Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure Page #3

- We're to be married

- to horrible old men today.

- No way!

Will you help us escape?

Of course, babes.

How's it going, royal ugly dudes?

I am the Earl of Preston.

And I am the Duke of Ted.

Put them in the iron maiden.

Iron Maiden?

Excellent!

Execute them!

Bogus.

We'll save you, babes!

Witches! Heretics!

I saw them!

They fell from the sky!

Heretics!

They fell out of the sky!

They had fire in their eyes,

and they had horns!

Off with their heads!

Oh, no.

- Bill?

- What?

I believe our adventure through time

has taken a most serious turn.

Huh?

- Billy!

- So-crates!

Let's go!

- Guards! After them!

- Ah!

- So-crates!

- Bye, babes!

Catch you later, medieval dudes.

Kill them! Guards!

Stop them! Stop them!

Hurry up, Billy!

Get out of the way!

Move out of the way!

Come on, get out of here!

Whoa!

Dial fast, dude!

I'm sorry, the number you have

dialed is not in service at this time.

Please check your directory

and dial again.

- Oh, no.

- Party on, dude.

Bill!

OK, I got one, let's go!

You guys stay here.

Where are we, dude?

I don't know.

They sure do play excellent music.

Most outstanding.

- It's you.

- Yeah!

It's us!

Who are we?

Bill, I think they

want us to say something.

What should I say?

Make something up.

Be excellent to each other.

Party on, dudes!

Good one, dude.

Well, we gotta get back to our report.

Yeah, we'd take you with us,

but it's a history report,

not a future report.

Later.

Later.

Let's get back

and do our report.

Good idea.

- Dude, where're we going?

- I don't know.

I think the booth's broke.

We gotta keep going to San Dimas

until we get back and get Napoleon.

Behold.

Behold, the Ziggy Pig.

The single greatest ice cream spectacle

known to man.

Eat the pig.

Eat the pig.

Ziggy, ziggy, ziggy, zig!

Whoo-hoo!

It's ice cream.

You eat it.

It's good.

Whatever, just eat it.

Hm...

All behold, he ate the pig.

Thus proving that he's a Ziggy Piggy,

Ziggy Piggy, Ziggy Piggy.

What's that?

I don't know.

- Sh*t!

- Whoa!

Where'd we land now?

Dude, it's Sigmund Freud.

How much time have we got left?

Tons! Why?

Extra credit, dude!

How's it going, Freud dude?

Let go of me.

What are you doing?

Come on, So-crates.

Welcome aboard, Ms. Joan of Arc.

My name's Ted, and this is Bill.

Oh!

Want a Twinkie, Genghis Khan?

Say "please."

Mm...

Come on, guys! Jump him!

Candygram.

Yes, what can I...

We've got plenty of time,

but we don't have any more room left.

- Ted, we're outta control.

- What?

The next place we stop we gotta try and

figure out what's wrong with the booth.

Bill, I think I got an idea

what's wrong.

What?

The antenna's broken.

Yeah! All right.

Come on, let's ditch him.

Hold on there.

Not so fast, buddy.

- Buddy?

- You ain't paid yet.

- Pay?

- Pay.

I don't want to see you

around here anymore! Beat it!

Beat it, buddy!

Idiot!

Deacon!

Here is a treat

to make a minor prehistoric pit stop

a bit more enjoyable.

Thank you.

Uh-oh.

Thanks, guys.

I sure hope this works.

I think it's working, dude.

Just a little farther...

...I hope!

Hey! That's us.

We're back in San Dimas.

Yeah, only now it's not now.

It's last night.

- Dude.

- What?

Let's go talk to ourselves.

Excellent.

What do we say anyway, anyways?

I don't know.

Let's go find out.

Sixty-nine, dudes!

Whoa!

Look dudes, we've gotta go.

Rufus!

Listen to this dude Rufus,

he knows what he's talking about.

Right. Oh, and Ted,

give my love to the princesses.

- Who?

- You'll see.

Gentlemen, is everything all right?

Yeah, except how come

the number we dialed for San Dimas

brought us here

instead of to tomorrow, Rufus?

Because in San Dimas

it is tomorrow, William.

You have to dial one number higher.

Oh, yeah. Thanks Rufus.

And you better hurry,

because you don't have much time.

What do you mean, Rufus?

We got ten hours left.

You got two hours.

Ted, you forgot to wind

your watch again.

Even after you reminded yourself not to.

Well, I better remind myself again.

Ted, don't forget to wind your watch!

Thanks, Rufus.

Catch ya later, Bill and Ted.

That conversation

made more sense this time.

Ted, you're too tall, man.

- Great, we made it!

- Huh?

Whoa!

- Who's the seorita? She's cute.

- It's his mom, dude.

- Hi, guys.

- Hi, Missy. I mean Mom.

Uh, Mrs. Preston, we'd like you

to meet some of our friends.

Yeah, this is, uh, Dave Beethoven.

Ah.

And, uh... Maxine of Arc.

Missy.

Herman the Kid.

Bob Genghis Khan.

- So-crates Johnson.

- Hi.

Dennis Freud and, uh...

...Abraham Lincoln.

Well, it's nice to meet you all.

There are sodas in the fridge.

Mom, can you give us a ride someplace?

Bill, I'm not taking you anywhere

until you do your chores.

Done!

This is the San Dimas mall.

And this is where people

of today's world hang out.

All right, everybody,

watch your step getting off.

Beethoven, make sure you

don't get sucked under.

Everybody get together,

remember who your buddy is.

So-crates, watch out

for your robe, dude.

OK, follow me.

You've got your Broadway down here,

and got your Sears over here.

The stratification of our society

is much like Marie Antoinette's.

The few possess much,

while the masses

possess little

but their television sets.

This dichotomy led to a revolution

in which Antoinette

and her husband were beheaded.

Today, leaders are impeached

rather than beheaded.

Still, while in her day, Marie

Antoinette said "Let them eat cake,"

perhaps today she would say,

"Let them eat fast food."

- Enjoy.

- OK, look around, see what you think.

We'll be back as soon

as we find Napoleon. OK?

Come on, dude, we don't got much time.

Yes, but what do we...

You ditched Napoleon?!

Deacon, do you realize you've stranded

one of Europe's greatest leaders

- in San Dimas?

- He was a dick.

Well... how are we gonna find him?

OK, wait, if we were one of

the greatest generals in history,

and we were stranded in San Dimas

for one day, where would we go?

Waterloo!

Eleven children, please.

Are you OK?

This is fun!

Buddy, you're holding up the line!

Come on, buddy.

Come on, Napoleon.

Everybody's waiting for us.

- No, no, no!

- Yes, yes, yes!

Why be soft and flabby

when you can be firm and trim?

When you can have a body that cries out,

"Look at me, admire me."

With our specialized weight training

and aerobics program,

we can help you attain the kind of body

you've only dreamed of having.

All right, let's go ladies!

You guys are looking great!

OK, jumping jacks. Jump! Jump!

You a musician?

Well here, try this.

What is?

What are they doing?

Look at his sandals. Ooh!

- I don't know.

- He's creepy.

- Weird, huh?

- Oh, they're coming over.

Hi. I'm Billy, this here is So-crates.

- Socrates.

- We're from history.

Hello, I'm Dr. Freud.

But you may call me Siggy.

Oh, my God!

You both seem to be suffering

from a mild form of hysteria.

You are such a geek.

Way to go, egghead.

- Geek!

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