Barney's Version Page #9

BARNEY:

Could you put that away please? It's

our honeymoon not a travel junket.

SECOND MRS. P

I'm embarrassing you?

BARNEY:

Yes.

SECOND MRS. P

Like with the bidet?

BARNEY:

You didn't have to ask the concierge.

I could have told you what it was for.

SECOND MRS. P

Do you have a Masters degree?

BARNEY:

No.

SECOND MRS. P

Am I embarrassed?

She stares him down for a moment.

SECOND MRS. P (CONT'D)

Snap out of it. We came to Rome tohave fun not mourn the death of yourfirst wife.

She yanks him into a LINGERIE STORE. That perks him upslightly.

CUT TO:

INT. HONEYMOON SUITE - HOTEL - ROME - DAY

The Second Mrs. P models her acquisitions for a bored Barneyas she talks long distance to her mother.

SECOND MRS. P

(into phone)

--Ma, you should see the bathrobeswe've got here, and the soaps are to

(MORE)

WHITE 10-23-09 49.

SECOND MRS. P (CONT'D)

die for... Of course I will, I'vealready stuffed three bars in mysuitcase for you...

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. HONEYMOON SUITE - HOTEL - ROME - DAY

The Second Mrs. P cuts the labels off her designer clotheswhile on the phone to her mother. Barney lays on the bedreading the sports section of the International Herald Tribune.

SECOND MRS. P

(into phone)

--It's from Dior. I wore it todayand boy did I turn a lot of heads.

I'm going to wear it to temple onthe high holidays. Arlene will die

on the spot... Barney only likesgoing shopping when I'm buyinglingerie... What's wrong with that?

Would you prefer he be like cousinCyril?... Ma, they banned Cyrilfrom the men's locker room at the

Y.M.H.A... I'm just saying... Okay,

sure, I'll talk to you tomorrow.

Okay, tell Daddy I love him, I'lltalk to you tomorrow.

She hangs up and starts putting away the day's purchases.

BARNEY:

I was just thinking about the wedding.

SECOND MRS. P

It was beautiful wasn't it?

BARNEY:

Lots of relatives.

SECOND MRS. P

Well, we do have a big family.

BARNEY:

You certainly do.

(beat)

Who was that guy from Chicago?

SECOND MRS. P

My cousin Isaac?

BARNEY:

Right.

(MORE)

WHITE 10-23-09 50.

BARNEY (CONT'D)

And what about that girl, I thinkshe was from New York, the one inthe blue dress...

SECOND MRS. P

Miriam Grant.

BARNEY:

Right. Who was she again?

SECOND MRS. P

She was a few years behind me atMcGill. I didn't even invite her.

My cousin Jeff brought her.

She gets onto the bed beside him.

BARNEY:

Jeff seems gay.

SECOND MRS. P

Jeff is gay. He just pretends forthe family.

BARNEY:

Oh good.

Beat.

SECOND MRS. P

Good?

BARNEY:

(covering)

Better he should live a lie than

inconvenience your family.

(gets under bedspread)

I'm going to take a quick nap beforedinner.

SECOND MRS. P

Nap? I don't think so.

The Second Mrs. P slides underneath the covers and starts

going down -- but then POPS back up.

SECOND MRS. P (CONT'D)

Did you wash it like I asked?

BARNEY:

Yeah.

SECOND MRS. P

With soap?

WHITE 10-23-09 51.

BARNEY:

Yes.

SECOND MRS. P

Okay.

She dives back under and starts in again. It's like enduringa highly invasive procedure.

CUT TO:

EXT. MONTREAL STREET - BOOKSTORE - DAY -PRESENT DAY

BACK TO PRESENT DAY.

Hurrying down the street, Barney passes a BOOKSTORE where anew biography of CLARA CHAMBERS is prominently featured inthe window display. The familiar ink drawing she made ofBarney drawn as Satan, gracing its cover.

INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY - CONTINUOUS

KATE is already waiting in line. Barney squeezes throughthe crowd, accidentally bumping the young woman standingbehind them without apologizing. We'll call her ORGANI-GIRL.

BARNEY:

Sorry, I'm late. I took a cab.

KATE:

That's okay, I just got here.

BARNEY:

And how are you, my favorite

offspring?

KATE:

To tell you the truth - perplexed.

BARNEY:

By what?

KATE:

By you.

(to cashier)

Two double espressos.

(to Barney)

You do something awful, but insteadof trying to make up for it, you optfor something infinitely worse.

BARNEY:

What are you talking about?

WHITE 10-23-09 52.

KATE:

Are you kidding?

BARNEY:

I'm really not.

ORGANI-GIRL

(leaning in)

My father does the same thing.

KATE:

Doesn't it make you crazy?

ORGANI-GIRL

They just don't listen to anything-

BARNEY:

(to Organi-Girl)

Hey, flaxseed -this - is not goingto happen. No crazies today.

(to Kate)

Continue.

KATE:

Dad, before the recent phone incidentyou got Blair a subscription to "BoyToy" monthly using his work address.

Before that, you signed him up to anAl-Queda website. The man still

can't fly out of the country.

BARNEY:

I've upset Claire, haven't I?

KATE:

You've upset Mom. Blair is too much

of a chicken sh*t to say anything.

BARNEY:

(kissing her cheek)

You are truly my proudest achievement.

They get their coffees and walk to the door.

KATE:

My point is, it's time to lay offBlair.

BARNEY:

He stole her from me.

KATE:

No he didn't. You got divorced.

She got remarried.

WHITE 10-23-09 53.

EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS

KATE:

There was no one rooting for acomeback more than I was, but it'stime to let it go. They're happilymarried. I'm sorry.

BARNEY:

They're married. Stick to the facts.

KATE:

An apology wouldn't hurt either.

BARNEY:

Apologize to who?

Kate gives up.

BARNEY (CONT'D)

Why don't you come up to the cottagethis weekend?

KATE:

Actually, I have a date.

BARNEY:

Nice boy?

KATE:

No, he's a nasty piece of work.

BARNEY:

Funny.

KATE:

He's very nice. We'll see. It's

our third date and I'm not bored

silly or madly in love. I like him.

I think that's a sign of maturity.

Barney stops walking. Looks around. Confused.

KATE (CONT'D)

What?

BARNEY:

Where did I park my car?

KATE:

You took a cab.

BARNEY:

Right.

(MORE)

WHITE 10-23-09 54.

BARNEY (CONT'D)

(laughing it off)

Well, I definitely need a weekend inthe country.

INT/EXT. BARNEY'S CAR - DRIVING - MONTREAL BRIDGE - DAY

Barney drives out of the city. The gorgeous Montreal skylinebehind him.

INT/EXT. BARNEY'S CAR - DRIVING - COUNTRY ROAD - DAY

Barney drives along a country road toward his cottage.

EXT. DECK - COTTAGE - NIGHT

Barney is relaxing on the deck of his lakeside cottage. A

Montecristo, Macallan's, reading "THE LIFE OF HEINRICH HEINE".

A RUSTLING comes from the woods. Barney looks up but it'spitch black out there. Probably a squirrel.

Something RUSTLES again, this time a little closer. Barneystands, leans on the wood railing, trying to see through thedarkness. Waiting for something to appear. Hoping.

From a distance, he hears the faint sound of a TWIN ENGINEAIRPLANE approaching. The sound carries over to -

FLASHBACK TO:

INT. TV SOUNDSTAGE - DAY -PAST (1978)

A young Solange is acting in a scene staged in an obviouslyfake mock-up of an AIRPLANE COCKPIT SET. We now see why shewas originally hired; she's a total knockout.

Wearing a tight, low cut outfit, she's tending to O'MALLEYwho has a small cut on his forehead.

O'MALLEY

Thank you, nurse.

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