Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure
Hi. Welcome to the future.
San Dimas, California, 2688,
and I'm telling you,
it's great here.
The air is clean.
The water's clean.
Even the dirt is clean.
Bowling averages are way up.
Mini-golf scores are way down.
And we have more
excellent water slides
than any other planet
we communicate with.
I'm telling you this place is great.
But it almost wasn't.
You see, 700 years ago, the two
great ones ran into a few problems.
So now I have to travel
back in time to help them out.
If I should fail to keep these two
on the correct path,
the basis of our society
will be in danger.
Don't worry, it'll all make sense.
I'm a professional.
I'm Bill S. Preston, Esquire.
And I'm Ted "Theo..."
- Bill, here, you take it.
- OK.
- And I'm Ted "Theodore" Logan.
- Yeah!
And we're Wyld Stallyns!
Dude!
Let's bail.
We blew it.
Guess we used too much power.
I liked it.
Ted, while I agree that in time
our band will be most triumphant,
the truth is, Wyld Stallyns
until we have
Eddie Van Halen on guitar.
Yes, Bill, but... I do not believe
we will get Eddie Van Halen
until we have a triumphant video.
Ted, it's pointless to have
a triumphant video
before we even have
decent instruments.
How can we have decent instruments
when we really don't know how to play?
That is why we need Eddie Van Halen.
And that is why
we need a triumphant video.
- Excellent!
- Excellent!
Uh-oh.
- We're late.
- For what?
- For school, dude.
- Oh, yeah.
Bill, I'm waiting.
He's dead?
So Bill, what you're telling me,
essentially,
is that Napoleon was
a short, dead dude.
Well, yeah.
You totally blew it, dude.
- Ted, stand up.
- Stand up?
Yes, son, stand up.
Now... who was Joan of Arc?
Noah's wife?
Listen guys, don't forget, tomorrow,
final report, 1:
30 to 3:30, OK?Hey, guys.
Mr. Ryan, before you say anything,
my distinguished colleague Ted and I
wish to express to you our thanks
for all the things
we have learned in your class.
And what have you learned?
We have, uh...
We've learned that the
world has a great history.
Yes, and that thanks
to great leaders
such as... Genghis Khan,
Joan of Arc, and Socratic Method,
the world is... full of history.
It seems to me that
the only thing you have learned
is that Caesar...
Bill, Ted, this is really quite simple.
You have flunked
every section of this class.
Now unless you get an A-plus
on your final oral report tomorrow...
...guys, I have no choice
but to flunk the both of you.
Now you know your topics,
so I would suggest that you at least
cover those areas
if you want to pass the course.
- Understand?
- Yes, sir.
OK.
Guys.
something very special.
Ah, man.
Well, what are we
supposed to know for our report?
I'm not sure.
One thing I know is that
Joan of Arc is not Noah's wife.
Well then, who is Noah's wife?
I don't know, Ted.
But I do know
we're in serious trouble.
Listen to this:
"Express to the class how
an important historical figure
from each of your time periods would
view the world of San Dimas, 1988."
We're in danger of flunking
most heinously tomorrow, Ted.
Hi, Bill.
Want a ride?
Sure, Missy.
I mean, Mom.
- Your stepmom's cute.
- Shut up, Ted.
Remember when she was
a senior and we were freshmen?
Shut up, Ted!
I'll be right back,
as soon as I get my books.
Ted.
What are you doing home, Dad?
- I'm looking for my keys.
- Oh.
You haven't done anything
with them, have you?
No, sir.
I spoke to your principal today, Ted.
He said you're failing history.
- Me and Bill...
- He also said
that if you fail history,
you flunk out of school.
You know what that would mean,
don't you, Ted?
That I would have to go
to Oates Military Academy, sir.
Uh-huh.
I spoke to Colonel Oates this morning.
He's anxious to meet you, Ted.
Dude, we gotta pass.
Otherwise there's no more band.
Why?
My dad's sending me to military school.
Where?
Alaska.
Alaska...
It is time.
Their separation is imminent.
Be excellent to each other.
Party on, dude.
OK, Ted.
George Washington.
One:
The father of our country.Two:
Born on President's Day.Three:
The dollar bill guy.Bill, you ever made a mushroom
out of his head?
Ted... Alaska.
OK. Um...
Had wooden teeth, chased Moby Dick.
That's Captain Ahab, dude.
Oh, wait. Remember Disney World,
the Hall of Presidents?
Yeah, good, what'd he say?
"Welcome to the Hall of Presidents."
Hi, I brought you guys some food.
It's your mom, dude!
How's it going, guys?
Bad!
egregiously tomorrow.
And I am destined to end up
And then we will never start our band.
Good.
- What are you guys studying anyway?
- History.
- Mr. Ryan?
- Uh-huh.
Tell him, "hi."
Why don't you guys take a dinner break?
Thanks, Dad.
Now your dad's going for it...
in your own room!
Shut up, Ted.
- Your stepmom is cute, though.
- Shut up, Ted.
Remember when I asked her
to the prom?
Shut up, Ted!
Twelve-seventy-five, 1275, 1275...
OK, the lady in that car over there
said that Marco Polo
was in the year 1275.
So it's not just a water sport,
I knew it.
Excuse me,
when did the Mongols rule China?
I don't know.
I just work here.
Well, you wanna try the Thrifty Mart?
Sure.
Whoa!
Not bad.
Greetings, my excellent friends.
Do you know when
Well... perhaps we could ask them.
Bill S. Preston, Esquire...
...and Ted "Theodore" Logan.
Gentlemen, I'm here to help you
with your history report.
What?
How?
Whoa!
- Whoo!
- I hate that part.
- Bill?
- What?
Strange things are afoot
at the Circle K.
Dudes, you guys
are gonna go back in time.
Yeah!
You are going to have a most excellent
adventure through history.
- Who are you guys?
- We're you, dude!
No way. No way!
- Yes way, Ted!
- Look, we know how you feel.
We didn't believe it either
when we were you
and we-us said what we-us
OK wait, if you guys are really us...
...what number are we thinking of?
Sixty-nine, dudes!
Whoa!
Look, we've gotta go.
Yeah, we gotta get back to the report.
Rufus!
Listen to this dude, Rufus.
He knows what he's talking about.
Right. Oh, and Ted,
give my love to the princesses.
- Who?
- You'll see.
Gentleman... is everything all right?
Yeah, except, how come...
Ted, don't forget to wind your watch!
Thanks, Rufus.
Catch ya later, Bill and Ted.
Dude, are you sure
Ted, you and I have
witnessed many things,
but nothing as bodacious
as what just happened.
Besides we told ourselves
to listen to this guy.
What if we were lying?
Why would we lie to ourselves?
How are you gonna help us?
Yeah, are you gonna call someone
and get the answers?
Gentlemen, we're gonna do
a lot more than that.
Whoa. Excellent.
Brace yourselves, amigos.
Gentlemen...
...we're history.
Rufus, where are we, dude?
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"Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 5 Nov. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/bill_%2526_ted's_excellent_adventure_4086>.
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