Barney's Version Page #7

Under the table Mrs. P squeezes Barney high up his leg.

Barney flinches, then drinks along with Izzy and Mrs. P.

The In-Laws set their glasses back down without sipping.

Everyone continues eating.

IZZY (CONT'D)

This chicken is great.

Cutlery tinkling...

MOTHER-IN-LAW

It's fish.

CUT TO:

INT/EXT. CAR - DRIVING - MONTREAL AIRPORT - DAY (1977)

Barney driving Boogie from the airport. Boogie looks likehe hasn't slept for days.

WHITE 10-23-09 37.

BARNEY:

I was starting to think you weren'tgoing to show up. It's been two

months since I last heard from you.

BOOGIE:

Has it really? Sh*t, have I gotstories for you.

BARNEY:

That, I have no doubt of.

BOOGIE:

Listen, man, are you sure you wantto go through with this? We can

turn around and be on a flight toRome in a few hours - no questionsasked. Lunch at Dal Bolognese on me.

BARNEY:

C'mon, you haven't even met her yet.

Anyway, I have two tickets in thereds to the Stanley Cup game tonight.

Do you think after the dinner I canslip out to catch the third period?

BOOGIE:

I don't know. Brides tend to be a

little touchy about things like that.

BARNEY:

F*** me.

INT. RECEPTION HALL - RITZ CARLTON HOTEL - NIGHT

300 guests. A huge affair. The band is ripping it up through

a raucous HORA that carries over the following moments:

Barney and his mates do the Hora the way it should be done.

THE SECOND MRS. P SQUEALING and BARNEY feeling queasy asthey are HOISTED up and down on chairs.

INT. RECEPTION HALL - RITZ CARLTON HOTEL - NIGHT

AN ARMY OF SERVERS burst forth from the kitchen carryingentrees. PLATES LAND at various tables.

MOVING DOWN THE HEAD TABLE:

The bride's side of the family all prim and proper --

The Second Mrs. P talking with her mother --

WHITE 10-23-09 38.

MOTHER-IN-LAW

Darling, I just have to tell youagain how gorgeous you look. And

did you see how Marsha was lookingat you?

SECOND MRS. P

Did I ever? Poison from her eyesshe was so jealous. Do you rememberher dress? She looked like a futon.

IZZY making eyes at a curvaceous woman with a plungingneckline -- Father-In-Law watching Izzy with disdain butmaintaining a polite smile for appearances. His gaze isthen drawn further down the table by -

BOOGIE, LEO AND CEDRIC toasting him.

BOOGIE/LEO/CEDRIC

Mazel Tov!!

INT. RECEPTION HALL - RITZ CARLTON HOTEL - NIGHT

The BAND playing an upbeat number for a jam-packed dancefloor.

Barney slips out from the crowd and races to the bar -

CU - A BLACK & WHITE TV hidden behind the bar showing thehockey game.

BARNEY:

What's the score?

BARTENDER:

One - zip. Bruins just scored.

BARNEY:

Sh*t.

Barney downs another shot, then looks back to the dancefloorwhere he sees IZZY slow dancing with The Second Mrs. P.

DANCEFLOOR:

IZZY:

--I was denied the first time I tried

to get on the force because I wastoo goddamn short, then I learnedyou had to clip a hundred dollarbill to your application. Suddenly,

I was tall, dark and handsome enough.

SECOND MRS. P

Well, dark and handsome you mostcertainly are.

WHITE 10-23-09 39.

IZZY:

Oh boy, did my Barney ever luck outwith you.

SECOND MRS. P

Oh, Izzy. It's me who's the lucky

one.

IZZY:

Sunshine, from where I'm standing,

trust me, he's the lucky one.

Izzy grins and lays his head and her ample bosom.

INT. RECEPTION HALL - RITZ CARLTON HOTEL - NIGHT

Boogie emerges from behind the band, wiping his nose fromhaving just done a hit of coke. He joins Barney, Izzy andfriends at the bar watching the game.

