Barney's Version Page #3

COUNTESS/MARIA

Maria.

(flirtatious)

You look familiar to me.

CEDRIC:

I'm an actor.

MARIA:

I knew it. You look like a movie

star.

WHITE 10-23-09 13.

The Countess then slides up to Boogie, whispers something inhis ear, kisses him deeply, then walks off to the bathroom.

Her exquisite beauty silences them all.

CEDRIC:

Who is that?

BOOGIE:

Ah, the Countess. A descendant of

Giuseppe Garibaldi, no less.

LEO:

Where did you meet her?

BOOGIE:

Somewhere between my blackout inLake Como and my hangover in Ste-

Maxime. If you could find out ANDget her name, that would be great.

But enough about that, I want to

hear about all of you. Leo, how wasyour showing at Galerie Des Points?

The silence around the table indicates - "not so good".

BARNEY:

His work is too bold for that crowd.

LEO:

The show was a bust. I only soldone piece - to Barney.

Barney holds up the painting to show Boogie.

CEDRIC:

Barney - our very own patron of thearts. Otherwise known as our onlyfriend with a real job.

Everyone toasts.

BOOGIE:

(to Barney)

And so, my High Priest, did you getthrough those books I sent you?

BARNEY:

A few of them.

BOOGIE:

Only a few? I sent them months ago.

What have you been doing with yourself?

BARNEY:

Well, actually, I'm getting married.

WHITE 10-23-09 14.

BOOGIE:

What?! To who?

CLARA (O.S.)

To me.

Boogie turns around to find CLARA CHAMBERS (26), tall, skinny,

pale and beautiful, gypsy shawl and skirt. Three months

pregnant, and slightly showing at her belly. She downs a

shot of Grappa and lights a cigarette as she sits.

CLARA (CONT'D)

Prince Charmingbaum here knocked meup by way of a magical thirty secondsof friction.

BARNEY:

Where have you been? You didn't

come home last night.

CLARA:

Who remembers?

(to Boogie)

Has he told you what he's doing now?

Exporting olive oil to some guy,

Hymie back in Montreal. It's like a

bad Jewish sitcom.

BARNEY:

Someone needs to make a living.

CLARA:

He comes to Europe and sells oil.

It's f***ing humiliating. You're

not one of us. You're a voyeur-

BOOGIE:

Okay, A toast to the newlyweds! To

your health, your happiness-

CLARA:

(at Barney)

And a three inch prick.

EVERYONE:

L'CHAIM!

Everyone drinks. Barney scowls at Clara. She instantlyswitches gears to soft and loving.

CLARA:

I'm sorry, baby. You're still my

yummy yid.

WHITE 10-23-09 15.

She gets on his lap, curling herself around him like a cat.

He starts to soften, the party around them continues on....

EXT. ROME STREET - LATER THAT NIGHT

Closing down the bar, the whole gang pours out into thestreet. Barney and Boogie lead the way, sharing a flask.

Barney shlepping Leo's painting with him.

BOOGIE:

Why did you agree to marry her?

BARNEY:

I got her pregnant.

BOOGIE:

So? Clara's crazy. She's a

conversation piece, not a wife. And

how do you even know it's yours?

BARNEY:

It's mine.

BOOGIE:

If you say so.

Boogie turns to the gang: Leo pulling up the rear with hisgirl. Cedric walking with one arm around Clara and the otheraround the Countess, who is quite smitten with him.

BOOGIE (CONT'D)

So what's the plan everyone? What

are we doing?

CEDRIC:

I have an early call time tomorrow.

LEO:

Yeah, I'm exhausted.

BOOGIE:

Oh, come on. I don't believe what

I'm seeing.

CLARA:

(lighting a cigarette)

Count me out. I'm already hung overand I'm not even done being drunkyet. Oh, yeah, and I'm fuckingpregnant too. C'mon, Barney.

BOOGIE:

He's coming with me.

WHITE 10-23-09 16.

