Big Ass Spider!

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[SCREAMING, GUN SHOTS FADE UP]

[MONSTER ROARS]

Oh, thank goodness. Stay, Mrs. Butterworth.

Stay, damn you! Stay! Stay! Stay!

Good morning, Mrs. Jefferson.

How are you? Oh. Oh! How are you?

Oh, you're shaking.

Thank you for coming.

Okay.

Thank you for coming.

Oh, that's all right.

On your day off especially.

Oh, come on. Are you kidding me?

Where is it, out back?

It's in the trap.

In the where?

In the trap.

Okay. All right, it's okay.

Thank you for coming

on your day off.

I got our little friend.

[CAT HISSES]

Is it ugly?

Is it ugly? They're

all beautiful to me.

Kept us up all night long with its ruckus.

Didn't it, Mrs. Butterworth?

Butterworthless when it

comes to catching critters.

At 5:
06 A.M. I heard that trap shut, and I

called you ASAP. You're on my speed dial.

I know, Ann.

I hope you rot in hell,

you filthy vermin!

Okay, I'm going to set it

loose in the park, okay?

Yeah, set it loose in the park.

Break his neck first.

Alex? Alex- Yeah.

I am... I'm just...

I'm so embarrassed.

The darned government

was late with my Social

Security check again,

so I brought you this.

Oh.

A little sugar.

That is so sweet of you.

Thank you.

It's full of maraschino cherries,

and I left off the stems this time.

Wow. Well, you can never count

on the government for anything,

but you can always count on me.

My favorite client.

You are such a nice guy.

Ah, well... How come...

...a nice guy like

you is still single?

I ask myself that same

question every day. I

guess I just haven't met

the right girl yet.

When you do...

...she's going to be exhausted.

That was awkward. Okay, bye, Mrs. J.

I'll see-

Alex, Alex.

Yeah.

You have a spider on your arm.

What? Oh, that's a tattoo.

A spider. No, no, no, no.

A spider is on your arm.

Oh, look at that. Look at that.

Oh, that's a brown recluse.

This is highly poisonous.

As long as you don't

provoke it, so we just

have to stay calm. Okay?

Let me help you.

Remain calm, okay?

Let me help you. I can-

No, no, stay calm means

I don't need your help.

Okay, let me help you.

No, don't help me. You just stay calm.

No, Mrs. J. No-

[ALEX SCREAMS]

Paging Dr. Bender.

Paging Dr. Bender.

[WOMAN KNOCKS ON DOOR]

Was that a dead body?

Let's not focus on

that, Mister...

Mathis. Was that one of

your patients, Nurse...

Lisa? I mean, I-I don't care. I'm not

saying that you were responsible for that,

but being your next patient I

was just a little concerned.

You know, I would imagine, if I

looked up the word "nurse" in,

let's say, Nurse Journal or Nurse

Illustrated or whatever it is,

that I would probably

see a picture of you.

I mean, you are, like,

the perfect nurse.

Are you done?

Okay.

Okay, so it says here you have a small

puncture wound on your upper arm.

Correct.

Can you remove your

shirt, please?

Sure.

It might be a bullet

wound, though, actually,

because I'm dodging bullets

all day long in what I do.

And what is it that you do?

Um, well, I actually-

Ow, ow. I, uh... Actually, I shouldn't

tell you. It's top secret. Ow.

I'd say you're a comedian, but the shirt

gives you away. So do your work books.

Well, Mr. Mathis, it looks

like one of your bugs bit you.

From the swelling,

I'd say a spider.

You know what? You'd be right.

It was a brown recluse.

All right, let's just do 1/10 cc

of Dexamethasone or cortisone,

whatever you want. It's

not my first barbecue.

Okay, let me check that with the doctor.

I'll be giving you these shots myself.

Then you'll be out fighting

bugs again in no time.

Uh, nurse... Lisa... let's say for

a second that this is lethal,

and, you know, I've

only got one meal left.

What do you say, you,

me, breakfast? Huh?

No.

No.

(SINGING)

It's too early for this crap and

need some help from the captain.

Jeez.

[YELLS]

[SCREAMS]

$200 for gauze? Seriously, I

hope they accept fruitcake as

payment because I don't

know what I'm going to do.

[ALARM BELL RINGING]

Okay, everybody calm down.

It's just a fire alarm.

Walk out, please. Slowly. Let's go, sir.

Don't worry. Don't be scared.

It's okay, don't run.

Slowly, slowly.

Okay, it's fine, folks.

It's fine. Everything's fine.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I

have your attention, please.

Uh, this is a false alarm.

It is a false one, folks.

There's no fire

in the building,

so if we could all just remain

calm, that would be great.

Jose, I need you to turn

the damn thing off.

Okay, you got it, boss.

Thank you.

Are you okay?

You know what? I can help

them out if you want.

You want me to help them out?

No, we're okay. We're fine.

You sure?

Yeah, we got it.

Excuse me, Director?

Yes.

Carl has something

very crazy to say.

There's something in the morgue.

It climbed right out of a body bag,

and it bit me. I swear to Christ.

Like the... Like the

living dead, Carl?

Jose, please.

Sorry, I like those movies.

Carl, what the hell are you talking about?

Did you pull the fire alarm again?

Hell, yes. Didn't you

hear what I said?

There's some sort of

animal that's down here.

Okay, but, Carl, you work at a hospital.

If something bites you,

there's doctors and

nurses everywhere.

There's no reason for you to pull a fire

alarm and alert the entire building.

But it bit me, boss. It bit me.

Maybe somebody brought in a dog.

It's not a dog. Listen, I know how this

sounds, but you should have seen it.

It's got these long black

legs, like a spider,

but it's much too

big to be a spider.

We've got to call somebody.

Look, if it was bigger than a

spider, it wasn't a spider.

I'm sure- A black

cat, maybe, Carl.

It's too big to be

a- Call somebody.

Was it a monkey?

Why would it be a monkey?

Could've been a spider. Carl, right?

Okay. Listen,

it may in fact have

been a giant tarantula.

I've seen tarantulas as

big as a foot across.

Who's this guy?

He happens to be

an exterminator.

Spiders happen to

be my specialty.

I know what spiders are thinking.

I get into a spider's head.

I think like a spider. I move

like a spider, all eight legs.

I become a spider

to catch a spider.

[MAKES SPIDER NOISES]

Okay, all right. Do you

want to go down with

Carl and maybe take

care of this thing?

I'd really appreciate it. As you can

see, I've got my hands full here.

Right now? Yeah.

I'd really appreciate it.

I would love to do that for you.

Carl, we could do that.

Sure. I love to work pro Bono.

Okay, that's great.

I appreciate that.

No problem at all.

No problem. I just have a quick

thing to discuss. See this?

This is my bill for the hospital.

I haven't settled this yet,

so I'll take care of this for you

if you take care of this for me.

Sort of quid pro quo pro Bono.

Sounds fair to me, boss.

Thank you, Jose.

Yes, fine. That's great. Consider

your visit on the house.

Thank you.

Great. Okay, Carl, will

you take this gentleman

downstairs, and let's get

rid of this bug, okay?

Okay, boss, but I

don't feel so good.

Let me see the bite.

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