Barney's Version Page #19

MIRIAM:

(into phone)

Hello.

INTERCUT:

BARNEY:

Miriam, please come home already. I

can't sleep without you beside me.

MIRIAM:

I know. I keep reaching over foryou in bed and-

BARNEY:

I bought our cemetery plots today.

MIRIAM:

(beat)

What?

BARNEY:

I can't handle being without you foreven a few days, and that got methinking and, well, I just neededthat settled. That we'll be togetherforever.

MIRIAM:

Barney...

WHITE 10-23-09 113.

BARNEY:

I've learned my lesson. Come back

tonight. Please.

MIRIAM:

I wasn't punishing you. And youshouldn't have done that without talkingto me first. That's a big thing.

BARNEY:

What does that mean? You're not sure?

MIRIAM:

Why is everything all or nothingwith you? I say I need a littlespace, and you go out and buy realestate for our afterlife.

BARNEY:

I'm sorry, I just-

MIRIAM:

Overreacted? Yes, you did.

(beat)

I'm sure what you bought is fine.

What am I saying - if you bought itit's certainly the best plot in thewhole city. But I'm still not cominghome today. I'm enjoying my weekwith my son. Now I have to go, Blairis waiting for us at the restaurant.

I love you-

BARNEY:

Blair?!

MIRIAM:

Don't even start. He actually tookYOUR advice and told them he had

another offer. So they called himdown for a final interview.

BARNEY:

I can't believe you're there withBlair.

MIRIAM:

Barney, I'm not going to have thisdiscussion with you. I love you,

but I really do have to go. Goodbye.

BARNEY:

I love you.

WHITE 10-23-09 114.

She hangs up. Barney looks around the big, empty house,

going out of his mind, not knowing what to do with himself.

INT. GRUMPY'S BAR - NIGHT

Barney's sitting at the bar chatting it up with Jill and aBLONDE (38) patron. He's already quite drunk.

JILL:

--And so he leaves his OWN weddingand chases after her onto the train.

BLONDE:

No way! You're crazy!

Barney shrugs. Jill goes to serve another customer.

BLONDE (CONT'D)

You don't remember me do you?

BARNEY:

Should I?

BLONDE:

I had a small part on your TV show afew years ago.

BARNEY:

Really? I'm sorry, I don't remember.

BLONDE:

That's okay. I remembered you right

away.

(standing)

I'm going to freshen up a bit, wouldyou mind ordering me another?

The look in her eye tells us exactly where this is going.

Barney watches her walk away.

HARD CUT TO:

INT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - DEN - NIGHT

The blonde from the bar rolls off of Barney, naked, sweatyand satisfied. Barney stares up at the ceiling. Too drunk

and too horrified to process what he's just done.

INT. DR. MANDEBAUM'S OFFICE - DAY

Barney, in a state of panic, bursts into Morty's office whois eating lunch at his desk.

BARNEY:

I need a test. Now.

WHITE 10-23-09 115.

DR. MANDEBAUM

Test for what?

BARNEY:

VD, Syphilis, Gonorrhea, AIDS-

DR. MANDEBAUM

Whoa, whoa, slow down. What the

hell happened?

BARNEY:

Just give me the test, Morty. And I

need the results as soon as possible.

INT. BARNEY'S CAR - DRIVING - DAY

Driving home from the airport - a HUGE bouquet of roses witha "Welcome Home" card sits in between Barney and Miriam.

Barney is conspicuously silent and nervous.

INT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - DAY

They walk in from the airport. Barney's acting strange.

Both anxious and nice. Too nice.

MIRIAM:

It's good to be home.

BARNEY:

Let me put these in water and I'llunpack your bags. Go, relax.

MIRIAM:

I have a better idea.

She wraps her arms around his waist and kisses him; she's inthe mood for love.

MIRIAM (CONT'D)

I missed you.

BARNEY:

I missed you too.

He squirms out of her arms and carries the roses to thekitchen, talking from the other room.

BARNEY (CONT'D)

But you must be exhausted - I'll puton some tea - and run you a bath,

how does that sound?

She follows him into the kitchen.

WHITE 10-23-09 116.

INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

Barney fills a GLASS VASE with water.

MIRIAM:

What's wrong?

BARNEY:

Nothing. Why?

MIRIAM:

Barney...

The phone RINGS. Barney LEAPS to answer it.

BARNEY:

Hello? Hold on...

(to Miriam)

It's work. Problems on the set.

MIRIAM:

When you're done hiding whatever itis you screwed up while I was gone,

I'll be in the bedroom. Naked.

Miriam exits. Barney takes a deep breath.

BARNEY:

Morty, so?... oh, thank God. Thank

you... okay, bye.

He hangs up. He closes his eyes and remains silent and stillfor a long beat.

MIRIAM (O.S.)

Are you off the phone?

BARNEY:

Yes, I am.

He takes another deep breath to compose himself and exits.

INT. BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

Ready for some good lovin', Barney walks into the bedroom,

but stops in his tracks when he sees-

Miriam crying. The phone in her hand.

MIRIAM:

I don't know why, but I dialed star

69. You were acting so strange...

She has to sit down. She's trembling. Terrified.

WHITE 10-23-09 117.

MIRIAM (CONT'D)

Why did you lie about it being Mortyon the phone? Tell me the truth are

you sick?

(beat)

TELL ME.

BARNEY:

I'm not sick.

MIRIAM:

The way you cough at night, all thosecigars-

BARNEY:

Miriam, I'm not sick.

MIRIAM:

Then what is it? What are you hidingfrom me?

Beat.

BARNEY:

It meant nothing to me.

Miriam is completely devastated.

BARNEY (CONT'D)

Please, Miriam. We have a life.

MIRIAM:

HAD a life.

She storms out. Off Barney, completely shell shocked we -

CUT TO:

INT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - NIGHT -PRESENT DAY

PRE-LAP - A KNOCKING at the door.

The door opens revealing KATE, her eyes filled with tears,

she throws her arms around Barney and won't let go.

BARNEY:

Easy, kiddo.

(beat)

Let's not mourn just yet. Mortysays I've got at least a year beforeI'm totally bonkers.

He has to gently pry her arms from around his neck.

WHITE 10-23-09 118.

BARNEY (CONT'D)

Your mother's show is on. Why don'tyou fix us a couple drinks. You

could use one.

She nods - that's for sure. She starts toward the kitchen -

BARNEY (CONT'D)

Have you talked to her yet?

KATE:

No.

BARNEY:

Don't worry her with anything. Okay?

Kate nods.

INT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - DEN - MOMENTS LATER

Barney's sitting at his desk. His eyes drifting over oldphotographs and items of nostalgia. The final bars of Leonard

Cohen's "I'm Your Man" playing on Miriam's radio show.

MIRIAM (V.O.)

That was Leonard Cohen's "I'm Your

Man" - a request from our everfaithful listener, Alphonse, all theway from Montreal. And here's one

for you Alphonse - "I Don't Want ToHear It Anymore" by Dusty Springfield.

Barney grins.

Kate is standing in the door watching him. She steps in andhands him his drink.

KATE:

Here you go, Alphonse.

Barney looks at her with surprise. Kate exits.

FLASHBACK TO:

INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE BARNEY'S APARTMENT - DAY -PAST (2003)

Movers carry boxes down the hallway to the elevator. Barneysteps aside to let Michael past with a box in hand. Michael

won't even look at his father. We follow Barney back inside -

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes