Barney's Version Page #2

Barney heads into -

INT. BARNEY'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

The exec's all follow inside and stand in silence. Mark

steps forward as Barney flips through mail on his desk.

MARK:

They want to bring in a new face.

Someone young. Maybe give Solange asexy, young niece who comes to livewith her-

BARNEY:

They want to fire Solange?

MARK:

They want us to write her down infavor of a new character.

BARNEY:

No. No way.

MARK:

We'll do it in a classy way-

BARNEY:

I won't humiliate her like that.

She's been on the show since day

one. I'll give her your job beforethat happens.

MARK:

They're not asking.

If we don't do it, this is our last

season. No one under fifty watchesthe show.

BARNEY:

So they want to bring in some titsand ass?

MARK:

Isn't that why you first hired her?

Solange suddenly bursts through the crowd of Exec's and slamsa FOLDER down on Barney's desk.

SOLANGE:

I want a word with you NOW.

WHITE 10-23-09 8.

Barney opens the folder and scans the papers inside.

BARNEY:

What language is this?

SOLANGE:

They're from Bulgaria. Press

clippings about me and they justkeep coming. They love me over there.

This proves what I'm really worth tothe foreign market.

Barney tosses the folder aside.

BARNEY:

I'll give it my utmost attention.

SOLANGE:

I hired a new lawyer, a real shark,

and he says-

MARK:

Whoa, whoa, Solange, why do we needto bring lawyers into this?

Solange turns around and pushes the Exec's out.

SOLANGE:

Out! I want to talk Barney alone.

MARK:

Barney, we have to discuss-

SOLANGE:

OUT!

She slams the door on them and turns to Barney. Her tone

instantly softens.

SOLANGE (CONT'D)

I feel like everyone is laughing at

me. Tell me honestly, how do I look?

Beat.

BARNEY:

You look like the reason we're still

on the air. Sexy as hell.

SOLANGE:

(teary)

Thank you.

(beat)

But you're still going to pay mewhat I deserve.

WHITE 10-23-09 9.

She stops just before exiting.

SOLANGE (CONT'D)

I saw the paper. How are you doing?

BARNEY:

Fine.

Not wanting to get into it, Barney busies himself with movingaround papers. Solange takes the cue, then takes a deepbreath, puts her game face on and storms out, slamming thedoor behind her for effect.

CUT TO:

INT/EXT. BARNEY'S CAR - DRIVING - DAY

Barney drives through downtown Montreal, eventually parkingin front of Grumpy's Bar.

INT. GRUMPY'S BAR - DAY

Barney walks into his regular watering hole - GRUMPY'S BAR.

The bar spotted with regulars who mumble hello to him.

JILL THE BARTENDER serves him his usual.

JILL:

You get home okay last night?

BARNEY:

I got home.

With a glance, Jill directs Barney down the bar.

JILL:

He's had more than a few already.

DETECTIVE SEAN O'HEARNE, around 60, slides off his barstool.

Grossly overweight, blotchy salmon red complexion.

O'HEARNE

You see that review in the papertoday? Not bad.

Barney ignores him. O'Hearne places a copy of the infamousbook he's written "WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE" on the bar.

O'HEARNE (CONT'D)

That's for you. I even signed it.

Barney opens the book - dumps a handful of peanuts on thepage, POUNDS it shut with his fist, then flips it back openand starts eating from the cracked nuts.

WHITE 10-23-09 10.

O'HEARNE (CONT'D)

Why do you have to be like that? I

wrote a nice little note to you.

O'Hearne slides the book back over to himself and clumsilyflips to his hand written inscription. He's very drunk.

O'HEARNE (CONT'D)

"To Barney, none of this would havebeen possible without you. All the

best, Detective Sean O'Hearne".

BARNEY:

What the hell are you doing here?

O'HEARNE

This is a big day. I thought I'dbuy you a drink, share in the moment,

be a "mensch", like you might say.

Barney looks at O'Hearne. Marvelling at his idiocy.

BARNEY:

For someone who professes to hate meso much, you sure do go out of yourway to come around here a lot.

O'HEARNE

I just want to know what you didwith the body already.

BARNEY:

You really want to know? Fine. I

carved him up with a chainsaw, dumpedthe parts in the St. Lawrence river.

O'HEARNE

Chainsaw, my ass. You'd never havethe guts to cut him up. If you won'ttell me now, promise you'll at leastleave me a note in your will.

BARNEY:

C'mon O'Hearne, you're bound to gofirst. Look at you - prick you witha fork on a hot summer day and you'dexplode like a pan fried sausage.

O'HEARNE

This heart will still be pumpingstrong when your prostate turns tomarble, Panofsky.

WHITE 10-23-09 11.

JILL:

Why don't you just leave him alonealready?

O'HEARNE

Because he got away with murder,

sweetie.

(looking at Barney)

You screwed over everyone you everknew or cared about, and now thewhole world is going to know what acocksucking murderer you really are.

O'Hearne is right up in his face. INTENSE stare.

BARNEY:

Your breath stinks.

O'Hearne has to tear himself away before he tries to killBarney. He slides the book back over to him.

O'HEARNE

It's a real page turner.

O'Hearne marches out. Barney's eyes reluctantly drift tothe COVER PHOTO of the book.

INSERT - BLACK AND WHITE PHOTO CIRCA 1974, Barney with hisarm around his best friend BOOGIE.

FLASHBACK TO:

EXT. RESTAURANT - TRASTAVERE, ROME - NIGHT - PAST

TITLE:
ROME, 1974

Barney is out cavorting with his crew - over educatedcontemporaries living the bohemian life in Rome.

Barney's Algonquin Round Table.

Copious amounts of food and drink. Lively conversationsoverlap, as we move around a crowded table. Locals, ex-patsand plenty of girls. A few of Barney's standout friends being:

CEDRIC RICHARDSON, African American, actor, extremely handsome,

three fawning girls with him. LEO FASOLI, Italian beardedartist, his pants and t-shirt speckled with paint.

CEDRIC:

...I know that I can't just sit aroundand wait for something to happen.

(MORE)

WHITE 10-23-09 12.

CEDRIC (CONT'D)

So I call up the director and tellhim: "I've been offered Othello for

the third straight year and I'm notgoing to pass it up just to play thefucking Chuck Wagon cook again. Who

do I look like, Roscoe Lee Brown?

"But that's how it's written" he

answers. So I tell him - "Roberto,

the time has come for the black man

to hold a gun instead of a spatula".

BARNEY:

Amen!

CEDRIC:

And he had the role rewritten for

me. I am now posse member number 4.

LEO:

To Cedric, living the lessons of theBard: "be as great in act, as youhave in thought".

Everyone toasts. Barney's eyes light up as he leaps fromhis chair to greet -

BARNEY:

BOOGIE!

EVERYONE:

Boogie/Welcome back!!

BOOGIE, Barney's best and most cherished friend. Tall and

lean, he possesses a physical and intellectual magnetismthat enchants everyone who meets him. He has a stunning girl(THE COUNTESS) on his arm.

Boogie is greeted by all and handed some wine. Cedric makes

it a point to introduce himself to The Countess.

CEDRIC:

I'm Cedric.

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