CLARA:

Where are you going?

BOOGIE:

Taking him out for a proper bachelorparty.

CLARA:

Oh no, you're not.

BOOGIE:

You don't own him just yet.

Boogie drags Barney down a side street.

BOOGIE (CONT'D)

Got any money?

BARNEY:

Some. Why?

BOOGIE:

Provisions.

INT. BOOGIE'S ROOM - HOTEL CISTERNA - LATER

Laid out on the table in Boogie's hotel room:

A bottle of Scotch, two packs of Gauloises, a pack of rollingpapers, a small ball of TINFOIL.

Barney finds two clean glasses in the messy room and poursthem each a drink. Boogie unwraps the tinfoil to reveal aball of OPIUM inside. Then gathers his drug paraphernalia.

BOOGIE:

We have to do it all, Barney. Opium,

Horse, Hash - everything under andbehind the sun, on and off the table.

We only go around once.

They toast and drink. Boogie then hands Barney a thickMANUSCRIPT off the floor.

BARNEY:

You finished it?!

BOOGIE:

Not quite yet. But you can read itso far.

Barney drops onto the mattress and starts right away.

3/4 OF A BOTTLE OF SCOTCH LATER

WHITE 10-23-09 17.

Barney has gone through a hundred pages so far.

BARNEY:

Boogie, this is brilliant. Absolutelybrilliant. When are they publishing it?

BOOGIE:

They're not.

BARNEY:

Why?

BOOGIE:

I didn't submit it.

BARNEY:

Why the hell not?

BOOGIE:

I told you, it's not finished yet.

And anyway, I'm never giving it tothat feckless editor.

BARNEY:

What about the advance they paid you?

BOOGIE:

I wrote him another one.

BARNEY:

Which?

Boogie reaches over and tosses Barney a manuscript.

INSERT - MANUSCRIPT: "VANESSA'S P*SSY"

BARNEY (CONT'D)

What's it about?

While Boogie weaves his tale, he heats up and crumbles someof the Opium, preparing to smoke it in a pipe.

BOOGIE:

It's a new interpretation of theBook of Job, as told through Vanessa'svaginal lips. Pious and pristine ,

Vanessa's P*ssy is a pillar ofreligious devotion. Then one day,

without warning or reason, Vanessa'sPussy is suddenly f***ed over andover and over again by The SupremeBeing; a deity who erects himselfinto this temporal world as The Great

Cock. After an ungodly amount of

(MORE)

WHITE 10-23-09 18.

BOOGIE (CONT'D)

drilling, and now a shell of thehole she used to be, Vanessa's P*ssy

surrenders her absolute devotion to

The Great Cock. As reward, herelasticity is restored, but she'sleft with a recurring odorous rash.

(beat)

For some reason the editor passed.

Barney looks at him dumfounded.

BARNEY:

Let me guess - Vanessa is the editor'swife.

BOOGIE:

Was.

Boogie takes a hit off the pipe. Barney tries to stare himdown like a disapproving parent, but the sheer bravado ofthe story makes them both crack up.

BARNEY:

Jesus, Boogie, stop dicking aroundand finish your book already.

Barney pours himself more Scotch and continues reading.

CUT TO:

EXT. STAIRS - CAMPIDOGLIO - DAY

Wedding day. Boogie, Cedric, Leo accompany Barney and Claraup the steps to the Mayor's Marriage Office.

Clara is seven months pregnant, wearing a black veil. Cedric

helps her up the stairs.

Barney wears a mix and match tuxedo. He and Boogie walkahead of the others.

BOOGIE:

Listen, you don't have to go throughwith this.

BARNEY:

You're saying this to me now?

BOOGIE:

I'm just saying, no one will thinkanything less of you.

WHITE 10-23-09 19.

BARNEY:

(beat)

C'mon, we're already late.

INT. MAGISTRATE'S OFFICE - CAMPIDOGLIO - DAY

Everyone waits for the JUDGE who looks over their paperwork.

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