silence.

BARNEY (CONT'D)

Did you hear me?!

SOLANGE:

(beat)

Leo died a year ago.

FLASHBACK TO:

INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE BARNEY'S APARTMENT -FLASHBACK

(This is a replay of the OPENING OF THE MOVIE)

Barney picks up the morning newspaper. Scans the front page.

Something he reads upsets him.

WHITE 10-23-09 110.

BARNEY:

F***.

INSERT - FRONT PAGE HEADLINE -ABOVE THE FOLD:

"LEO FASOLI, FAMED ITALIAN PAINTER, DIES AT 66."

We now understand what Barney was reacting to originally.

A SOCCER BALL rolls and stops at Barney's feet.

JUSTIN (8) runs up and grabs the ball. He stares up atBarney. Barney stares back.

NEIGHBOR (O.S.)

Justin, come on, we're late.

JUSTIN:

Hi Barney.

BARNEY:

Good morning.

Justin runs off. Barney turns back inside.

INT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - KITCHEN -FLASHBACK

Barney's reading the paper as he finishes his bagel and lox.

Barney looks at his watch -- sh*t, he's late. Hops up toget ready. Drops the paper on the table.

INSERT - FRONT PAGE BLURB -BELOW THE FOLD:

The article about O'HEARNE'S BOOK we previously saw.

BACK TO:

INT. BARNEY'S OFFICE - DAY -PRESENT DAY

Barney looks as though he's had the wind knocked out of him.

Solange approaches him carefully.

SOLANGE:

You were a pallbearer at his funeral.

(beat)

Barney...?

Off Barney's confusion -

CUT TO:

INT. DR. MANDEBAUM'S OFFICE - DAY

Barney and Solange are in DR. MANDEBAUM'S office. Barney'slong time physician.

WHITE 10-23-09 111.

BARNEY:

Can I smoke in here?

SOLANGE:

What do you think? Now be quiet andlet Morty do his job.

DR. MANDEBAUM

I'm going to start by asking you aseries of questions. Just answer

them, there's no right or wrong.

(beat)

What month is it?

BARNEY:

You're joking.

DR. MANDEBAUM

There's a point to all this.

BARNEY:

April.

DR. MANDEBAUM

What season is it?

BARNEY:

Summer.

DR. MANDEBAUM

What city are we in?

BARNEY:

Do you actually have a degree inmedicine?

(beat)

Montreal.

DR. MANDEBAUM

What kind of car do you drive?

BARNEY:

Morty, that's f***ing embarrassing.

DR. MANDEBAUM

Just answer it.

BARNEY:

A... you know, goddamn it... it'sGerman... I can't even find the

f***ing thing. Why should I carewhat it's called?

(to Solange)

And why are you crying?

WHITE 10-23-09 112.

PRE-LAP:
A phone dialing, then ringing.

FLASHBACK TO:

INT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - DEN - DAY -PAST (2003)

Scotch in hand, Barney paces while on the phone. Desperateand frantic without Miriam around.

MICHAEL (V.O.)

Hello?

BARNEY:

Michael, hi, put your mother on thephone, please.

INT. MICHAEL'S LOFT - BROOKLYN - DAY

Miriam is cleaning up clutter around Michael's apartment.

MICHAEL:

Nice to talk to you too, dad.

(holding out phone)

Mom...

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