Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure

Hi. Welcome to the future.

San Dimas, California, 2688,

and I'm telling you,

it's great here.

The air is clean.

The water's clean.

Even the dirt is clean.

Bowling averages are way up.

Mini-golf scores are way down.

And we have more

excellent water slides

than any other planet

we communicate with.

I'm telling you this place is great.

But it almost wasn't.

You see, 700 years ago, the two

great ones ran into a few problems.

So now I have to travel

back in time to help them out.

If I should fail to keep these two

on the correct path,

the basis of our society

will be in danger.

Don't worry, it'll all make sense.

I'm a professional.

I'm Bill S. Preston, Esquire.

And I'm Ted "Theo..."

- Bill, here, you take it.

- OK.

- And I'm Ted "Theodore" Logan.

- Yeah!

And we're Wyld Stallyns!

Dude!

Let's bail.

We blew it.

Guess we used too much power.

I liked it.

Ted, while I agree that in time

our band will be most triumphant,

the truth is, Wyld Stallyns

will never be a super band

until we have

Eddie Van Halen on guitar.

Yes, Bill, but... I do not believe

we will get Eddie Van Halen

until we have a triumphant video.

Ted, it's pointless to have

a triumphant video

before we even have

decent instruments.

How can we have decent instruments

when we really don't know how to play?

That is why we need Eddie Van Halen.

And that is why

we need a triumphant video.

- Excellent!

- Excellent!

Uh-oh.

- We're late.

- For what?

- For school, dude.

- Oh, yeah.

Bill, I'm waiting.

He's dead?

So Bill, what you're telling me,

essentially,

is that Napoleon was

a short, dead dude.

Well, yeah.

You totally blew it, dude.

- Ted, stand up.

- Stand up?

Yes, son, stand up.

Now... who was Joan of Arc?

Noah's wife?

Listen guys, don't forget, tomorrow,

final report, 1:
30 to 3:30, OK?

Hey, guys.

Mr. Ryan, before you say anything,

my distinguished colleague Ted and I

wish to express to you our thanks

for all the things

we have learned in your class.

And what have you learned?

We have, uh...

We've learned that the

world has a great history.

Yes, and that thanks

to great leaders

such as... Genghis Khan,

Joan of Arc, and Socratic Method,

the world is... full of history.

It seems to me that

the only thing you have learned

is that Caesar...

is a salad dressing dude.

Bill, Ted, this is really quite simple.

You have flunked

every section of this class.

Now unless you get an A-plus

on your final oral report tomorrow...

...guys, I have no choice

but to flunk the both of you.

Now you know your topics,

so I would suggest that you at least

cover those areas

if you want to pass the course.

- Understand?

- Yes, sir.

OK.

Guys.

Your report had better be

something very special.

Ah, man.

Well, what are we

supposed to know for our report?

I'm not sure.

One thing I know is that

Joan of Arc is not Noah's wife.

Well then, who is Noah's wife?

I don't know, Ted.

But I do know

we're in serious trouble.

Listen to this:

"Express to the class how

an important historical figure

from each of your time periods would

view the world of San Dimas, 1988."

We're in danger of flunking

most heinously tomorrow, Ted.

Hi, Bill.

Want a ride?

Sure, Missy.

I mean, Mom.

- Your stepmom's cute.

- Shut up, Ted.

Remember when she was

a senior and we were freshmen?

Shut up, Ted!

I'll be right back,

as soon as I get my books.

Ted.

What are you doing home, Dad?

- I'm looking for my keys.

- Oh.

You haven't done anything

with them, have you?

No, sir.

I spoke to your principal today, Ted.

He said you're failing history.

- Me and Bill...

- He also said

that if you fail history,

you flunk out of school.

You know what that would mean,

don't you, Ted?

That I would have to go

to Oates Military Academy, sir.

Uh-huh.

I spoke to Colonel Oates this morning.

He's anxious to meet you, Ted.

Dude, we gotta pass.

Otherwise there's no more band.

Why?

My dad's sending me to military school.

Where?

Alaska.

Alaska...

It is time.

Their separation is imminent.

Be excellent to each other.

Party on, dude.

OK, Ted.

George Washington.

One:
The father of our country.

Two:
Born on President's Day.

Three:
The dollar bill guy.

Bill, you ever made a mushroom

out of his head?

Ted... Alaska.

OK. Um...

Had wooden teeth, chased Moby Dick.

That's Captain Ahab, dude.

Oh, wait. Remember Disney World,

the Hall of Presidents?

Yeah, good, what'd he say?

"Welcome to the Hall of Presidents."

Hi, I brought you guys some food.

It's your mom, dude!

How's it going, guys?

Bad!

We are destined to flunk most

egregiously tomorrow.

And I am destined to end up

at Oates Military Academy.

And then we will never start our band.

Good.

- What are you guys studying anyway?

- History.

- Mr. Ryan?

- Uh-huh.

Tell him, "hi."

Why don't you guys take a dinner break?

Thanks, Dad.

Now your dad's going for it...

in your own room!

Shut up, Ted.

- Your stepmom is cute, though.

- Shut up, Ted.

Remember when I asked her

to the prom?

Shut up, Ted!

Twelve-seventy-five, 1275, 1275...

OK, the lady in that car over there

said that Marco Polo

was in the year 1275.

So it's not just a water sport,

I knew it.

Excuse me,

when did the Mongols rule China?

I don't know.

I just work here.

Well, you wanna try the Thrifty Mart?

Sure.

Whoa!

Not bad.

Greetings, my excellent friends.

Do you know when

the Mongols ruled China?

Well... perhaps we could ask them.

Bill S. Preston, Esquire...

...and Ted "Theodore" Logan.

Gentlemen, I'm here to help you

with your history report.

What?

How?

Whoa!

- Whoo!

- I hate that part.

- Bill?

- What?

Strange things are afoot

at the Circle K.

Dudes, you guys

are gonna go back in time.

Yeah!

You are going to have a most excellent

adventure through history.

- Who are you guys?

- We're you, dude!

No way. No way!

- Yes way, Ted!

- Look, we know how you feel.

We didn't believe it either

when we were you

and we-us said what we-us

are saying right now.

OK wait, if you guys are really us...

...what number are we thinking of?

Sixty-nine, dudes!

Whoa!

Look, we've gotta go.

Yeah, we gotta get back to the report.

Rufus!

Listen to this dude, Rufus.

He knows what he's talking about.

Right. Oh, and Ted,

give my love to the princesses.

- Who?

- You'll see.

Gentleman... is everything all right?

Yeah, except, how come...

Ted, don't forget to wind your watch!

Thanks, Rufus.

Catch ya later, Bill and Ted.

Dude, are you sure

we should be doing this?

Ted, you and I have

witnessed many things,

but nothing as bodacious

as what just happened.

Besides we told ourselves

to listen to this guy.

What if we were lying?

Why would we lie to ourselves?

How are you gonna help us?

Yeah, are you gonna call someone

and get the answers?

Gentlemen, we're gonna do

a lot more than that.

Whoa. Excellent.

Brace yourselves, amigos.

Gentlemen...

...we're history.

Rufus, where are we, dude?

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