Behind the Scenes of 'The Last Remake of Beau Geste'

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The place:
North Africa

The year:
1906

Our story starts right -

- here...

Legion! Legion!

French foreign legion!

Legion! Legion!

French foreign legion!

Legion! Legion!

French foreign legion!

Legion! Legion!

French foreign legion!

We'll give all off - for France...!

We'll break our balls - for France...!

We're scum and we're

but we'll gladly die,

we'd loose all our legs

or at least an eye,

...with great panache - for France!

...and a little in cash...

...cash, cash, cash,

cash, cash, cash...

We're all for one - for France...!

To die as one - for France...!

We'll torture and maim,

we will kill and be killed,

...for glory and fame

we are really thrilled...

...we're shoving the schmucks

- for France...!

...and a couple of bucks...

...bucks, bucks, bucks,

bucks, bucks, bucks...

So bring on the Arabs,

with sabers and knives,

...we'll murder the men,

and we'll rape all their wives,

...for Liberty! Freedom!

Nobility! Money!

...and then...

...perhaps for a change,

we'll murder the wives...

...and rape all the men...!

...for France...! For France...!

For France!

This story appears to start

here in the Sahara Desert -

but it really started some

years earlier - in England

Geste Manor

At last!

At last, Crumble!

A son! A boy to carry on

the family name of Geste.

Geste...

- He shall be a leader of men.

- Men...

- I shall call him "Beau".

- Beau...

- Yes.

- Yes...

- Beau.

- Beau yes...

My boy Beau will be tall

and strong as a tree...

...I know.

- How did that sound to you?

- It sounded like "bye bye, Beau..."

Any news?

Has my son arrived yet...?

Not yet,

but the doctor said any minute.

- Damn blast my sow of a wife, God bless her...

- ...and all who sail in her.

How long does she intend

to keep me waiting?

He's arrived, Sir!

Listen to him crying!

Cowardly little swine.

Is that what he thinks a hero is like?

Bawling like a sissy?

I'll beat some courage into him!

Where are you going Sir?

Out of my way, doctor Crippen!

I want to discipline my son!

- Ahaaa! Before you go in...

...I must tell you...

...I bear both good tidings

and bad tidings.

First...

...your wife is dead.

- And the bad tidings...?

Your son...

...is...

...a daughter!

A daughter ?!

I have no requirements

for a daughter!

You incompetent fool,

I gave you precise instructions!

I want a boy!

BOYS:

ORPHANAGE:

ADOPTIONS ARRANGED

TO SUIT ALL POCKETS

You could not have picked a

better establishment, Sir Hector.

All my dear boys here,

blessed,

they practice what I preach.

brotherly love, self denial,

and onto others.

They don't each onto other,

Sir Hector.

You cannot stop the pretty dears.

Now then, Sir Hector, what kind

of a boy was you looking for?

We have all manner here, you know;

high and low degree.

Will you stop that, you

vicious little varmint?!

Now this is a scruffy lot...

...won't do, won't do, won't do...

...and he looks jewish!

I want a soldier, not a dentist!

To be frank with you,

Miss Wormwood,

...I'm looking for something...

...a little more stylish.

You see,

my son has to be a hero.

For the right boy I'm prepared

to pay handsomly,...

...he's got to be tall,

...blond,

must have an aristocratic bearing,

...and the necessary blue eyes,

...a lad to whom I can confidently

bequeath my own noble features.

I shall eventually need him to

reach a height of six feet one,

And naturally he will be brought up...

...with an english gentleman's

attitude and love of slaughter.

That seems to cover the essentials.

Why, you're wheezing, Woodward!

Let's proceed slowly.

That's him.

That's Beau.

Beau Geste!

You are Beau Geste.

No Sir,

my name is Obediah Spittle.

No...

You were Obediah Spittle.

But now...

...you are...

...Beau Geste!

I am Beau Geste.

- Wrap him up.

- Oh, I couldn't, Sir Hector!

He's like my own son!

- I give you five guineas.

- My own son sold for six!

Tell you what I'll do: make it twelve,

and I'll throw in his identical twin brother.

Two sons? Two heroes?

I'll take them both.

Digby!

Say hello to your new papa...

I can't split the pair...!

And so began a new life for us.

Together with Sir Hector's daughter,

Isabel, we became Gestes;

The days flew quickly by...

We were identical twins.

But somehow, Beau was

much more identical then me.

Isabel adored Beau.

He seemed to feel nothing;

but then, heroes aren't allowed feelings.

It was as if I felt his feelings for him.

Beau's destiny was never in doubt.

He wanted a noble death,

and a Viking's funeral.

That's the way I'd like to go, Dig.

Dig, will you set fire to me,

and bury me at sea...?

Well... alright.

But not until you're dead!

- Beau, you won't go and die before me?

- Of course not, Dig.

We're inseparable, aren't we?

Geste et Geste

nil separatum est.

Rear march!

Right turn!

Rear march!

Beau was tought to be a soldier.

He learned to give commands.

And, as for me, well...

...I learned to obey them.

Our life at Geste Manor

concluded as usual.

...Until that fateful night,

when Sir Hector announced...

Beau!

Isabel!

I have wonderful news!

England has been plunged headlong

into a bloody and disastrous war!

- My regiment leaves at dawn.

- Where is this war, Sir?

How the hell should I know?

My vallet has the orders.

The piles of rotting corpses,

the stench of blood...

How it titillates these jaded nostrils!

I suppose I'm just an old

fashioned sentimentalist...

Beau, come with me, I want you to

watch what I'm doing very carefully.

Excuse me, Your Majesty.

One day, you'll have

to do this yourself.

Twenty-nine on right boob...

...and three twiddles on the left.

This is the legendary

"Blue Water" sapphire of the Gestes.

I have seen the Hope diamond...

...I have feasted my eyes

upon the Koh-I-Noor...

Compared to this perfection,

they are pieces of sh*t.

Beau, this priceless gem is the

foundation of the Geste fortune.

Guard it until I return.

Beau grew into the full

stature of his manhood.

I got older.

Sunday!

Day of rest.

And what of the lovely Isabel?

She practiced and practiced, and

became an accomplished virgin.

Always so damn timid, Dig.

Really come at me, eh?

Beau couldn't help being a hero,

Nature cast him for the part.

Physically he was perfect.

As his identical twin,

I must have been perfect too.

Only, it didn't show so much on me...

Are you all right, old sport?

I think so, yes.

Stop it, stop it! I think I

discovered another movie clich!

What does it say?

Sudan relieved!

One hundred thousand

english lives lost!

Forty-five thousand

French die!

England wins by fifty-five

thousand! Hooray!

Drive on!

Look! It's the coach!

The Young Master is home!

- Isabel!

- Oh, father!

Digby...

- Beau!

- Father!

Children, I have a surprise,

a very pleasant one for you.

I want you to meet

lady Flavia Geste...

...your new mother!

We got married this morning.

Maman...

...of course this will have to go.

Yes, I must refurbish

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