Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey Page #2

Excuse us.

- I got a weird feeling here.

- Why?

I don't know.

How do we know they're really us?

We've been through this before.

Without the intervention

of our future selves...

...would we have passed history?

Or met the babes?

Or had a most excellent adventure

through time?

Ted, if you're really me,

how many fingers am I gonna hold up?

Three.

You're right!

Let's go, guys.

We'll drive.

- Ted.

- What?

I think we're about to embark

on an unprecedented expedition.

- Dude.

- What?

I got a full-on robot chubby.

Later, Evil Ted.

Later.

I'm cold.

Hey! Can we have some heat back here?

Shut up, Bill.

That other you's a real jerk.

I'll be more considerate to myself

when I become him.

He said, shut your holes!

I got a very bad feeling.

Out.

So where are Joanna and Elizabeth?

They're not here.

We lied. Here's the truth,

we're gonna kill you now.

- No way!

- Yes way, Ted.

- We're programmed to do it.

- And we want to do it too.

You dick, Bill!

- You're metal, dude!

- I know. Check it out.

Let's go.

Bogus.

We gotta do something.

Dudes, even though

you're doing this...

...we, we...

We love you.

We love you.

Fags!

Catch you later, Bill and Ted!

Yes! I totally loogied on that

good dead me!

- We're fully, full-on evil robots.

- Yeah!

- You wanna take the van?

- No, it's beat.

There's a Porsche.

Let's bag it.

Station.

Bill...

...what happened?

Ted...

...we're dead, dude.

- No way.

- Yes way.

Look.

Now what?

Who's that?

Who are you?

Ted...

...it's the Grim Reaper, dude.

How's it hanging, Death?

You will come with me.

We can't.

We gotta get back to the babes.

Ted, we can't. We're dead, dude.

We gotta stop these evil "usses."

We gotta try.

Excuse us, dude,

but is there any way back?

You may challenge me to a contest.

But if you lose...

...you will remain here

in the afterlife...

...forever.

What if we win?

No one has ever won.

- Dude, we gotta ditch this guy.

- Definitely.

But how?

Melvin.

Excuse us, dude...

...but your shoes are untied.

I can't believe

we just melvined Death.

Let's hope he doesn't

catch up with us.

No way!

This isn't funny.

Way to go, Joanna!

I don't understand

what's come over you two.

You see, we used to be puss-weeds,

but now we're metal.

So get over here and put out!

You can forget

about us playing tonight.

Fine.

Then I guess that's that.

Yeah, see you.

Catch you later, babes!

Ted, I have an idea.

Tonight after we make

De Nomolos' speech...

...let's waste them.

Station. Meanwhile, let's trash

this lame rathole.

Stellar, Evil Ted!

- Ted, we have got to stop them.

- Yeah. But how?

I hope this works.

It worked in The Exorcist.

I and III!

You'll move downtown so DeLoach

can take her maternity leave.

Also, anyone interested

in moonlighting...

...we're stepping up security

for the Battle of the Bands.

I hear your son's band is playing.

Thanks for reminding me, sergeant.

Also, Scott Frank...

- So, how do we do this?

- I don't know.

Why don't you try something?

Okay.

Okay, dudes.

I mean, fellow policemen...

...my son, Ted "Theodore" Logan...

...and his friend

Bill Preston, Esquire...

...have been murdered and replaced

by evil robots from the future.

You totally did it, dude!

I totally possessed my dad.

Okay.

You have to arrest these robots

so they don't ruin everything for us.

I mean, my son and Bill.

And, most importantly,

they don't hurt the babes.

The princesses.

This isn't working.

- Back me up, dude.

- You got it, dude.

I totally believe you, dude.

- Doughnuts!

- Excellent!

Savory cruller.

- I got really hungry being dead.

- Yeah!

I don't think they believe us.

We have to find someone who will.

Catch you later, cop dudes!

Ted, we can't go like this.

Thanks, Dad.

- Good morning.

- Sergeant.

Gandhi.

Anne Boleyn.

Aristotle.

President Chester A. Arthur.

Clark Gable.

Charlemagne.

And I would like to contact Ty Cobb.

- Has this sance stuff ever worked?

- No.

But it will today, dude.

O great spirits

from the netherworld...

...leave your celestial

abode and speak upon us...

...with your life lessons.

I feel the spirits have arrived!

How's it going...

...New Age dudes?

Spirits, can you hear me?

And we can see down your...

It's your mom, dude!

You're right! Move over, dude.

Spirits, what have you to say to us?

The princesses are in trouble.

Ted and his most

excellent friend Bill...

...were killed!

- Listen to us.

- Beware!

O evil spirits from Hell...

...I send you back into the darkness!

- What's she doing?

- I don't know, but it's not good.

No way!

This is a totally deep hole.

- Now what?

- I don't know.

- You wanna play 20 Questions?

- Okay. I got one.

Are you a mineral?

Are you a tank?

Good one!

- Not bad!

- Can we do it again?

I'm working as hard as I can!

No way!

This is not what I expected

this place to look like.

We got totally lied to

by our album covers, man.

Who's that?

Ted, who do you think it is, dude?

How do we get his attention?

Sign of the devil, dude!

- Hey, Devil dude!

- Down here!

Down here, dude!

Two little guys!

Big dude! Down here!

I kind of like this.

Excellent!

Let's get out of here.

Ted, if I die, you can have

my Megadeth collection.

But, dude, we're already dead!

- Well, then they're yours, dude.

- Whoa! Thanks, dude.

How's it going, Beelzebub?

Okay. Can we go now?

You may go.

Thanks, dude!

You know, you got a bad rap,

but you're actually an okay dude!

- Where are we?

- I don't know.

Maybe we should try

one of these tunnels.

- Where are we?

- I don't know.

Maybe we should try

one of these doors.

After you, dude.

Now where are we?

Who's that?

It's Colonel Oats!

No way!

Gentlemen!

Welcome to Hell.

- No way.

- What?!

No way, sir?

You two...

...will do whatever

I tell you to do...

...from now on.

Is that clear?

- Yes, sir, dude!

- What?!

- Yes, dude, sir!

- What?!

Yes, sir, sir dude!

Get down and give me...

...infinity.

Stupid, pathetic,

craven little cretins.

- I can't possibly do infinity pushups!

- Pitiful little morons.

- Maybe we can do girls' style.

- Jokers!

You petty, base, bully,

bullock, bugger billies.

You're not strong! You're silky boys!

Silk comes from the butts

of Chinese worms.

- We gotta get out of here.

- I'll eat you up like butter cakes.

Get back here!

- Dude.

- What?

I think we're in

our own personal hell.

- Let's split up.

- That way he can't get us so bad.

What happened?

Bogus!

Granny S. Preston, Esquire.

No way.

Theodore!

You made your brother cry.

How about...

...a kiss...

...for your dear old granny, Bill?

Come along.

You stole Deacon's Easter basket.

No way. This was 10 years ago!

Come here!

That was non, non, non...

Non-heinous!

Choose...

...your...

...eternity.

Choose your own, you fag!

You ugly, red source of all evil!

Hello, girls.

- Dude.

- What?

- Hell sucks!

- Definitely!

- You no-nosed salamanders!

- Deac's Easter basket!

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