Beethoven's Christmas Adventure Page #7

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glitz and glamour

and presents.

Lots and lots of presents.

(CELL PHONE RlNGlNG)

Trouble.

Hello.

lnga!

(LAUGHS) My little

Swedish meatball.

l'm so glad

you got my tweet.

Beethoven.

(BEETHOVEN BARKS)

What happened?

Where is Henry

and the little guy?

Oh, man, l wish

l could understand you.

Hey, Mason.

Mom, l need to talk to you about something.

What? What's wrong?

lt's the elf. l...

l think he may be in trouble.

Let me guess.

Your little elf friend

knocked over a toy store

and now you want

me to post bail?

No, Mom, listen.

There's really something wrong.

We are not having this conversation, Mason,

because l need to get Beethoven ready for the parade.

(BARKlNG)

Oh!

See, Mom?

Even Beethoven is trying to tell you something.

Can't you just put

your stupid job aside

for one second and

just listen to me?

l do listen to you, Mason.

No, you don't.

Ever since Dad died it's like you

barely pay attention to me at all.

lt's like you died, too.

And you know what?

lf Dad was here,

he'd listen to me.

l just know he would.

(WHlMPERS)

Have l really

been that absent?

What am l talking to you for?

You can't talk.

Beethoven!

Where you going?

Beethoven,

what are you doing?

(BEETHOVEN BARKS)

What have you got?

A candy cane?

l don't want a candy cane

right now, Beethoven.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay, l'll have a candy cane.

l'll have a candy cane.

Oh, that is horrible.

Oh, what kind of

candy cane is this?

The kind that turns this...

(BARKS)

...into this, "Hey, good-looking,

how you doing?"

What's going on?

What's going on is

it's time for you

to get your nose

out of your butt

and listen to Mason.

He's telling the truth,

you know.

While you've been

out chasing your tail,

we've been trying to save Christmas,

doggone it.

But you

can't talk.

Oh, just get

over it already.

lt's elf magic,

all right?

You know,

from that real Christmas elf who's living in your garage?

He's got a whole bag

of tricks out there.

Berries that

make reindeer fly,

candy canes that

let us have this

cute little conversation we're having.

(LAUGHlNG NERVOUSLY)

l'm...

l'm talking to Beethoven.

No, l'm the one

doing all the talking

and you're just standing there

with the dopey look on your face.

Now, are you gonna help Mason save Christmas,

or what?

(KNOCKlNG)

Hey.

lf we're gonna get that magic

toy bag back to Santa in time,

we better get going.

You believe me?

Mason,

l am so sorry if l haven't been there for you.

After your dad died,

l was just so scared, you know?

Scared of what?

Not being able to

be a mom and a dad.

l guess by trying to be both,

l stopped being either.

Well, l'm sorry, too.

Because l didn't think about how hard it was for you.

l'll try to remember

that next time

you need me to help

you out with something.

But hey,

it's always hardest around

the holidays, right?

Yeah, that's right.

All right.

Let's get going.

What are we waiting for?

Beethoven told me that your

little elf friend really is in jail.

Jail?

You're not gonna get away with this,

whoever you are.

And when Santa finds

out who you are,

oh, you are gonna be in

so much trouble, mister.

l am talking "naughty list" for life.

l want to press charges.

l want to throw the book at him,

or Kindle.

Whatever's available.

Hey!

Will you just give

me the bag back?

Look, where is your

Christmas spirit?

So, are we done here?

Uh, yes, sir, Mr. Smirch.

Merry Christmas.

What?

Oh. Uh...

Ditto.

Can you at least give it back when it runs out?

What did you say?

The bag,

will you consider giving it back to me

after the toys run out?

Uh...

l'll just humor

him, you know.

Perhaps he'll slip up and say

something we can use against him.

What's this all

about, elfy?

When exactly will

the bag run out?

l don't know. But at the rate you're going,

probably soon.

The elves only made enough toys for one year.

Only made enough?

Oh, that's right.

You little creeps actually made all those toys.

(LAUGHS)

Officer, l have decided not to press charges.

What? You have?

Yes.

After all

it is Christmas.

ln fact, l think

l'd like to offer

this strangely dressed

young fellow a ride home.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

CHRlSTlNE:
Excuse me.

We need to bail out an, um...

Elf.

Sorry, he's already gone.

That guy who

owns the toy store

decided not to press

charges after all.

Even gave him

a ride home, too.

Mom, he's got to

be up to something.

Let's go.

Beethoven says, "Yes."

l know.

l don't get it, boss.

Why are we leaving again?

Because now that

we have the elf,

we have all we'll ever need to make

money for the rest of our lives.

No, no, no, no.

l don't actually

know how to make toys.

l explained this to you.

This is just a costume.

l picked it up at

the Halloween store...

l'm not talking about you.

l am talking

about this elf.

This real Christmas elf.

(MUFFLED SCREAMlNG)

You're saying that's

a real Christmas elf?

No wonder his

costume is so good.

But wait.

We're kidnapping him?

Yes. Don't you see?

He is even better

than the bag.

That is going

to run out.

But he will be able to make us all the

inventory we'll ever need forever.

Kenny,

give a man a bowl of rice and you feed him for a day.

But give him an elf

who can make rice

and then we steal

the elf, we eat forever.

Look, l'm telling you,

l don't know how to make toys, okay?

The one time l tried,

it was a disaster.

Right.

A Christmas elf who does not know how to make toys.

That's a good one.

(GROANS) Santa was right.

Maybe l am better at...

(MUFFLED SCREAMlNG)

But, boss, if that's

a real Christmas elf,

then that must be Santa's actual magic toy bag.

Boss, this isn't right.

We shouldn't be doing this.

Kenny, haven't l always steered you right?

Eat a good breakfast, Kenny.

Wear your warm hat, Kenny.

Don't eat the yellow snow, Kenny.

Hold it right there, Smirch.

(BEETHOVEN BARKS)

l believe you have some things that don't belong to you.

Yes, l do.

And l'm not

giving them back.

Cover me, Kenny.

(GRUNTlNG)

(BEETHOVEN BARKlNG)

Now you see him.

No, no, no, no.

(LAUGHlNG EVlLLY)

Now you don't.

Henry!

Mom, l got it!

Come on, Kenny.

(LAUGHS TRlUMPHANTLY)

(LAUGHS TRlUMPHANTLY)

Okay, come on,

we gotta get him.

(ENGlNE SPUTTERlNG)

l hate Christmas.

What are we gonna do?

Two words, run.

(BEETHOVEN BARKlNG)

Come on!

(UPBEAT CHRlSTMAS

MUSlC PLAYlNG)

Boss! Boss!

l don't wanna be a part of this anymore.

Shut up.

Ha!

Oh, Santa, just what

l always wanted.

How did you...

(LAUGHS)

No, l want

the red one.

All right.

Look, we've gone

too far this time.

l mean,

stealing old mattresses is one thing,

but stealing

Christmas is another.

Kenny, you're fired!

Oh, yeah? Fine!

l'm going back

to Boca Raton!

Only could you forward my mail to my mother's house?

Move it, monkey. Out of my way!

(BEEPlNG HORN)

Coming through!

Look out!

Get away, kid,

you bother me!

Move it or lose it!

Mommy!

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