Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure Page #2

These are the circuits

of history, gentlemen.

They'll take us to

any point in time we wish.

How?

Modern technology, William.

Whoa!

- That was most unprecedented, Rufus.

- Yeah.

But where are we, Rufus?

Austria, 1805,

the French have just invaded.

Bill, check it out!

We're in the middle of a war, dude!

Amigos, time to depart.

How's it going, dude?

Now where are we, dude?

Oh, it's my house.

Rufus, can we go anywhere we want,

at any time?

Gentlemen, you can do anything you want,

as long as you remember this:

No matter what happens,

you must get to that report. Got it?

All right, amigos, that book

will give you the number

of any place you want to go.

Now, most important,

no matter what you do,

no matter where you go,

that clock, the clock in San Dimas,

is always running. Got it?

- Yeah.

- All right, time for me to go.

What do you mean, Rufus?

Yeah, aren't you coming with us?

Gentlemen, you're on your own.

- Ted?

- What?

This has been a most unusual day.

- Ted, it's Napoleon.

- Who?

The short, dead dude

from our history review.

Ted, I have a most excellent idea.

Grab his legs, we gotta get him inside.

I think I've figured out a way

to pass our report.

How?

Well, we've got one

historical figure here.

Maybe we can go back

and get some more.

Yeah!

Deacon,

you have to watch this guy.

His name is Napoleon.

He's a very famous French dude.

We have decided to collect other

important figures from history

for an oral report we are doing.

While we are gone, you are

not to let him out of your sight.

Here is some money.

Take him to the movies or something.

Napoleon, I am Bill.

We'll take you back to France after you

tell us what you think of San Dimas.

- This is Ted's little brother, Deacon.

- Hi.

He'll take care of you.

- Ready, Ted?

- Ready, Bill.

Let's go back into history.

This should be most triumphant.

I want to speak with you, son.

Alone please, Bill.

All right, sit down.

What am I gonna do with you?

You can't...

Great.

You lose my keys.

You fail history.

You spend all your time

with your loser friend

planning a band that'll never happen.

Now you're not to leave this house again

until tomorrow morning.

- Yes?

- Captain Logan?

This is Deputy Van Halen

down at the station.

Deputy Van Halen?

I'm new, dude... sir.

Look, we found your keys,

and if you want 'em,

you better come and get 'em.

When I get back from the station,

I want you packed and ready to go.

Got it?

We are in serious trouble.

My dad already signed me up,

my plane leaves tomorrow night.

Only if we fail, dude.

No way!

OK, we got Sigmund Freud,

Beethoven... Uh...

Is there one for Western Movement

in America in the 19th Century?

Yeah.

Well then...

...let's reach out

and touch someone.

How's it going, Old West Dude?

Hey, Bill,

this is just like Frontierland.

Yeah,

but you can get shot here, Ted.

Oh.

- Just try to act natural.

- OK.

- Howdy, partner.

- Howdy.

Watch out

for the horse crap, Ted.

Ugh. Thanks, dude.

- Hey, Bill, I'm totally thirsty.

- Me too.

Two beers, please.

Whoa! He didn't even card us, dude!

Yeah, we have to

remember this place.

So, who should we take with us?

- Who's he?

- He's Billy the Kid.

He's famous, dude.

Let's bag him.

I need two men.

Who's with me?

We're with you, Billy the Kid.

Here's the deal.

What I win, I keep.

What you win, I keep.

Sounds good, Mr. The Kid.

Dude, you gotta have a poker face,

like me.

Whoa! Three aces!

What the hell's going on here, Billy?

Are you cheating us, Kid?

Cheatin'?

Me?

Billy!

Excellent!

Look, we're totally weak.

We can't possibly fight you.

However, how would you gentlemen like...

...free passes to Waterloo.

Home of excellent water slides.

Nice try, dude.

Whoa!

- Whoa!

- Whoa!

What?

Come on.

- Look!

- It's the Goodyear blimp.

Huh?

I can't believe

they fell for that!

Yeah!

- Let's get 'em!

- Kill 'em!

Come on!

- You guys saved my life.

- Nothing doing, Billy the Kid.

- Where we going?

- The Golden Age of Civilization.

- Where?

- Ancient Greece, dude.

Don't worry, we'll bring you back

as soon as you talk in our report.

What?!

What the?

Socrates.

- Hey, we know that name.

- Yeah!

Hey, look him up.

- Oh. It's under So-crates.

- Oh, yeah.

"So-crates:

'The only true wisdom consists

in knowing that you know nothing."'

- That's us, dude!

- Oh, yeah!

- Let's bag him.

- Yeah.

How's it going?

I'm Bill, this is Ted.

We're from the future.

Socrates. Hm...

Now what?

I don't know.

Philosophize with him.

All we are is dust in the wind, dude.

Dust.

- Wind.

- Dude.

Ha!

Let's get out of here, dude.

Whoa!

All right!

Yee-ha!

Not bad, eh, So-crates?

- Where are we, dude?

- England, 15th century.

We are in most excellent shape

for our report.

Yeah, all we need

is one more speaker from medieval.

Excellent.

Billy, you are dealing

with the oddity of time travel

with the greatest of ease.

Excuse me.

Do you know where there are any

personages of historical significance

around here?

Whoa!

Check it out.

It must be the castle of King Henry.

Let's go, dude!

Billy, guard the booth.

And watch So-crates.

So-crates.

So, who should we get from medieval?

How about that gnarly old goat dude?

Ted?

I'm in love, dude.

Whoa!

Those must be the princesses you

told yourself about at the Circle K.

We gotta go, it's a history report,

not a babe report.

But Bill...

...those are historical babes.

OK, you're the ladies man,

how we gonna meet 'em?

Excellent.

- Bill?

- What?

- These are heavy.

- Yeah, heavy metal.

We gotta go find the princesses.

Yeah.

Watch it!

Who turned out all the lights?

- Hey, Bill?

- What?

I'm Darth Ted.

Yeah, well I'm Luke Bill.

And you're not my father.

Come on!

Hey!

I totally conquered you, dude!

No way!

Come on!

I'll never rule the universe with you.

- Hey, Bill.

- What?

We totally

know how to sword fight.

Yeah!

Ah! Whoa!

Ted.

Search the castle,

there might be more of them.

Get out of here!

Bogus.

Heinous.

Most non-triumphant.

Ah, Ted... don't be dead, dude.

You killed Ted, you medieval dickweed!

Whoa!

- Ted, you're alive!

- Yeah!

I fell out of my suit

when I hit the floor.

Fag.

Dude, you totally

boned that dude in the head.

Yeah!

He's a total bonehead.

...that fat old man. I must find

a way to escape before the night.

But how?

- What's that?

- Whoa...

Boys.

I can't believe they're here.

How's it going, ladies?

You're the ones we saw

in front of the castle.

I am Ted of San Dimas.

And, uh... I bring to you

a message of love.

- From who?

- From... from myself.

And what is this message you speak of?

Uh...

Lyrics, dude.

Recite 'em some lyrics.

Oh, you beautiful babes from England,

for whom we have traveled through time.

Will you go to the prom

with us in San Dimas?

- We will have a most triumphant time.

- Way to go, dude.

- Joanna! Elizabeth!

- It's father!

- What does your father want?

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