Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey

It is time.

They've reached the second crucial

turning point in their destiny.

Their message is about to

reach millions.

But... we will change all that.

When our mission is successful...

...no longer will the world

be dominated...

...by the legacy of these two fools!

No longer will we hear this:

We will stop them now!

Brothers and sisters...

...are we ready?

- Greetings, my excellent pupils.

- Station.

Let's continue our study of the

physics of acoustical reverberation.

Meet today's most non-bogus

guest speakers.

Say hello to Thomas Edison.

Hello there.

To help us on the musical side:

Johann Sebastian Bach.

And Sir James Martin

of Faith No More...

...founder of the Faith No More

Spiritual and Theological Center.

- Station!

- Station!

And a special treat

from the 23rd century:

Miss Ria Paschelle.

Miss Paschelle is

the inventor of the...

...statiophonicoxygeneticamp-

lifiagraphiphonideliverberator.

Hard to imagine the world

without them, isn't it?

Remember, this Friday, Ben Franklin

and Aretha Franklin will be here.

Saturday is the field trip

to Babylonia. And very important:

Do not do your homework without

wearing headphones...

De Nomolos. My old teacher.

Rufus.

My favorite pupil.

- I thought you were...

- Dead?

No.

Just in preparation.

I worked within the system

until I could stand it no longer.

And soon...

...soon the system

will never have existed.

- You won't get away with it.

- Time will tell.

Time has told.

I'll go back and change that,

with the aid of my secret weapons!

How's it going, dudes?

Friends, friends, friends.

These are automatons.

Replicas only.

Furnished with my agenda.

Now, what is your mission?

- First, we totally kill Bill and Ted.

- Then we take over their lives.

Then we utterly destroy them.

At the Battle of the Bands, we give

their speech except totally different.

And thus a new future is born.

A great future.

Don't tell us.

You programmed us.

- He's totally a robot!

- So are you!

We're total metal heads!

Shut up.

Now.

- What is the fuel?

- Fear!

- What is the engine?

- Discipline!

- What is the ideal?

- Order!

And how do we achieve it?

Death to Bill and Ted!

Catch you later, evil dude.

I am Bill S. Preston...

...Esquire!

This is Ted "Theodore" Logan!

On drums and keyboards...

...celebrating their fifth year

in the 20th century...

...the princesses

from medieval England.

Joanna and Elizabeth.

And we are...

...Wyld Stallyns.

You tell me you're

the greatest band, but you stink.

We don't understand it either.

You can't sing.

- The girls can play. But you guys?

- Girls mature faster than guys.

Plus, they started

in the 15th century.

What do you mean?

- They're from medieval England.

- Ted, shut up.

Medieval England, Iowa.

The Battle of the Bands is

the biggest event in the area.

We're talking

about a $25,000 first prize...

...a two-year record deal and exposure

to people in the business.

We're even live on Channel 12. If you

were me, would you put you guys on?

No way.

Since you work for Pretzels 'N' Cheese,

I'll give you a shot.

Excellent!

But last. Midnight.

By that time, everyone will be gone.

That's all right.

We're used to that.

We cleaned out Ted's brother's

junior high dance.

They turned on "La Bamba"

while he was playing his solo.

Shut up, Ted!

Guys, do yourself a favor.

Prepare a little.

Work on your act.

Think of something.

Don't worry.

We won't let you down.

- Dude, we gotta win.

- Then we could propose to the ladies.

We can't raise a family on the

money from Pretzels 'N' Cheese.

I'll tell Missy we're on our way.

Should be a most resplendent

birthday party.

- Shall we, ladies?

- Great, sure.

So you have something

else to celebrate tonight.

We got into the Battle of the Bands.

If we win, I'll totally

pay you back your money.

What if you don't win?

Well, uh, I guess...

- Maybe sell more blood.

- Think about selling the instruments.

Of course, we've always got

a spot for you.

Remember my friend, Colonel Oats

from the Alaskan Military School?

- "How's it going?"

- Yeah.

Splendidly.

Remember...

...it's not too late for you, Ted.

For either of you.

For all four of you.

Fresh fudge.

Hi, Oatsie.

Darling.

- Hi, guys.

- Hi, Missy.

Hey, Missy.

I mean, Mom.

I can't believe Missy

divorced your dad...

...and married mine.

Shut up, Ted.

- Your dad looks bad.

- I know.

What's next?

- Maybe she'll marry you.

- Then you'll be your own stepdad.

You probably noticed we haven't

given you our gifts yet.

That's because...

That's because we wanted to say...

Excuse us, dude.

I wrote this myself.

I wrote this last night.

"Elizabeth..."

"Joanna...

...as I wander through this dark

and Ionely forest of life..."

"...surrounded by various beasts..."

"...bears, vipers, squirrels..."

"Not to mention barnacles

and algae..."

"...man-of-wars, starfish,

blowfish, catfish..."

Oh, no, that's freshwater.

The point is, I know we promised you

a better life than this.

What I mean to say is, I realize

when we took you out of England...

...we said the future held

some really good stuff.

Although stuff hasn't

worked out how we thought...

...it will, we hope.

The day after tomorrow,

if things work out...

What this is about is...

- Will you...?

- Marry us?

- Theodore...

- I'd love to.

- Aim for the cat, dude!

- I'm trying, Evil Ted! I'm trying!

Aw, just missed!

- Not bad.

- Yeah, let's make it bad.

We're here, dude.

Is Rufus with you?

One second.

Looks like we lost him in the

circuits of time, duder.

Good.

Then he's gone forever.

Our first act of business:

Destroy that ridiculous,

insipid band!

You got it, dude!

Get to work.

Now!

Study these books well.

When my mission is completed...

...this will be the new history.

What a shithead.

- Bye!

- Bye!

Drive safe!

- Dude.

- What?

After we're married,

will the girls stay with us?

Yeah, our girlfriends are

most chaste.

- At least they're not dating our dads.

- Good point, dude.

- Hello?

- This is Joanna.

Joanna! How'd you call so fast?

It's not important. This is:

Elizabeth and I have decided

we're quitting Wyld Stallyns.

What?

- Yes!

- Why?

You're losers and

we don't want to see you again.

No way!

We're going to the desert to be alone.

It's over. Goodbye.

- I totally fooled them.

- Yeah, they're completely brilliant.

Not!

- Let's start phase two.

- Station.

An incredible fortune in stones.

Yet I'd trade them all

for a hand phaser.

Or a good solid club.

Maybe we should've proposed

to them sooner.

How could we, Ted?

We could barely afford

our own apartment.

This is most non-non-heinous.

- What are we gonna do?

- We gotta find them.

Talk to them.

But how?

Who could that be?

How's it going, Bill and Ted?

Ted, it's us again.

- How's it going, Bill?

- Not bad, Bill. And you?

Bad.

We came to help in your most

unfortunate situation.

How?

Come with us. We'll show you.

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