AT THE BAR:

Everyone ROARS at a near miss.

BARNEY/BARTENDER

Go Habs! Come on!

They all do a round of shots. Then more shots. And more

shots. His FATHER IN LAW watching in disgust.

The Second Mrs. P lunges onto him from out of nowhere-

SECOND MRS. P

Barney! Your father is sitting withthe Rabbi! Go to do something quick!

She SHOVES him toward the table.

RABBI'S TABLE

The Rabbi and the other guests are visibly horrified by Izzy'sanecdotes. Irv, knowing Izzy, loves every minute of it.

IZZY:

--so we're shaking down a rub andtug - I never bust the girls, theyprovide a valuable service - but wedo it for appearances. Anyway, we'redoing our thing and one of the clients some

crazy Hungarian Nazi loaded onSlivovitz starts going ape sh*t - hecomes at me with a chair, butt nakedwith a hard-on like a can of hairspray-

WHITE 10-23-09 40.

IRV:

Iz, maybe you should tone it down alittle.

IZZY:

What, like they've never heard aboutsuch things?

RABBI:

Mr. Panosfky, there are ladies present.

IZZY:

C'mon Rabbi, everyone knows TheAlmighty tests the Jewish man withtwo great temptations: shiksas and

bacon.

BARNEY:

Dad, can I steal you away for a minute?

IZZY:

Don't anybody move. I'll be right back.

As Barney escorts Izzy away, the ENTIRE TABLE, except forIrv, disperses.

INT. RECEPTION HALL - RITZ CARLTON HOTEL - NIGHT

IZZY:

Nice bunch of folks here tonight.

I thought they'd all be snobby butI'm actually having a hell of a time.

What are you laughing at?

BARNEY:

Come here.

Barney gives his father a big hug. At this moment he couldn't

love him more. But then...

BARNEY (CONT'D)

Dad, what's in your pocket?

IZZY:

I almost forgot.

Izzy takes Barney to a quiet corner.

IZZY (CONT'D)

Your wedding present.

From inside his jacket, Izzy pulls out a GUN In Hanukkahwrapping paper.

WHITE 10-23-09 41.

IZZY (CONT'D)

My first gun. I want you to have it.

BARNEY:

I don't know what to say.

IZZY:

Say thank you and get us a drink.

BARNEY:

Thank you.

They walk to the bar. Slide out their glasses for refills.

BARTENDER:

Your father-in-law said that neither

of you was to have any more to drink.

Barney grabs a bottle himself and refills their glasses.

BARNEY:

Where is that a**hole?

IZZY:

Barney, don't embarrass me.

Barney stomps off, pushing through the crowd. Gets his father

in law in his sights. Just as he is about to reach him,

something catches his eye that stops him in his tracks.

BARNEY POV:

ACROSS THE ROOM - MIRIAM GRANT (28), Gorgeous, classy,

striking eyes. Barney is mesmerized.

FATHER IN LAW (O.S.)

Barney? Can I help you?

BARNEY:

Uh, no, forget it...

Barney turns away, but then cuts right back -

BARNEY (CONT'D)

Don't ever tell my father what hecan or cannot do again.

FATHER IN LAW:

He traumatized the Rabbi's wife-

BARNEY:

I don't care if he fingered her underthe table. He's my father and he'llhave your respect.

WHITE 10-23-09 42.

Father-In-Law is speechless.

And Barney sets out again for Miriam.

INT. RECEPTION HALL - RITZ CARLTON HOTEL - NIGHT

He emerges from a cluster of guests and spots Miriam. She's

chatting with a HANDSOME YOUNG MAN (JEFF) who excuses himselfand goes to the bar. Barney walks right up to her.

BARNEY:

We haven't met yet. I'm Barney.

MIRIAM:

I'm Miriam. Thank you for having me.

Barney is like a nervous and awkward teenager, not to mentionreally drunk.

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