Beethoven's Christmas Adventure Page #2

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Okay, look. l'm not

a six-year-old kid anymore.

l know that there's no such thing as Santa Claus.

(SCOFFS)

Yes, there is!

And l have to get his magic

toy bag back before Christmas.

l think what you need to find is a good psychiatrist.

Maybe a whole

team of them.

What? No! No, no, no,

l'm telling the truth!

(BARKlNG)

Ha! See, your dog believes me.

(LAUGHS)

He must've saw me fall out of the sleigh,

didn't you, boy?

Where did they

get him?

What if l can prove

that l can understand

what this drool

machine is saying?

How are you gonna do that?

By talking to him.

All right.

Let's see what

we have here. Okay.

"Reindeer, Snow Bunny,

Polar Bear, Weasel,

"Bank Executive?

Oh, dog!" Here we go!

Talk about dog breath.

All right,

so, Beethoven,

tell me something about Mason

that only you would know.

Okay, l'll play along,

but you're crazier than a calico on catnip

if you really think you're gonna be

able to understand what l'm saying!

l can understand you

perfectly, Beethoven.

You're kidding me, right?

Wait, wait, wait.

Am l on that Animal Planet show

where they play pranks on stupid...

No, no! You're not on any show, Beethoven.

All right?

Just tell me something

about Mason, will you?

Okay, okay.

l've only been talking to people for about 30 seconds,

so sorry if l'm

a little distracted!

By the way, you wouldn't

happen to have any

sugar cookies

on you, would you?

Beethoven!

Sorry, sorry.

Okay, something about Mason.

Hmm.

l don't know too much about him,

but here goes.

(BARKlNG)

That's a little exploitive.

Okay. What did he say?

(SCOFFS) Only that you were selling

his picture without his permission

andlor giving him a cut!

(BEETHOVEN GROWLlNG)

Yeah, he usually gets 25 %

of all ancillary income.

Paid in bones, of course.

So, you're telling me

there really is

a Santa Claus?

Uh, duh.

Not just some dopes who act out

a fantasy for little kids every year?

That's right.

And you're a bonafide

Christmas elf?

Not just some whacko who just got out of the nuthouse.

Tell you what,

just call me Henry.

This is surreal.

His jacket totally clashes with his knickers.

Totally!

Come on,

you got to let me try it. No!

No, l am sorry, man.

That's one thing Santa is very clear on.

Christmas magic is not to be used

outside any non-North Pole employee.

Something to do with,

like, liability

or insurance,

something like that.

Look, forget that.

We have bigger problems, all right?

lf l don't find Santa's toy bag

before 12:
00 on Christmas Eve,

then he won't have enough time to deliver

the presents on Christmas morning!

And then l'll get

stripped of my bells.

Trust me,

that's a really bad thing up on the North Pole.

(EXHALES) Midnight,

Christmas Eve, right?

That gives us just over 48 hours.

(BEETHOVEN BARKS)

That should be

plenty of time.

l hope so.

l would hate to see

what would happen

if that bag ended up

in the wrong hands!

Honey, they have

Red Rover.

l can't believe it.

All the other stores are sold out!

Wait a second.

ls this right? $99.99?

Why, yes! l just

priced it myself.

We thought it was

supposed to be more

in the price-range

of 20 bucks.

Pro-model, 25 extra sounds.

Sings with his very own online app-store.

lt's the only thing Charlie asked for this year.

(SlGHS)

Pro-model,

highway robbery!

Keep the penny.

Suckers!

(LAUGHlNG)

They couldn't

find it anywhere else

because we stole it from everywhere else!

Right, boss?

Ow!

Shut up!

This is our best scheme yet and l'm

not going to let your loose lips sink it.

And what the heck

are you wearing?

lt's an elf costume.

Like they wear at the North Pole.

l know it's an elf costume, half-wit.

What l want to know is why are you wearing it?

l thought it would

help with business.

You know that cell phone store down the street?

They've got a guy out front dressed as a cell phone.

Only it's Christmas and we don't sell cell phones.

So l figured...

Ow! Ah!

Shut up. First of all,

you're an idiot.

Second of all,

you're an idiot.

Third of all, look around.

Business is doing just fine.

ln fact, this might be my best scam

since "Most Wanted Mopeds."

Ooh! Or even "Most Wanted

Kitchen Appliances."

ln fact, l think

it might be time

for another one of our midnight shopping sprees.

(BOTH LAUGHlNG)

Okay, you hit Toy

Bonanza on Route 30.

They should be

restocked by now.

And l'll check out Oy What A

Toy on Nazareth Boulevard.

And take that

stupid costume off!

You look ridiculous.

The woman at

the Halloween store...

Who charged you $40.

...said l looked

fashionably festive.

Mmm.

No. A cheap

knock-off, at best.

Hey!

Sorry, everyone,

we're closing a bit early today.

Please take your purchases to the

check-out counter now. (LAUGHlNG)

That's right, move along.

(CHRlSTMAS JlNGLE PLAYlNG)

Elves wear tights

and elves wear tunics

Elves are Santa's

little eunuchs

Freaks of nature.

(TlRES SCREECHlNG)

What the...

lnconsiderates!

Leaving their junk right in the middle of the street.

(SCREAMlNG)

That's twice in one day

with the same foot!

What the heck

is in here anyway?

Toys.

What?

What the...

(LAUGHS)

Groovy.

(EXCLAlMS)

l'll be ho, ho, hoed!

(DlALlNG ON CELL PHONE)

KENNY:
Most Wanted Toys,

may I help you?

Yeah.

Cancel the toy ride!

Okay.

l think l just found a whole new source of inventory.

Whatever you say, boss.

(LAUGHS)

(DOG BARKlNG)

What are you looking at?

Finders, keepers!

(BARKS)

(WHlMPERS)

(WHlMPERS)

(TlRES SQUEALlNG)

(WHlMPERS AGAlN)

HENRY:
Mmm.

So this is

called pizza?

(WHlMPERS)

lt's delicious! l mean,

it could use a little bit more nutmeg,

but, hey,

everything could use a little bit more nutmeg.

(LAUGHS)

So, what do you guys

eat at the North Pole?

Well, mostly

milk and cookies

'cause, you know, Santa

draws up the menu and...

Um, how about the lnternet?

Do you guys have that?

We have the Winternet.

Freezes up a lot, though.

Uh, do you guys

go to school?

We are supposed to,

but every day is a snow day.

(LAUGHS)

Holy...

(BARKS)

You know,

l have to admit l thought you would be shorter.

Yeah, it's a common

misconception,

but l'm pretty average

as far as elf-sizes go.

l am member of

the National Association

for the Advancement

of Larger Elves.

What else do we have wrong?

Do elves really make toys?

Uh...

Well, yeah,

all of us do like...

We wouldn't be elves if we didn't make toys, right?

What about the whole talking-to-animals thing?

Do all elves do that?

Well, yeah.

Each and every

one of us do.

Definitely not just the stable elves.

Stable elves.

What are stable elves?

Oh. Nothing special.

l mean, uh,

nothing important.

Hello, Mason, Beethoven,

and Christmas elf.

Mason, is this

a friend of yours?

Uh, no, you actually had

it right the first time.

This is Henry and, well,

he is a real-life Christmas elf.

(HENRY CLEARS THROAT)

Greetings from the North Pole,

my lady.

Your son was kind enough to

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