Behind the Scenes with Blake Edwards' 'The Great Race' Page #5

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At the rate we've been melting

that's good for about one more week.

You better keep it to yourself.

Of course I'll keep it to myself.

Until the water reaches my lower lip,

then I'll mention it to somebody.

What was the professor

complaining about?

You know the professor.

He thinks we're melting too fast,

and he was venting his wrath on the gods.

Are we melting too fast?

I don't think so.

According to my calculations...

...we'll reach land just about the time

that our feet get wet.

- I'm hungry.

- She's getting it.

How long does it take

to open a can of beans?

The eternal struggle takes time, Max.

What struggle? She's got a can opener.

You cork-brain, I'm talking about man,

woman, sex, conquest.

What was that?

He's making his move.

And I'm sure she's interested.

But unless I miss my guess

she will never submit.

If she does, we won't get any beans.

It's a contest, and he's using weapons

that have toppled everything...

...from a Kansas farm girl

to a European duchess.

But she will counter with women's rights.

That's terrible.

For a man like Leslie, that's terrible.

Like me, he must win on his own terms.

She recognizes no terms except her own.

Come and get it.

You see?

Maybe she doesn't mean us.

Hey, Professor.

Hey, Professor, up and at 'em.

Up and at 'em?

- It's 7:
30. Up and at 'em.

- "Up and at 'em!"

Don't yell!

Always yells like that in the morning.

You idiot!

"Hey, Professor, up and at 'em."

"Hey, Professor, up and at 'em, it's 7:30."

We're underwater!

We're underwater! We're doomed!

- We'll make it.

- We'll make what?

- Land.

- Land!

Land!

It's probably East Cape.

I see a ship in the harbor.

We're saved. We're saved!

Max, we're saved! We're saved!

- I am Professor Fate!

- We're saved!

Max, my trusty trout, the cannon.

Fire the cannon, let them know we're here!

Push the button, Max!

Max!

Ahoy!

Ahoy!

Isn't it wonderful to see an American ship

in this godforsaken outpost?

It is indeed. It's probably

from San Francisco or Seattle.

Ahoy, iceberg.

It's me!

It's me!

If I didn't know better I would say that's...

It's me!

- Hezekiah.

- What?

You gave me your word and I trusted you.

Then you handcuffed Hezekiah

to the Atchison, Topeka and Santa Fe.

It was the Southern Pacific.

What has that got to do with it?

You gave me your word.

- You gave me no choice!

- You lie!

I told you I would finish the race.

- Push the button, Max.

- Are you sure this is such a good idea?

She is his Achilles' heel,

she is our ace in the hole.

- She must not be left behind now, Max!

- I know!

Push the button.

But you can't leave me here.

Boss!

We want jobs. We want jobs.

Frisbee?

Frisbee!

Frisbee?

I'm sorry, dear.

- Capitulate, Henry.

- Never.

Well, remember we're having the Simpsons

to dinner. Now try not to be late.

Excuse me.

I'm sorry, dear.

I could hardly get across the hall.

Why are you complaining?

I have to sleep with their leader.

This is from Reuters.

"Last report dated March 10.

"Fate's car still in lead

and nearing Srednek Kolimsk."

They could have reached

the Lena River by now.

- Hey, Professor, what is this?

- Shut up.

You give them beads, makes them friendly.

Obviously, they don't know who I am.

I am professor Fate!

You want to try the beads?

What is the word for "friends"?

- Professor...

- Shut up!

- I don't know this language.

- Get the dictionary.

- I've got it.

- What is it?

I can't pronounce it.

Very simple.

- "Drozia."

- Drozia.

I speak, read and write French,

Russian and Arabic.

Max, stick with the car!

She don't act like she's being kidnapped.

Max!

Boss, this dispatch just came in

from Maggie Dubois.

"Have crossed Carpanian border.

"No contact with Leslie's car

in nearly three weeks.

"So there's no way of telling

who's in the lead."

The Webber Motor Car Company built

the Leslie Special.

- Have they integrated yet?

- No.

They still refuse to hire any women.

Until Webber changes its policy,

there will be no mention...

...of the Leslie Special in this newspaper.

But you can't do that.

We'll lose their advertising.

Mr. Frisbee, until my husband is released...

...from Happy Acres, I am in charge here.

Yes, sir... Ma'am.

Now, let's see.

They should be approaching

the next gasoline stop...

...which is Potzdorf.

I am General Kuhster.

I will escort you to the palace

where you will be the guests...

...of His Royal Highness, Prince Hapnick.

We are deeply honored.

Who's Prince Hapnick?

He's the royal heir to the throne.

I say we should've dumped her

a long time ago!

I say we shall dump her

when I say we'll dump her!

She's playing you for a sucker!

Good afternoon, gentlemen.

What do you want?

Who are you?

Professor Fate. And who might you be?

- Incredible.

- Amazing.

Unhand me.

I found this wildcat swimming in the lake.

I demand to know what this is all about?

It's very simple:

You and your friends are under arrest.

- Will you be in Potzdorf long, Mr. Leslie?

- I'm afraid not.

We leave tomorrow morning. Early.

Where is your competitor,

this Professor Fate?

- I suspect not far behind.

- Lf he ain't ahead of us already.

Have you met the Crown Prince yet,

Mr. Leslie?

No, I haven't had the honor.

His Royal Highness,

Crown Prince Frederick Hapnick!

Hey, boss...

- Yeah, but that's...

- No, it isn't.

That was exhausting.

Your Highness!

Your highness,

may I present the Great Leslie.

- Your Highness.

- And this is Mr. Hezekiah.

Welcome to Potzdorf.

Excuse me, Your Highness, but do you

have any relatives in the United States?

Me? Relatives in the States?

It's of no consequence, Sire.

It's just that you bear...

...an uncanny resemblance

to someone we both know.

- Someone who looks like me?

- Yes, sir.

Poor fellow.

May I have the honor of this dance?

In the Kingdom of Carpania

if one doesn't waltz...

...one doesn't dance. And I love to dance.

Only problem is, I hate the waltz.

I waltz just enough to comply

with tradition...

...then I sneak off

to more rewarding activities.

Brandy!

I should have scheduled

divine entertainment for you:

Carpania's full of forests.

The forests are full of gypsies...

...and the gypsies are full of shenanigans

such as swallowing swords...

...and chewing broken glass, eating fire.

It's wonderful!

I don't know how they do it.

Your Highness should visit India one day.

India, isn't that where they have

those Hindu persons walking on hot coals?

And lie on nails!

They train those hideous snakes!

I think I'm supposed to go to India,

after I assume the throne...

- Do we go to India, General?

- Yes.

Good, I can hardly wait.

Sit. Here, have a cigar.

The coronation is tomorrow.

I hope you'll stay, you Great Leslie, you.

I'd be most honored, Your Highness.

But if you attend the coronation,

won't you lose time in your race to Paris?

Since there hasn't been report

Professor Fate has crossed your border...

...I assume that I'm in the lead.

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