Barney's Version Page #6

--Abe, you know what happened last

night?

Some nazi punks took a sh*t right on

the steps of the Beth Zion... that's

right. That's why you can't get

complacent with your support - we need

Israel. I don't have to tell you where

things like this lead to - it starts

with a turd, next thing we're wearing

arm bands again... (nodding)...

wonderful, oh and you're coming for

dinner this Friday, right? Great.

Irv hangs up, pleased as punch.

IRV (CONT'D)

Donations go through the roof when

sh*t like this happens. Let's eat.

Irv gets up and exits. Barney follows.

INT. FACTORY - CONTINUOUS

Irv leads Barney through the factory.

IRV:

I'm going to trust you with a few

pledge cards to begin with. You do

good for Israel, good will come your

way. Now, the rules of the game:

Never visit your target in the office

where he's king sh*t and you're just

another shmuck looking for a handout.

You lure the lion out with meat -

CUT TO:

INT. MOISHE'S STEAK HOUSE - DAY

Lunch time. Black tie waiters carry big juicy steaks, cole

slaw, and pickles to businessmen in booths.

IRV:

--And no one does meat like Moishe's.

Irv shakes hands with practically every big wig having lunch.

CUT TO:

WHITE 10-23-09 32.

MOVING WITH TWO NEW YORK STEAKS

Which are brought to Irv and Barney, now seated.

IRV:

This is my table. You sit here,

nowhere else. I'll give you thetarget's annual income. Not the

numbers on his tax returns -the

real numbers.

INT. MOISHE'S STEAK HOUSE - DAY - FLASH FORWARD

Barney having steak with ROBERT LANTOS. Barney looks a littlegreen around the collar.

IRV (V.O.)

--You slam dunk him on the Holocaust.

It could happen here, you tell him.

Israel is our insurance policy.

BARNEY:

(to Target 1)

It could happen here. Israel is our

insurance policy.

CUT TO:

INT. MOISHE'S STEAK HOUSE - DAY - FLASH FORWARD

Barney with TARGET 2. He's getting a little more comfortable.

BARNEY:

It could happen here. Israel is our

insurance policy.

CUT TO:

INT. MOISHE'S STEAK HOUSE - DAY - FLASH FORWARD

Barney with TARGET 3. Barney's sporting a good haircut anda nice suit. He's getting the hang of this.

BARNEY:

Who's to say it couldn't happen here?

Israel is our insurance policy.

CUT TO:

INT. IRV'S CONDO - COCKTAIL FUNDRAISER - NIGHT (1976)

Barney's holding court a group of big wigs which include allthe TARGETS and ROBERT LANTOS. He's certainly found hisstride in 'proper' society.

WHITE 10-23-09 33.

BARNEY:

--And I hate to say it, but it couldhappen here.

TARGET 3

Absolutely, we get that, but tellMarv about the TV deal.

TARGET 2

Is it a good show?

ROBERT LANTOS:

It's a mound of sh*t but it's the best

goddamn tax shelter I've ever had.

IRV:

Gentlemen, I need to borrow my nephewfor a moment.

Irv escorts Barney away.

IRV (CONT'D)

What did I tell you, boychick?

Fundraising, producing, it's all thesame dance. Now listen, I got agirl I want you to meet.

BARNEY:

Irv, I don't need to be set up.

IRV:

Listen, this girl's got it all comes

from a VERY good family, shehas a master's from McGill, and she'sa real looker. Sit.

Irv taps the shoulder of THE SECOND MRS. P (30). The ultimate

'JAP'. Cute, voluptuous, stylishly dressed.

SECOND MRS. P

You must be Barney. Irv's told me

all about you.

LATER:

Barney and The Second Mrs. P sit in a corner away from therest of the guests. They're hitting it off.

SECOND MRS. P (CONT'D)

--throughout the entire second yearof my master's degree I kept havingthe same recurring dream where I'm 16again, standing in Reuben's Butchershopon St. Viateur wearing my hair in apigtail tied with this velvet ribbon

(MORE)

WHITE 10-23-09 34.

SECOND MRS. P (CONT'D)

my Aunt Sarah got me from Saks -- Did

you know Reuben? He was such a card.

When I was ten he'd come around from

behind the counter and ask "how come

a beauty like you isn't married yet?" So

it's true your father is really acop? That's why you're not a squarelike most of the Jewish boys I meet -what

are you smiling about? You're a

little devil aren't you...

Her grating qualities aside, she is sexy and the pictureperfect Jewish wife. Maybe Irv's right.

EXT. THE SECOND MRS. P'S PARENTS MANSION - NIGHT

Barney and IZZY (60), his father, walk up the steep steps.

Izzy's carrying a bottle of Scotch for a gift.

BARNEY:

So, dad, remember, watch the languageand mind the manners.

IZZY:

I got it, kid. Don't worry.

They reach the door. Barney rings the bell. The door opens-

ON BARNEY AND IZZY

IZZY (CONT'D)

MAZEL TOV!

BARNEY:

Dad, that's the housekeeper.

A short, Polish housekeeper, stares at them coldly.

IZZY:

Swanky.

INT. FORMAL DINING ROOM - LATER

Classical music. The gentle tinkling of silver cutlery onfine china.

Dinner with the soon to be IN-LAWS - the WASPiest Jews you've

ever seen. It's clear they are far from happy about thisunion. Everyone eats in horribly awkward silence.

SECOND MRS. P

Mr. Panofsky, I bet you have a lotof interesting stories, having beena detective and all.

WHITE 10-23-09 35.

IZZY:

Please, gorgeous, call me Izzy. And

I was just a beat cop. Jews don't

get promoted to detective in thistown.

MOTHER-IN-LAW

Have you encountered anti-semitismin your profession?

IZZY:

What do you think? Let me give youan example: One of my first shiftson the job, I corner four guys doinga dope deal in an alley. Big scorefor a rookie. I call for backup'cuz the rules say you can only putthree in a patrol car, and I'm tryingto play it by the book. You think

they send anyone to help? The

dispatcher says to me: "your peopleare good with numbers - you figureit out". So I toss three in the

back, throw the fourth across thehood, handcuff him to the side-viewmirror, then haul 'em all in.

MOTHER-IN-LAW

Oh my God, that's so dangerous.

IZZY:

Only when he blocked my view.

MOTHER-IN-LAW

I meant for him.

IZZY:

You can't be soft with these

degenerates.

FATHER-IN-LAW

Are you saying you were gratuitouslyviolent with suspected felons?

IZZY:

Gratuitously? I always got paid, Iain't gonna work for free.

BARNEY:

He means unnecessarily.

IZZY:

Look, when a feller is young and yougive him authority, he likes to push

(MORE)

WHITE 10-23-09 36.

IZZY (CONT'D)

people around. But I had to be extra

careful because I knew my name wasPanofsky. And most of the time I

was.

FATHER-IN-LAW

Most? Did you ever consider thatmaybe your career advancement wasstunted by your professional conductand not by imagined prejudices?

IZZY:

I call it like I see it. I wore myname on my badge for everyone to seeand all I ever did was walk the beat.

But you're the one with the mansionon the hill, so what do I know?

(to Second Mrs. P)

You got brains from him and beautyfrom her - what a sweet little

casserole you are. Let's make a

toast.

Izzy, Barney and The Second Mrs. P raises their glasses.

The In-Laws don't even reach for theirs.

IZZY (CONT'D)

To the blessed match of our lovebirds.

You never know what tomorrow brings.

So get to shtupping and multiplyalready.

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