Barney's Version Page #4

(JUDGE'S DIALOGUE IS IN ITALIAN AND SUBTITLED).

JUDGE:

I vistri passaporti, prego.

The Judge takes a cursory glance and hands them to his CLERK.

JUDGE (CONT'D)

I testimoni, prego - Bernardo

Moscovitz, Leonardo Fasoli.

Boogie and Leo step forward and sign the marriage license.

JUDGE (CONT'D)

Barney Panofsky, firmi qui.

Barney signs.

JUDGE (CONT'D)

Clara Charnofksy, firmi qui.

BARNEY:

(in bad Italian)

Charnofsky? No, is chiama Clara

Chambers.

JUDGE:

Non secondo il suo passaporto.

Clara says nothing. Barney grabs her passport to see forhimself.

CLARA:

I was married to a Russian gangsterfor maybe five days. I ran away onthe honeymoon. I just never botheredto do the paperwork to change thename back.

BARNEY:

Did you not think to mention this?

CLARA:

Don't worry, you still got yourselfa true blue Shiksa.

WHITE 10-23-09 20.

BARNEY:

What else haven't you told me? Anykids I don't know about?

CLARA:

Only two -Yosel and Chaim. They'relocked in our attic. When you'reout getting the hockey scores I letthem down and force feed them porkroast milkshakes through a funnel.

Dumfounded silence. Then -

Clara SNATCHES the pen from Barney's hand and signs thelicense in a flash.

CLARA (CONT'D)

There.

CEDRIC:

(beat)

Mazel Tov!

INT. BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

THUNDER and LIGHTENING rage outside.

Barney holds Clara in his arms as she is curled on the bed,

clutching her black wedding veil, trembling with white knucklefear; a child terrified of the thunder.

All around the apartment we see scraps of half written poems,

sketches and paintings.

CLARA:

I'm sorry.

(beat)

You still love your crazy Clara,

don't you?

BARNEY:

(beat)

Of course.

(beat)

Can I get you anything? You haven't

eaten a thing all day.

CLARA:

Maybe a piece of fruit.

Barney reaches over and hands her a BANANA off the table.

Clara begins to peel it from the WRONG END.

BARNEY:

Why do you peel it like that?

WHITE 10-23-09 21.

CLARA:

I read somewhere this is how monkeysdo it. I figured they should know.

She may be crazy, but she has her odd charms. Barney holdsher tight as she flinches at another rumble of thunder.

CUT TO:

INT. AGOSTINO GEMELLI UNIVERSITY POLYCLINIC(HOSPITAL) - DAY

Barney runs through the halls of the hospital in Rome,

frantically demanding help from the nurse's desk.

BARNEY:

(to Nurse, in Italian)

I need to find my wife - ClaraPanofsky. Or Chambers. Or maybeCharnofsky.

INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - HOSPITAL - DAY

THE DOCTOR sits down, lights up a cigarette.

DOCTOR:

Signor Panofsky - mi dispiace - I

will speak in English. I am afraid

the infant was a stillborn.

Barney is speechless.

DOCTOR (CONT'D)

But your wife is healthy and willcertainly be able to bear other children.

(beat)

I must ask if you know the biologicalfather - for our records.

BARNEY:

I'm the father.

The doctor looks at Barney incredulously, then to his charts,

than back at Barney.

DOCTOR:

Then you must be an Albino.

INT. CLARA'S HOSPITAL ROOM -DAY

Barney enters and sits at Clara's bedside. She's sketchinga picture of Barney on a pad as they talk. Barney won'tlook her in the eye.

WHITE 10-23-09 22.

CLARA:

Every four hours they attach clamps

to my nipples and milk me like a

cow.

(beat)

I was sure it was yours-

BARNEY:

Can we talk about this later?

Barney is visibly hurt and angry. Clara strokes his arm.

CLARA:

Oh Barney, you really do wear your

heart on your sleeve.

(beat)

Now put it away, it's disgusting to

look at.

BARNEY:

(up and leaving)

I'll pick you up tomorrow.

CLARA:

I'm not going to let you divorce me!

Barney is already out the door.

INT. HALLWAY - HOSPITAL - DAY

Barney walks down the hallway where his friends are gatheredand looking somber. The Countess and Leo are consolingCedric. Barney makes a bee-line for Cedric and SUCKER PUNCHEShim. Boogie jumps in and wrestles Barney away from Cedric.

BOOGIE:

Easy, man. C'mon. He just lost a

son.

Barney looks at Boogie -"what the f***?". With an

incredulous grunt, he walks off.

EXT. BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT - DAY

Barney helps Clara out of a taxi and into their apartmentbuilding.

INT. BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT - DAY

Barney helps Clara onto the bed, pours her a glass of water.

CLARA:

Okay, I'm ready to talk now.

Barney waits.

WHITE 10-23-09 23.

CLARA (CONT'D)

I've already spoken with a lawyer.

If you divorce me I'm entitled tohalf your income for the rest ofyour life.

BARNEY:

Clara, I never knew you had such apractical streak in you.

CLARA:

Surprise. Not all us Shiksa's are

chumps.

(lights a cigarette)

Look, I'm not a pig despite what youmight think. I'll settle for a year'srent on this dump and an allowanceof fifty dollars a week.

BARNEY:

I'll move out tomorrow.

CLARA:

Oh look, the color's come back intoyour cheeks. Now you can finally goback home, tongue your way into propersociety and find yourself a niceJewish girl - someone who shops.

BARNEY:

(grabbing a few clothes)

As always, your insight is dazzling.

CLARA:

Come now, I did you a great favor.

You'll be able to entertain them all

at the United Jewish Appeal galaswith stories about Crazy ClaraChambers before she got famous. Now

get the hell out while I try andrustle up a proper f***.

Barney walks out and never looks back.

INT. STAIRWELL - CONTINUOUS

Clara runs out and screams down the stairwell after Barney.

CLARA:

Wait! I'm sorry, Barney! Let's

start over! Please, Barney! Please!

DISSOLVE TO:

WHITE 10-23-09 24.

INT. BOOGIE'S ROOM - HOTEL CISTERNA - DAY

Barney is aggressively chopping vegetables as he preparesfood. Boogie crumples some hash to roll in a joint.

BARNEY:

My uncle Irv offered to get me intoTV production. He says there's allthese tax loopholes in Canada thatmake it foolproof.

BOOGIE:

Pass the lighter off the table.

Barney reaches for the lighter. He sees an ENVELOPE addressed

to him. He opens it and pulls out a HANDWRITTEN NOTE:

CLARA'S VOICE (V.O.)

Dear Barney, Please come for dinnertonight at eight. I think it's

important we talk. I'm sorry. I

really do miss you. I need you.

I'll even make latkes. Yours, Clara.

BARNEY:

When did this come?

BOOGIE:

What? Oh, that. Sh*t. Sorry, I forgot.

I think it came a few days ago.

Barney looks at Boogie with disgust, throwing the lighter athim on his way out the door.

INT. STAIRWELL - VILLA DELLA FONTE - DAY

Barney runs up the stairs.

INT. BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT - DAY

Barney rushes in and finds a table set for a candlelightdinner for two. The candles completely burned away.

BARNEY:

Clara?

He slowly moves through the apartment...

INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

A charred chicken and a tray of latkes out on the stove.

WHITE 10-23-09 25.

INT. BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

Where Clara lies dead on the bed. An empty bottle of sleepingpills at her side. Her sketches and poetry scattered allover the room.

Barney drops to her, feels for a pulse. Nothing. His eyeswell up with tears...

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