Barney's Version Page #8

MIRIAM (CONT'D)

Are you alright?

BARNEY:

Fine. Perfect.

MIRIAM:

I understand you're in television.

BARNEY:

Totally Unnecessary Productions.

MIRIAM:

That's a little harsh.

BARNEY:

That's the name of my company.

She laughs. That's something he can never tire of. Miriam

notices the UNLIT cigar he's holding.

MIRIAM:

Your cigar is out.

BARNEY:

Oh, that's okay, I wouldn't want itto bother you.

MIRIAM:

Please, It's a Montecristo.

She grabs a box of matches from the table. As she lightshis cigar and talks it's as if the whole world around himhas disappeared. The entire moment incredibly intimate.

WHITE 10-23-09 43.

MIRIAM (CONT'D)

Do you know why they're called

Montecristo's?

BARNEY:

Not a clue.

MIRIAM:

Fine cigars are all still rolled by

hand. The workers who perform this

task are called "torcedores", and

they all chip in from their own wages

to employ 'lectors' - people who

read them stories as they work.

Entertainment to make the day pass

better. At the factory which produces

this Montecristo, the workers favorite

story was, you guessed it, the Count

of said name.

BARNEY:

Lectors.

MIRIAM:

Nice touch, don't you think?

He's utterly smitten. Over her shoulder he spots theBartender waving to get his attention the score now 1-1.

BARNEY:

YES.

MIRIAM:

What is it?

BARNEY:

Nothing. The hockey game.

MIRIAM:

Who's winning?

BARNEY:

Habs just tied it up. You follow

hockey?

MIRIAM:

No, but I do read newspapers.

BARNEY:

Are you doing anything later? We

can still catch the flight to Rome.

Lunch at Dal Bolognese on the Piazza

del Popolo.

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MIRIAM:

The bride may take issue with that.

Anyway, I have to catch my trainback to New York later.

She nods, and with perfect manners, rises and extends her hand.

MIRIAM (CONT'D)

Congratulations again.

He stands, takes her hand and would never let go if she didn'ttake it back. He stares at her walking away until-

SECOND MRS. P (O.S.)

Barney?

The Second Mrs. P directly behind him.

BARNEY:

Yes!

SECOND MRS. P

I see you met Miriam. She's such a

snob that one, don't you find?

BARNEY:

Yeah - sure - no - why?

SECOND MRS. P

She went to McGill with me, works inradio now. The kind who subscribes to

The Economist then buys Vogue off thestand. Now come explain to Judy andLeon that you don't make pornography.

INT. RECEPTION HALL - RITZ CARLTON HOTEL - NIGHT

LATER:

Barney downs yet another Scotch. His tie loose around his

neck, he's drunk and looks miserable. Boogie sits besidehim, wiping his sniffling, coked-up nose.

BARNEY:

Thanks for being here, Boogie.

BOOGIE:

I'll never miss any of your weddings.

They knock glasses.

BOOGIE (CONT'D)

Oh, I almost forgot.

Boogie rifles through his pockets then hands Barney a NOTE.

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BOOGIE (CONT'D)

Classy dame. Smart as a whip too.

BARNEY:

Who?

Boogie points Barney across the room to MIRIAM. She has hercoat on and is walking out with the Handsome Young Man.

INSERT - HANDWRITTEN NOTE

"CANADIENS 2 BRUINS 1 IN OVERTIME. CONGRATULATIONS. MIRIAM."

BARNEY (CONT'D)

Boogie, for the first time in mylife I am truly, seriously,

irretrievably in love.

The Second Mrs. P appears behind him, draping her arms aroundhis neck.

SECOND MRS. P

Oh Barney, so am I. So am I.

EXT. RITZ CARLTON HOTEL - NIGHT

Barney darts out of the Ritz Hotel and jumps into a taxi.

It's raining. Cars are honking, people pouring out into thestreets to celebrate their Hockey team's victory. Traffic

is at a standstill so Barney hops back out and decides to goby foot.

INT. CENTRAL TRAIN STATION - NIGHT

Barney, soaking wet, sprints down the stairs into the station.

He sees the FLASHING LIGHT indicating the entrance to theNEW YORK CITY PLATFORM, where a porter is checking passengerstickets. Thinking fast on his feet, Barney hurtles down theUPWARD rolling escalator to sneak onto the platform.

INT. TRAIN - NIGHT

Barney makes his way through the train, passing from car tocar, looking for Miriam... whom he finally spots.

She's wearing her reading glasses, engrossed in a novel.

Barney takes a moment just to watch her. Just being able tolook at her makes him feel good.

He drops into the seat next to her. She's stunned.

BARNEY:

I like you with glasses.

She takes them off. Shuts her book - Herzog by Saul Bellow.

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MIRIAM:

What are you doing here?!

BARNEY:

Run away with me.

MIRIAM:

What?

BARNEY:

Run away with me, or stay with me,

or I'll go with you-

MIRIAM:

Are you out of your mind?!

BARNEY:

I'm heels over head, bent over

backwards in love with you-

CONDUCTOR (O.S.)

Leaving Montreal in two minutes!

MIRIAM:

How can you say you're in love withme? We just met - on your WEDDING NIGHT.

Barney grins from ear to ear, overtaken by an unfamiliarsense of euphoria.

MIRIAM (CONT'D)

This isn't funny! Get off this train

right now.

Every word he says - every breath between every word completely

sincere and sober:

BARNEY:

I can't believe this really happens.

It really does, just like that. And

I don't care if it happened on mywedding night, at a funeral, on mydeath bed. It's happened.

Beat.

CONDUCTOR (O.S.)

I.D., tickets.

Miriam hands over her documents to the conductor.

BARNEY:

I don't have I.D. or a ticket.

WHITE 10-23-09 47.

CONDUCTOR:

Then you'll have to get off the train.

MIRIAM:

Go home, Barney. Among other things,

sobriety and regret are anxiouslywaiting up for you.

Barney finally concedes. He stands - the train LURCHES

forward as it begins to pull out.

BARNEY:

You look fantastic in that dress.

Barney gets off the train.

INT. TRAIN PLATFORM - NIGHT

Barney runs along with the train as it picks up speed. Miriam

sits at the window, but won't look at him.

But then her eyes turn to Barney, watching him still chasingafter her, unconcerned with how utterly foolish he appears -and

she smiles at him.

That smile is enough to melt his heart. He runs faster into

a flat-out sprint trying to get back on and then-

TRIPS and falls HARD onto the concrete platform.

INT. THE SECOND MRS. P'S PARENTS MANSION - NIGHT

The door opens revealing Barney - he's a mess. Ripped pants,

bloody knee and palms.

FATHER IN LAW:

We thought you were dead.

Whether that was concern or hope is unclear.

Barney steps inside. The Second Mrs. P runs out and wrapsherself around him.

SECOND MRS. P

Oh my God, are you okay? We thoughtyou were dead!! We called the police,

the hospitals, I was so ferklemptDr. Stein gave me a half a Valium-

THUD. Everyone falls silent. THE GUN has fallen out of

Barney's jacket onto the floor. Oops.

CUT TO:

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EXT. PIAZZA DI SPAGNA - ROME - DAY

On their honeymoon, Barney and The Second Mrs. P are walkingthrough the shopping district adjacent to the Spanish Steps.

The Second Mrs. P trying to manage a huge fold-out map ofRome. Barney is morose and ill-tempered.

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