Big Momma's House Page #4

Sherry, I'm not on your gearshift, am l?

- No, Big Momma. You're all right.|- All right.

Get your seat belt on.

Here we go on our way to the store.

Sh*t.

- Hattie! I've been lookin' for you.|- Well, good. Keep lookin'.

Big Momma, stay and talk to your friend.|I'll talk to you later. OK?

- Wait!|- I'll be right back.

Hattie, I need to do this|before I lose my nerve.

You run along or that ain't all you gonna lose.

Listen. Hattie, listen to me.

It was my mother's.|It's been on my dresser for 30 years.

Just sittin' in my little apartment doin' nothin'|when it could have been out seein' the world.

I just want to give you somethin',

just to prove to you|I know how to give my heart to a woman.

- There you are!|- Girl, we've been lookin' all over for you.

Hattie!

Hold on a minute. You losin' weight?

Yeah. I been workin'|with that new ab roller.

With the handles up here.

Well, sugar, it workin'. You understand me?

- Come on now. We gonna be late.|- Late for what?

Maybe you're in a dark alley.

Maybe not.

Maybe you're walkin' home|from a church social.

Maybe you're standin' on your sun porch|smokin' a pack ofVirginia Slims.

But where's an' ever you be,

you got to be prepared for this.

That was a little fast. Let me do it again.

Come on, Gertrude. This is good for you.

Don't you think you're being|a little rough on the ladies?

You think a mugger'll be easy on you?

Somebody attack you on the street, you think|they gonna do it delicately? I don't think so.

Now, where were we?

I think you were gonna ask|for another volunteer.

And, personally,|I would consider it a privilege.

OK. Let's go with some real-life situations.

All right. Now, first off...

Go on. Stand right there.

Here?

Let's say

you walkin' down the street,|struttin' your stuff,

and somebody scream out|to you "Hey, baby!"

"Back that thing up and show me|what you got." What you gonna do?

Well, I'd say...

I got a size ten,

and I'm about to cram it up his bony ass.

What ifthat don't work?

What if he decide he still wanna|get a little piece ofthat?

All he got to do is this.

You done messed up now.

Get him, Hattie Mae!

Sorry about that. I didn't think it made|much sense to defend myself delicately.

Most attackers seek out people|who look like they can't defend themselves.

- Ain't that right, Nolan?|- Yes.

See, you only got a second

to turn fear and panic into power!

- Power!|- That's right. You can't be scared.

You got to fight back.

There you are! I've been|looking all over for you.

I know I got some explainin' to do.

- That's a good idea.|- Yeah.

I paid way too much for this new wig|to mess it up here.

- That's what I'm talkin' about.|- I feel free!

Hattie, are you done with him?

- Can I have a go?|- Most definitely.

Oh, my damn.

OK, ladies...

Big Momma, what is going on?

- They make these cars so low.|- Hi, Trent. Momma, you need some help?

No, I'm not that old, Sherry.|I don't need no help.

- How you doin'?|- Good.

How was basketball?

- It was all right.|- You OK? I'm gonna go start dinner.

And make sure you put|the fatback in the greens.

Hey. This yours.

You didn't know Big Momma|knew that move, did you?

That's called an assist.

Trent, me and you haven't had much time|to just sit down and talk.

Your momma didn't happen|to talk to you about

where you were going to next, did she?

She didn't happen to say anything|about meetin' up with an old friend?

I don't know.

Trent, you know I'm your Big Momma, right?

You could talk to me and confide in me.|You know that, right?

I said I don't know. And anyway,|Momma said we shouldn't tell our business.

That some stuffwe should|just keep to ourself.

Is that right?

Did somethin' happen|while you were down at basketball?

- The older guys were mean to me.|- Say what?

They kicked me offthe court.

No, see, I knew it.|Don't nobody mess with my babies.

Who do they think they are, kicking you|off the court? That is a public court.

Let me go get my nine, OK?|Oh, no. I'll keep that...

You know what, Trent? Let me calm down.

How about we take a little walk|down to the park?

Thank you! Get offthe court, suckers.

Is that all you got?

Well, get ready to sit down,|cos you ain't gonna last long once we start.

Ain't that right, Trent?

- So, Granny thinks she got game?|- Oh, yes. I got game.

Got two words, too: I'm back.

- You're too fat to be ballin'.|- Say what?

You look like a damn shaved bird.

Look at you. Just fly your...

Never mind, young man.|I'm not even gonna get into it with you.

- Man, here's your rock.|- Didn't know I could catch that, huh?

Back at ya! Didn't know|it was comin'. Let's do this.

Come on, little man.|We gonna take you to school.

We own that ball.

Pickin' on a little man. I'm at ya.

Look at ya now. Runnin' your mouth.

What you gonna do, Grandma?

What the hell...?

Game point.

- Damn!|- Air Momma!

- That's game.|- Yes!

We won!

Yes! We won!

We won! Oh yes, baby!

I'm so happy! We won!

It smells good, Big Momma.

- Morning, Sherry.|- Good morning.

Trent wanted waffles. Have a seat.

- No, I'm gonna have some toast.|- OK.

Malcolm's been askin' about you.

- Really?|- Yes.

He was wonderin' how long|you were gonna be in town.

He thought you might be meetin' up|with some old friends from California.

I wonder what would make him think that.

Maybe somethin' you said?

Sherry, ifyou gonna be in town for a while,|you oughta spend some time with that boy.

Get to know him.

You really think he's gonna solve|all my problems, don't you?

Oh, yeah. Child, if I was 40 years younger

and able to walk down the street|without trippin' over my own breasts,

yes, I'd take him on. I'd give him a taste.

Oh, shoot!

Damn.

- Got a little jam on ya?|- Yeah. I just washed this, too.

Big Momma, do you have any soda water?

Yeah. Top shelf, Sherry.

Oh, my damn!

- What's wrong, Big Momma?|- Stains.

I hate stains because they's hard to get out,|and that's ajammy-jam stain. I know.

- Hey, Malcolm.|- Hey, little man. What you up to?

We're goin' fishin'.|Mom's gonna let me drive the boat.

- How you doin', Sherry?|- Here to empty out the septic tank?

You gotjokes.

No. Actually, I was in the neighbourhood,|so I was just stopping by.

Malcolm, you ever gone fishing?

Oh, yeah. I fish in the neighbourhood|all the time. Yeah, I know a thing or two.

- Really?|- Yes, really.

I do all kind offishing.

I just haven't caught anything|worth holding onto.

Maybe you're using the wrong bait.

What kind of bait should I be using?

Mom?

Can Malcolm come with us?

Sweetie, I'm sure Malcolm has|more important things to do today.

- Actually, I don't.|- Come on, Malcolm.

Mom doesn't know what she's doin'.

I could show you where all the hot spots are.

Sure. I don't see why not.

- Come on, Malcolm. I've never been fishing.|- Never?

Nothin' to it.

- Mom, did you see that fish jump?|- I did. Looked like he was smiling at us.

- Like he was laughing.|- Laughing at Malcolm.

- That's funny?|- No, I mean...

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