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Blackadder's Christmas Carol Page #4
- Year:
- 1988
- 43 min
- 1,721 Views
All right. Whoo-oo.
Hail, Queen Asphyxia,
Supreme Mistress of the Universe.
And hail to you, my triple husbandoid.
I summon you here to groupgreet
our swift Imperial Navies home.
Approach, Grand Admiral of the Dark Segment
and Lord of the High-slung Bottoms of Zob.
Morning.
To you, Blackadder, Thrice-endowed
Supreme Donkey of the Trouserpod,
this much greeting.
I, too, Bold Navigator,
cringe my dribblies
at your resplendent pofflesnood.
That won't be necessary, thank you.
Approach, your slave, Baldrick.
For God's sake, if you're going
to wear that ridiculous jockstrap,
at least keep your legs together.
Wilco, skipper.
Majesties, I give you this much greeting.
- What news of the foul Marmidons?
- Scattered to the Nine Vectors.
And the Sheepsqueezers of Splatikon Five?
Have they been suckcreamed
as a quanbeast's nubole?
They're dead, if that's what you mean.
Commander, did you vanquish
the Nibblepibblies?
No, my Lord Pigmot, I did not
vanquish the Nibblepibblies,
because you just made them up.
Damn it!
Excellent, Commander.
You have most pleasantly
wibbled my frussetpouch.
Bring forth the gift with which you honour me.
Majesties, from a place
where the stars begin and end,
I bring you this.
Oh, lovely, an ashtray.
Come, Majesty, he wastes our time.
I yearn to attend "20,000 years
of the Two Ronnoids" on the box podule.
- Send him to the sprouting chamber!
- No, wait!
- What is it, Commander?
- I'll show you, shall I?
Now, Your Majesty, I must respectfully insist
that you hand over to me
the Supreme Command of the Universe,
sew a button on my spare uniform,
and marry me this afternoon.
Ha, ha. So let's get this straight.
If I was bad, my descendants
would rule the entire universe.
Maybe, maybe. But would you be happy?
Being Ruler of the Universe isn't so great.
The long hours, having to wave at people,
you're no longer your own boss.
So what if I stayed good?
What then does the future hold?
I must put my foot down here.
I've got four hauntings
and a scare-the-bugger-to-death to do.
- Whoo-oo.
- No, no.
Hail, Queen Asphyxia,
Supreme Mistress of the Universe.
And hail to you, my triple husbandoid.
I summon you here to groupgreet
our swift Imperial Navies home.
Approach, Grand Admiral of the Dark Segment
and Lord of the High-slung Bottoms of Zob.
- Hail.
- And your slave.
- What's his name?
- I can't remember, Your Majesty.
No matter, Supreme Marshal of the Smells,
what news of the foul Marmidons?
- Good news...
- Excellent!
..for the Marmidons.
They wiped out our entire army.
Sorry, I got confused
and dropped a bomb on our lot.
Silence, squidling.
Bring forth the gift with which you honour me.
Oh, damn! I forgot the bloody present.
So one way, it's glory everlasting,
the other, it's wearing Baldrick's posing pouch.
Simplistic, but it points to a clear lesson.
- Namely?
- Namely...
..the rewards of virtue are largely spiritual,
but all the better for it.
Doesn't it point to the clear lesson
that bad guys have all the fun?
Absolutely not. The rewards of virtue
are infinitely more attractive.
Picture it.
Quiet evenings in your hovel, alone.
A Bible. Your own turnip!
Oh, well that makes all the difference!
- So you're going to be a good boy?
- Absolutely.
Would I lie to you?
Whoo-oo, whoo-oo.
Whoo-oo, whoo-oo.
Mr Blackadder.
Looks like Father Christmas
just forgot about me this year.
Dear me, but don't be too unhappy,
because if you look very carefully,
there's something in this stocking from me.
It's something I made for you.
That's the kind of pressie
that shows the most love.
What is it, Mr B?
I've made you...a fist.
Yes, it's for hitting.
is that you can use it again...
..and again...
..and again.
- Well what do you say?
- Thank you, Mr B.
Think nothing of it.
I, after all think nothing of you.
Oi! Git face! Penny for the season?
Hark, do I hear the voice
of a darling little cherub at the window.
No, I must have imagined it.
Shall I get that?
No, leave them in the snow until I get dressed.
I'll only be about 40 minutes.
Door.
Compliments of the season, sir.
We've come to sing merrily
and give you a small pudding. Three, four...
God bless Mr B at Christmas time
And baby Jesus, too
If we were little pigs we'd sing
Wiggy Wiggy Wiggy Wiggy Wiggy Woo
Piggy Wiggy Woo
- Utter crap.
- Thank you very much, sir.
- Do we get a Christmas treat?
- Indeed you do.
- What?
- A door in the face.
Here you are.
Mr B, you can't send them out
into the world with only a small pudding.
How right you are, Baldrick. Door.
Thank you.
- You know what I'm hoping?
- What?
I'm hoping that this is all a merry Christmas jape,
and you're going to go
"Yo ho ho" and give me a mince pie.
Close your eyes, Baldrick. Open your mouth.
Yo, ho, ho.
- Cooee.
- Ah.
My dear Millicent, come for her dinner.
And she seems to have brought
the fish course with her.
Who, my dear, is the huge halibut in the trousers?
I think it's me.
- This is Ralph, he's my fianc.
- We're in love.
Oh, dear.
Ill-conceived love, I should warn you,
is like a Christmas cracker.
One massively disappointing bang
and the novelty soon wears off.
Shut up.
Oh, Mr Blackadder, what's happened?
You've changed from the nicest man in England
into the horridest man in the world.
I was thinking the same thing myself.
When spoken to.
I would explain,
but I fear you wouldn't understand,
being blessed with a head
emptier than a hermit's address book.
As for you, can you keep my goddaughter
in the manner to which she is accustomed?
Oh, yes, absolutely.
Oh, splendid!
Congratulations. Good day.
Out!
Baldrick, I want you to take this
and buy a turkey so large
you'd think its mother
had been rogered by an omnibus.
I'm going to have a party,
and no one's invited but me.
- Cooee!
- No peace for the wicked.
Mr Ebenezer, I was wondering if you
had perhaps a little present for me.
for Tiny Tom's Christmas.
Mrs Scratchit, and more than a little.
As for Tiny Tom's Christmas,
he can stuff it up his enormous
muscular backside.
- But he's a cripple.
- He's not.
Occasionally saying, "Phew, my leg hurts"
when he remembers to wouldn't fool Baldrick.
It did, actually.
However, if you want
something for lunch, take this.
It's a pound a lump and, as luck
would have it, there are 17 lumps.
- Thank you.
- What about my Tiny Tom?
If I was you I'd scoop him out
and use him as a houseboat. Good day.
Mr B, where's the milk of human kindness?
It's gone off, Baldrick. It stinks.
Whoever that is, slam the door in their faces,
otherwise I'll slam your face in the door.
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"Blackadder's Christmas Carol" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 1 Sep. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/blackadder's_christmas_carol_4216>.
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