Beethoven's 5th Page #2

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- Nope. She's not local.

Dresses kind of funny. Big-city, I think.

That's Freddy's niece, isn't it?

She'll come around.

- See you later.

- Talk to her, huh?

- This town is going to the dogs.

- Getting too uptown for my likings.

That's the Carter family.

They're just plain weird.

(car horn)

- Get in. It's an emergency.

- Where are we going?

Pete called. The fish are biting. Come on.

Rides like butter, huh?

(Sara) Don't people mind you

borrowing their cars?

I like to think of it as more of a test drive.

(country and western song on radio)

All right, kids, we're here.

Everybody out.

- Watch your step.

- For what?

- Rattlesnakes and mine shafts.

- And ghosts.

Right!

Everybody knows

these woods are haunted.

Come on. Nobody believes in ghosts.

Everybody knows there's ghosts out here.

At night you can hear them whistling.

(howls like ghost)

Uncle Freddy, I think I'm going to puke.

It's just chicken liver.

Look, it appeals to Beethoven.

Everything appeals to Beethoven.

Even toilet water.

- I got a bite.

- All right! Reel it in.

- Is that a fish?

- Whoa!

- I think I got a big one.

- (Freddy) Easy does it.

(Sara) You got it, Garrett. Don't let it go.

All right! We got dinner tonight.

Look at that baby.

- Hey, get it away from me!

- Is that a dandy or what?

There's no way I'm eating that.

- Whoa!

- (Sara) Eww!

- A genuine Gronias nigrilabrus.

- Translation:
catfish.

I told you he was

the smartest kid in Quicksilver.

(screams)

Uncle Freddy, what is it?

Hey, it's Owen.

Kids, always give a frogman a hand.

How's the weather down there?

It's wet. Too wet.

God. I never would have guessed.

- Is everyone in this town crazy?

- (both) Not us.

Beethoven? Come back, boy.

- He's probably off chasing a rabbit.

- Or maybe he's chasing a ghost.

Yeah. I'll believe it when I see it.

My grandfather saw the ghosts himself

when he was a kid.

He and his buddies were camping

by the lake when they came right at them.

They left so fast they forgot the tent.

And when they came back later...

it was all shredded up.

Stop it, Garrett.

There's no such thing as ghosts.

Sometimes spirits get trapped in this

world and can't find their way out.

And scientists,

with all their gobbledegook,

they just can't figure it out either.

(leaves rustling)

- (Sara) What was that?

- (Freddy) It's Beethoven.

- Come here. Here, boy.

- What's he got?

(Freddy) Hey! You got to love that dog.

Goes into the woods and comes back with

money. Any more where that came from?

- Can I keep it?

- I don't see why not. It looks old.

- Go get us all some money, Beethoven.

- Yeah.

- Buckets of it. Right?

- Yeah.

Yeah.

(toilet flushes)

- (banging and whirring)

- (puzzled growl)

(knock on door)

I forgot to mention.

The bathroom's upstairs.

Yeah. We heard.

Well, good night.

Don't let the bedbugs bite.

- Uh, Uncle Freddy?

- Yeah?

You don't really have bedbugs, do you?

Nah. Not any more.

Beethoven, this is

going to be a long month.

So I decided at that point

to give up on a career with the NBA

and then I stopped eating for height

and started eating for pure girth.

Give me the seven-eighths, would you?

Thanks.

I think I'm going to save a lot of money

on lubrication with you around here.

(tyres screech)

Three, two, one...

(siren)

Right on cue. That, Beethoven, is the

number-one moneymaker in this town.

The speed trap on Quicksilver Drive.

Out-of-towners think they can just

blast through here at any speed.

And then they meet the sheriff.

(Western-style music)

Nine times out of ten

some yokel's at the wheel

who thinks he can handle her

cos she's a woman.

Perfect. She's a chick.

- Licence and registration.

- Darlin', what did I do wrong?

It's Sheriff Dempsey. Licence.

Well, you got to hope he doesn't

start out by calling her honey.

Honey, we can work this out.

Sweet thing like you.

Ow, ow, ow!

It's a takedown! Oh, yeah!

Eurgh!

Don't you scratch an itch

until I tell you to.

Yes, sir. Ma'am! I mean ma'am.

Ow!

No, Beethoven, you do not

want to mess with the sheriff.

See that right there? That's her dad.

The Equaliser!

He was the greatest wrestler to ever mash

your face into the mat. The Equaliser!

Uncle Freddy.

(laughs) What are you doing?

(car zooms past)

A little wrestling talk

between the guys. Sports fans.

- So. What's up?

- (siren)

Me and Beethoven wanted to

go check out some stores nearby.

Good, fine. Well, have fun.

And behave yourself.

- We will.

- So long, Beethoven.

Come on, Beethoven.

Come on, let's check this place out.

It looks friendly.

- Get that Big Foot out of here.

- I'm sorry.

Come on, boy. Come on.

Did that big elephant

scare you, Babycakes?

You stay here, OK? I won't be long.

Come back here, Babycakes.

Listen to Mommy.

You know, little girl, this is a local store.

And you're no local.

- What are you doing in Quicksilver?

- I'm visiting my uncle Freddy.

- Freddy Kablinski.

- The grease monkey?

He's a mechanic. A certified mechanic.

(Beethoven growls)

(more growling)

Do you have any samples?

What does this look like,

Saks Fifth Avenue?

I've got surveillance cameras all over,

so don't think about stuffing your pockets.

I guess I can charge you

the local price. 7.41.

(cash register pings)

- Do you think I was born yesterday?

- What?

Oh, I see. The big-city folk are coming to

Quicksilver to make the yokels look silly.

This is phoney. Counterfeit. Funny money.

- Really, I didn't know.

- Didn't know? Hmm.

Everyone knows Hamilton is on the tens

and Andrew Jackson is on the twenties.

There it is. Andrew Jackson clear as day.

Issued in 1920.

Um...

I'm sorry. I'd better be going now.

I'll bring back real money. Bye.

1920?

Come on, boy. Let's get out of here.

(farts)

(farts)

You say Alexander Hamilton's

supposed to be on the ten?

Uh-huh. And Andrew Jackson's

on the twenty.

We'll see about that.

You have to have money

before you can spot counterfeit bills.

- We'd better go to the bank.

- Wait.

- Here you go.

- Oh! Thank you, Mr Gates.

I won it from Mr Dobson.

It pains me to admit Evie Kling might be

right about anything, but guess what?

- She is right.

- It was so humiliating.

- Maybe we should turn it in to the sheriff.

- I say ignore law enforcement.

- Let's keep it.

- Yeah.

No. No, we'd better go to the sheriff.

As long as Beethoven doesn't

get in trouble for passing funny money.

I don't think they have room

for him in the big house.

Let's go.

- Hey, Jim, is the sheriff in?

- She's right there.

Thanks.

- Hey.

- Hey, Freddy.

- This must be the counterfeiter.

- I didn't know, honest.

- Sara, this is Sheriff Dempsey.

- Call me Julie.

- Hey, who's the thief?

- (Sara) Beethoven!

- Partners in crime, huh?

- Sorry.

- He's kind of a bottomless pit.

- (burps)

You can relax, Sara.

You were paying with real money.

- But look.

- I know. Looks strange.

But come here.

Check this out.

I did a little web-surfing. You see?

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