Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure Page #4

- What is a "geek"?

Huh...

Oh...

Oh.

I need some help.

I've got a live one here.

- OK...

- Thank you.

...I need the Lincoln hat

and the stupid beard back.

You don't understand,

I'm Abraham Lincoln.

Yeah, right. Ha, ha, ha.

Now, come on, mister...

This is my hat and my beard.

I am!

Keep it up!

You're looking great!

Yah!

Hey! That crazy there!

- Son, hold it right there.

- Get that guy off there.

Oh!

Stop him!

Yee-haw!

Ya-ha!

- No, Sig, over here.

- Sorry, miss.

Excuse me, miss.

- Move, move.

- Pardon me.

Oh, no.

I demand a lawyer.

Don't get smart with me, buddy.

Let's go.

Hey, there they are!

Ah!

All right, come on, Grandpa.

Bogus!

That's enough.

Mom, can't you go any faster?

I want to know why

you claim to be Sigmund Freud.

Why do you claim

I'm not Sigmund Freud?

Why do you keep asking me

these questions?

Tell me about your mother.

- Oh, God.

- Would you like a couch to lie on?

No, I don't want a couch to lie on.

All right, what's your name?

Abraham Lincoln.

That's L-I-N-C-O-L-N.

I know how to spell Lincoln.

What's your birthday, Mr. Lincoln?

February 12th, 1809.

Everything is different,

but the same.

Things are more moderner than before,

bigger, and yet smaller.

It's computers.

Take your time!

San Dimas High School football rules!

I can't believe

my dad arrested them all.

What are we gonna do?

OK, Ted, you go in and talk to your dad.

I'm gonna scope the place out.

Missy, I mean Mom,

please keep an eye on Napoleon.

Stay!

All right, lock him up

with the rest of those wackos.

- I am a lawyer, you know...

- Dad!

- You pack your bags, Ted.

- What?

You're going to military school.

- But, Dad...

- No, I don't want to hear it, Ted.

- But...

- Ted, you go home

and you pack your bags, now!

- How'd it go?

- Bad.

Our historical figures are all locked up

and my dad won't let them out.

Can we get your dad's keys?

I could steal them,

but he lost them two days ago.

If only we could go back in time to

when he had them and steal them then.

Well, why can't we?

'Cause we don't got time.

We could do it after the report.

Ted, good thinking, dude!

After the report, we'll time travel

back to two days ago,

steal your dad's keys,

and leave them here.

- Where?

- I don't know.

How about behind that sign?

That way, when we get here now,

they'll be waiting for us.

- See?

- Whoa! Yeah!

So, after the report we can't forget

to do this, otherwise it won't happen.

But it did happen!

Hey, it was me who stole my dad's keys!

Exactly, Ted.

Come on.

- Mom?

- Yes?

Can you please

bring the car around back?

Sure.

Come on, Ted. We've got

some historical figures to rescue.

Over and out.

How are we gonna get past my dad?

You got a tape recorder at home?

- Yeah.

- OK.

- Remember to get the tape recorder.

- Yeah.

Set a timer on it for, uh... 2:13.

- Got it?

- Got it!

What am I gonna say on it?

Dad! Hey, Dad!

It's you, dude.

Ted?

I'm over here.

Yeah, this way.

Whoa. Check it out.

"Dear Bill and Ted,

good luck on the report.

Sincerely, Bill S. Preston, Esquire

and Ted "Theodore" Logan."

That was nice of us.

"P.S. Duck!"

- Excellent work, dude.

- Way to go!

Come on.

Shh!

Time is of the essence.

May I ask that you all work together

so that we can get down to the car.

Very quiet now. Quiet.

Against the wall.

Single file.

- Hurry up, Billy.

- How do we get out of here?

Over here, Dad.

Down here!

Way to go, dude.

We stalled him.

What else do I say?

And now, opening for Iron Maiden...

... Wyld Stallyns!

- Come on, Bill, put your back into it.

- Ted?

What in the hell

do you think you're doing?

Trash can.

Remember a trash can!

Trash can?

What are you talking about?

- Get this thing off me, Ted!

- Sorry, Dad,

but we've got to go pass

our history report.

- Oh, by the way, I found your keys.

- Ted!

Ted, where are you?

Get this off me! Ted!

In conclusion,

I think Abraham Lincoln

would be most impressed

with the world of San Dimas.

I know I am.

- Down the hall, to the left.

- Quiet.

And I'm sure I speak for Mr. Ward

and Mrs. Rowe when I say

that your reports were very entertaining

and very informative for all of us.

So, it seems we may be one report short

today, so we'll leave just a bit early.

But once again, I want to thank you

all for your very hard work...

Hey, who turned out the lights?

Hello, San Dimas.

Please welcome,

for the final report of the afternoon,

from all throughout history,

some of the greatest people

who have ever lived,

in their 1988 World Tour!

How's it going?

I'm Billy the Kid.

I'd like you all

to put your hands together.

And now, my good friends,

Bill S. Preston, Esquire,

and Ted "Theodore" Logan! Whoo!

Thank you! Thank you!

Hello, San Dimas High!

Mr. Ryan, fellow distinguished

classmates, teachers, babes.

Our first speaker was born

- in the year 470 B.C.

- Hi, long time no see.

A time when much of the world

looked like the cover of the

Led Zeppelin album Houses ofthe Holy.

We were there.

There were many steps and columns,

it was most tranquil.

He is sometimes known

as the father of modern thought.

He was the teacher of Plato, who was in

turn the teacher of Aristotle.

And like Ozzy Osbourne, was repeatedly

accused of corruption of the young.

And since he doesn't speak English,

my friend Ted here,

is going to interpret for him.

So please welcome,

to tell us what he thinks of San Dimas,

the most bodacious philosophizer

in Ancient Greece...

... Socrates!

...is totally out of control. I got

a good idea where he gets it from.

I mean if you and that wife of yours

would show a little discipline

maybe your son wouldn't be

such a bad influence.

Is discipline your key

to the success with Ted?

Yes, it is! He's going to an

Alaskan military school.

He loves you best...

...in all the world.

What are they doing up there?

He also loves...

...baseball!

Therefore, Ted's father's

own fear of failure

has caused him to make his son

the embodiment of all of his own

deepest anxieties about himself.

And, hence, his aggression

transference onto Ted.

- Whoa!

- OK, Ted?

Yes, thank you very much,

Sigmund Freud.

Hm?

Nah, just got a minor Oedipal complex.

It is indeed a pleasure

to introduce to you

a gentleman we picked up in

Medieval Mongolia in the year 1269.

Please welcome

the very excellent barbarian...

... Mr. Genghis Khan.

This is a dude who, 700 years ago,

totally ravaged China.

And who we are told, two hours ago,

totally ravaged

Oshman's Sporting Goods.

A most bodacious soldier,

and general,

Ms. Of Arc totally rousted

the English from France.

And then turned this dude,

Dauphin, into a king

and all this

by the time she was 17.

...waterslide.

The music of Ludwig van Beethoven.

As you can see,

Genghis very much enjoys Twinkies

because of the excellent sugar rush.

He also loves billiards.

Beethoven's favorite works

include Mozart's "Requiem,"

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