Blackadder's Christmas Carol Page #2

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Well I thought we'd be quite spoilt enough

with the turkey

and this mountain of nuts we have.

Well peel my tangerines, this is a night!

- Back!

- Ah, Beadle.

Charmed, honoured

and lovelied in every possible way.

Get back!

Felicitous compliments

of the gorging season to you, sir.

Peace on Earth and fat tums to all men!

Indeed, indeed! And what

of your little orphan charges?

Well I don't think I charges 'em enough, in fact.

Luckily you're here to cover up

the shortfall Mr Blackadder.

They're looking forward to coming tomorrow,

bringing you a surprise.

Surely not another totally unexpected rendition of

"God Rest Ye Merry Mr Blackadder"?

Can't say, sir. All I can say

is it's Christmas as usual,

except sadly we've managed to polish off

all our nuts before the big day.

What luck! As fate would have it,

we have some. Help yourselves.

No, sir. I couldn't take them.

- Is this all is it?

- Yes.

It'll have to do, then.

See you tomorrow.

Well what a jolly fellow!

Looked like a fat git to me.

Well yes, but you mustn't judge

people from outward appearances.

Strip away the outer layers of a fat git,

and inside you'll probably find a...

..thin git.

Those orphans were a bit fat, too.

There's some truth there.

When I visit them I remove all sharp objects

for fear of bursting one of them

and getting showered

in two dozen semi-digested pies.

But as long as they're happy.

At least we've still got our turkey.

And who knows, Christmas is a time for miracles,

so maybe, if we close our eyes really tight

and pray to the big pink pixie in the sky,

someone will come and reward us.

- Come on.

- Dear, innocent Mr Baldrick.

- See!

- Well baste my steaming puddings!

Good evening, sir and madam.

Good evening. We've come

to reward the virtuous this Christmas Eve.

Good heavens!

We have heard many stories

of your kindness and generosity.

Well one tries.

- So please...

- Yes?

Give us 10 for the virtuous lady next door.

Ah, well we'd love to oblige,

but we haven't got anything to give.

You must have something. A goose?

Oh, Albert!

We've only got a turkey, see.

That's ideal.

- Aw...

- There's a bit of luck!

Mr Baldrick, fetch the turkey.

Your accent suggests

that you are not from round here.

Ah... Nein.

I am from Glasgow.

Ah, a fine city. I love the Gorbals.

Yes, the Gorbals, I love them, too.

A lovely couple, lots of fun.

Bye-bye, birdy.

- Well done indeed. Good evening.

- Good evening.

If I see Mr and Mrs Gorbal,

I give them your regards.

Oh, dear, Mr Baldrick, it looks

like we're in for a thin Christmas.

Don't worry, I'm hanging my sock up

so Santa will come down the chimney.

If there's one thing that'll stop

Santa coming down the chimney,

it's your sock waiting for him.

If I don't hang it out, how will Santa fill it?

If you do hang it out,

Santa will be dead

before he gets within 100 yards of it.

- Don't you have any others?

- One.

Don't worry, my dear fellow,

take one of mine from the linen cupboard.

I'm off to bed. There's nothing else to stay up for.

- Goodnight, Mr Baldrick.

- Night.

Ooh, I forgot to mention, when you were out there,

there was this enormous ghostly

creature come in saying,

"Beware, for tonight you shall receive

a strange and terrible visitation."

I just thought I'd mention it.

It come through the wall

said its piece, then sodded off.

- Oh, fine. Goodnight, Mr Baldrick.

- Night night.

Whoo-oo. Whoo-oo.

Whoo-oo. Whoo-oo. Whoo-oo.

Whoo-oo. Whoop!

- Can I help?

- No, thanks. No. No, no.

Just came to say hello.

Spirit of Christmas, how d'you do?

Just doing my usual rounds, a bit of haunting,

getting misers to change their ways.

But you're such a good chap,

there's no need for any of that.

So I'll just say cheery-bye. Cheery-bye.

Can I get you some tea or anything?

You wouldn't have anything

a bit more...medicinal?

I see. I've only got some

of Nurse Macready's surgical bruise lotion.

Oh, nothing but the best at this house, eh?

Huh. Mmm.

Delicious.

It's a change from these skinflints.

You know that old fellow

across the road? Bags of money.

He tried to cut his heating bills

by using his John Thomas

as a draught excluder.

Oh, dear, old people today!

Tut!

How do you make them change their ways?

It's visions these days.

We used to use line drawings,

but the visions are more effective.

- What sort of thing?

- It depends.

Perhaps a glimpse of their school behaviour

behind the penny-farthing sheds.

Some others, we just show them

how rotten their ancestors were.

With your ancestors, it would have to be

the full one-hour-ten vision,

with a break and ice creams.

- That bad, were they?

- Did nobody tell you?

Stinkers to a man. Perhaps you'd like to see.

Whoo-oo. Whoo-oo.

Go on, my lord. Give it a little pull

You know you want to.

- It'll be ever so exciting.

- Oh, God!

Yes, terrifying.

Look. There's a surprise present for you inside.

It's a novelty death warrant

and you give it to a friend.

- Oh, just what I've always wanted.

- Got anything for me?

- It's nothing really.

- Oh, sir.

No, it's really nothing. I haven't got you anything.

I spent all my cash

on this damn thing for the Queen.

She better bloody like it.

She dropped enough hints.

That woman's about as subtle

as a rhinoceros horn up the backside.

Door!

Good morning, Your Majesty.

Christmas again, eh? What joy!

- Don't you just love it?

- No, I hate it.

- In fact, I've just abolished it.

- Sorry?

I'm going to block up the chimneys,

burn all the crackers

and kill anyone carrying a present.

Oh!

- What's that, Edmund?

- This?

- It's a window.

- A window.

Yes, but you seem to have one here,

so sorry to disturb you.

Ohh.

Well so much for that.

Ow!

Ah, Melchett.

Greetings! I trust Christmas

brings you its traditional mix

of good food and violent stomach cramp.

And compliments

of the season to you, Blackadder.

May the Yuletide log burn your house down.

I'm glad I saw you. I feel it only fair to warn you

that the Queen has banned Christmas.

So don't get her a present.

I'm indebted to you for that advice

and I shall follow it to the letter.

The day I get my brain replaced by a cauliflower.

- Ha! Got him with my subtle plan.

- I can't see any subtle plan.

You wouldn't see a subtle plan

if it painted itself purple

and danced naked on a harpsichord

singing "Subtle Plans Are Here Again."

It's a double bluff.

Melchett will do the opposite of what I tell him,

give the Queen an enormous

present, and then... Qchk!

What? He'll turn into a duck?

Yes.

Pity about this, Tinky Wink.

You used to love this time of year.

I know.

Leaving a mince pie and a glass of wine out

for Father Christmas

and then scoffing it

because I was a princess

and could do what I bloody well liked.

And wondering if your father's wife

would last till Boxing Day

without having her head cut off.

We knew if he gave her a hat

she'd probably be all right.

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