Benny & Joon

# When I wake up,

well, I know I'm gonna be

# I'm gonna be the man

who wakes up next to you

# When I go out,

yeah, I know I'm gonna be

# I'm gonna be the man

who goes along with you

# If I get drunk, well, I know I'm gonna be

# I'm gonna be the man

who gets drunk next to you

# And if I haver,

yeah, I know I'm gonna be

# I'm gonna be the man

who's haverin' to you

# But I would walk five hundred miles

# And I would walk five hundred more

# Just to be the man

who walked a thousand miles

# To fall down at your door

# When I'm lonely,

well, I know I'm gonna be

# I'm gonna be the man

who's lonely without you

# And when I'm dreamin',

well, I know I'm gonna dream

# I'm gonna dream about

the time when I'm with you

# When I go out,

well, I know I'm gonna be

# I'm gonna be the man

who goes along with you

# And when I come home,

yes, I know I'm gonna be

# I'm gonna be the man

who comes back home with you

# I'm gonna be the man

who's comin' home with you

# But I would walk five hundred miles

# And I would walk five hundred more

# Just to be the man

who walked a thousand miles

# To fall down at your door

# And I would walk five hundred miles

# And I would walk five hundred more

# Just to be the man

who walked a thousand miles

# To fall down at your door

So we're planning our next vacation.

I want Australia, she wants Italy.

I like snorkeling. She likes garlic.

All of a sudden, out of nowhere,

she says to me:
Do I need her?

Jesus, Benny.

What kind of a question is that?

Need? What does it really mean

to need somebody?

Benny, fuel line.

Waldo, could you answer that phone?

- Hello.

- I need a cheque, Benny. COD.

In a minute. Meet me in the office.

All right.

Whoa! Put that out! I got a fuel line broke.

- Hey, Benny. Joon's on the phone again.

- I'll call back. Find out what she wants.

It's an emergency.

She says you're runnin' low

on Peanut Butter Super Chunks.

An emergency...

The issue is jelly. You only like two kinds.

You either like grape or boysenberry.

Which is it? All right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, peanut butter. I know.

Super Crunch. I'll see you at six, OK? Bye.

Thanks for waitin', ma'am.

I'm afraid the best

we can do for you is gonna be...

It's gonna be $750. If you check around,

you'll see that that is a really good deal.

- Yeah?

- That is a really very good deal, ma'am.

A little too good.

Let's do it.

Come here. Come here.

You're not doing your job!

What is your job, anyway?

To clean this house, but not any more!

- Get out of my sight!

- You wouldn't dare, Joon!

What is going on here? Joon?

Mrs. Smail, please, let me explain.

Beware, the winds of reason

shall blow stern.

- What?

- I'm done, Mr. Pearl.

I'm done! The mule's turned to glue!

She wanders off unescorted.

She has sudden outbursts.

She's simply unmanageable.

Mrs. Smail, wait. Please, let me talk to her.

I can talk to her.

You can't quit on such short notice.

I'm sorry, sir. In Ireland, we have a sayin'.

"When a boat runs ashore,

the sea has spoken."

Come on! We can't play

three-handed poker.

She's gonna be alone every day.

I'm not leavin' her alone at night, too.

- So bring her. She just paints and reads.

- Yeah, and lights things on fire.

That happened once.

I got a fire extinguisher. Just bring her.

Get your ass over here.

Don't forget the Louis Prima record.

Remember, always play for keeps.

All right, all right, all right.

Yeah, I'll be there. OK.

Joon, dinner!

Spaghetti and salad?

In that order?

What happened between

you and Mrs. Smail?

She was given to fits of

semiprecious metaphors.

She's a housekeeper,

not an English professor.

She moves things.

She said you wandered off.

Did you leave the house alone?

Define "alone".

You know full well what I'm talkin' about.

I can't be worried about you knocking

another housekeeper into retirement.

First, it was Mrs. Larkspur.

A woman deeply

and hygienically disturbed.

- Her hair smelled.

- But then it was Mrs. Piltz.

Piltz? The answer's in the question.

Let's face it, Benjamin.

Hiring housekeepers is not your forte.

Well, until I do find another housekeeper,

you are gonna stick close to the house.

Understand?

Now have some salad. By the way, I want

you to come with me to my poker game.

- Benny...

- Come on. You'll have a good time.

Web belt and buckle.

Classical Greek martini shaker.

Six turkey-feather darts.

I'll see you with a Deanna Durbin album.

Come on.

- And I'll raise you with a stethoscope.

- Does it have little plastic earpieces?

- What do you care? You never win, Mike.

- I don't want 'em stabbin' my eardrums.

Steering-wheel knob.

Salad Shooter.

'56 Plymouth tire iron.

- Fold-o.

- You must have a good hand, huh?

No, I'm bluffin'.

Really?

Come on. You gotta play to find out.

OK. 150 feet of coaxial cable. Show 'em.

- Full house. Jacks over fours.

- Oh, sh*t.

I thought he was bluffin'.

Will someone get some air to his brain?

He was bluffing about bluffing.

You're a real pal, Benny.

I got a solution to your housekeeper

problem. You can have my roommate.

That's a terrific offer, Benjamin. Save

you from the chore of Smail shopping.

Those places are such drudgery.

Montgomery and Smails,

Smails and Roebuck, Smails-R-Us...

Joon.

- When did you get a roommate?

- Since last week.

My cousin pounded into town and life's

gone from heaven to hell in seven days.

- Just like the good Lord intended.

- 26 years old, he can't even read.

Spends all day polishing my plastic forks.

When you say he can't read,

what do you mean? Like words?

Yeah. And he keeps me up all night

watchin' stupid old movies.

My work's starting to suffer.

- You install cable TV.

- Joon, will you please glue your sequins?

Have we an internal sequin issue

to deal with, Benjamin?

All right, can we make this the last hand?

Come on, come on. Play cards.

Two tickets,

tomorrow night's baseball game.

One Pocket Fisherman.

- Fold.

- Do you ever stay in?

Snorkel mask.

She knows how to rattle the day help.

I think we need to find someone

more understanding than Mrs. Smail.

Tell me, how are you two getting along?

Us?

Fine. Normal. You know, fine.

- Why?

- I'll level with you.

I think it's time you gave some

serious consideration to a group home.

- She already has a home.

- Benny, she'd be with her peers.

She hates her peers. She's already quit

the two day centers to prove it.

Look, all we need right now

is a new housekeeper.

Well, I know of no one else.

You've been up and down the list.

You might want to consider

that there are some people

more capable of handling

these episodes than you.

I think that you two living together

may not be the best thing any more.

I'm her brother, and I'm her only family.

And we've done just fine,

the two of us, for 12 years.

Yes, but her stress level is always

a factor in her display of symptoms.

Her agitation should

be kept to a minimum.

Everybody gets agitated.

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