Bluebeard's Eighth Wife

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1

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

There is something

we could show you?

Pajamas. Will you be so

good as to step this way?

May I call monsieur's

attention to the fact

we are featuring a special

sale at reduced prices

of raincoats, umbrellas, tennis

racquets and portable phonographs.

I want some pajamas.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

May I interest monsieur

in a new men's perfume?

In these days of greater

equality between the sexes,

perfume should not be the

privilege of ladies only.

It is the contention of our

management that the man who smells

is a thing of the future.

You ought to go along way.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Service, Mr. Lelong.

Pajamas, size 42.

Thank you, monsieur.

Monsieur interested in neckwear?

A very becoming tie, monsieur.

We have the same

in maroon, dark green,

orange, blue, and a

very discreet pink.

Perhaps monsieur

would prefer a bow tie?

No, thanks.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Not even in Paris could monsieur

find a wider selection.

(CLEARING THROAT) I'll take this one.

How much?

200 francs.

Here's 100.

I just want the tops.

What?

I don't want the

pants, just the tops.

Oh, I'm very sorry, monsieur, but we don't

sell the jackets without the pantalon.

But I don't sleep in pantalon,

and I don't buy

stuff I don't use.

What monsieur wants

is a nightshirt.

No, I don't want a nightshirt.

Take the 100 francs

and wrap it up.

Why, it's a case

without precedent.

We have no authority.

I've had this argument

all over the world.

If it's a question of price,

monsieur, there are cheaper pajamas.

It's not a question of price,

it's a matter of principle.

This pajama business is a racket,

and I don't fall for it.

90% of the male population

don't sleep in pajama pants,

don't want pajama pants,

yet buy pajama pants.

Be honest. How about you?

I'm an exceptional case, monsieur.

I sleep with just a muffler.

And I, for my part,

sleep with...

Never mind. Do I get

the coat or don't I?

This is a revolutionary

request, monsieur.

I must consult my superior.

Just one moment.

(INAUDIBLE)

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Residence of monsieur de la Coste.

Very well, monsieur.

They're calling from

your store, monsieur.

Monsieur the Vice President wishes

to speak to Monsieur the President

on a very important matter.

Yes, what is it? What?

Oh, no, no. Never, never.

Why, that is communism.

Can't you sell him anything else?

What about a straw hat?

Monsieur, the management feels

that to sell a pair of pajamas

without the trousers

would create a precedent,

and the consequences

might prove disastrous.

Now, our president

says we've had

enough trouble in

Europe as it is,

and he wonders if you

would be kind enough

to look at a selection

of straw hats?

You tell your president

that if I can't buy

pajamas without

the trousers, I'll...

I'll buy the trousers.

Yes, I may buy the trousers.

How do you do?

How do you do, madame?

How do you do, madame?

How do you do?

I'm looking for pajamas

for a gentleman,

and for his purpose

the trousers are enough.

SALESMAN:
A very

fortunate solution.

Yes, it certainly is.

Provided we can agree on the color

and the pattern, of course.

Well, how about this blue pair?

Oh, heavens, no. It's too dark.

I like to see something gay

in the morning, don't you?

Not too darned gay. There's not

a laugh in me before breakfast.

Oh, you should try to

brighten up your life.

Now, let's see.

How about this one?

Stripes? I hate stripes.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, now, that's funny. When I was

standing at the other counter,

I was watching you. You were?

Oh, I hope you don't mind.

Not a bit.

Well, I said to myself, now if I had

to select pajamas for that gentleman,

what would I choose?

And let me tell you, if ever there

was a stripey type, it's you.

(GIGGLING)

(MUMBLING)

Why don't you try it on?

All right.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

What do you think? Stunning.

These things are so loud

I'd hear them in the dark.

I have enough trouble

getting to sleep.

(EXCLAIMS) You don't look

like a martyr to insomnia.

Really. It's no joke.

I don't sleep well.

Well, surely you can't

blame it on the pajamas.

I guess you're right.

It's probably the climate.

Now, don't blame it on the Riviera.

I resent that.

We have the best climate in the world

here, and we're very proud of it.

I'm sorry, I don't want to hurt

your feelings, but I don't sleep.

Maybe you should see a doctor.

(SIGHS) By the way, how

many pillows do you use?

None.

Did you ever try putting two

pillows under your feet?

No. Don't do it. It's very bad.

Oh, do you know

what might help you?

The method of

Professor Urganzeff.

What's that?

Well, you take a long word,

like "Czechoslovakia"

for instance,

and you spell it backwards.

I can't even spell it forward.

Oh, you should try it just once.

As you spell it backwards, you stretch

and yawn between each letter.

(GASPS) You'll drift

off in no time.

Sounds swell.

You'll take the stripes?

I'll take the stripes.

All right, I'll take the coat.

And I'll take the trousers.

How shall we divide the charges?

Well, that should be simple.

The whole pajamas cost...

200 francs. Well, 50-50.

Oh, that's not fair. You

should pay more for the coat.

But there's more

material in the pants.

But don't forget I threw

in Professor Urganzeff.

Oh, about this "Czechoslovakia."

When do I do it?

You go to bed and turn out the

lights, and then you start.

Oh, it's wonderful and so easy.

A-I-K...

(MOANING)

You only have to

worry about "Slovakia."

By the time you reach

"Czech" you're fast asleep.

All right, I'll pay 125.

Very well, monsieur.

That makes 125 for monsieur,

and 75 francs for madame.

Will you be so kind as to

pay cashier number nine?

Right here, please.

You will receive your packages

at the adjoining counter.

Thank you.

It must be pretty

nice for a husband

to have a wife who picks

up bargains for him.

Kind of restores

your faith in marriage.

I'm sorry to shatter

your illusions.

I'm not buying these

trousers for a husband.

(EXCLAIMS)

Well, you see, madame...

Or is it mademoiselle?

It's kind of

tough for a foreigner.

Sometimes you say madame

when it's mademoiselle,

and sometimes you

say mademoiselle...

Now, look here,

I think I can help you.

You want to know if I'm married?

Yes. I'm not.

(EXCLAIMS) Well, I'm a

pretty tall man, you know.

(LAUGHS) Oh, so I see.

Well, it's kind of

hard to believe that

someone who is

as little and as dainty

and, as you French say,

as petite as you

could have such a big brother.

I have no brother.

Well, don't tell me you're buying

those pajamas for yourself.

After all, I'm 6'3".

(LAUGHS) There are other

tall men in the world.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Goodbye, monsieur.

Goodbye, mademoiselle. Goodbye.

Make it snappy, will you?

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Tell me, who was that lady?

Oh, she's very charming,

isn't she, monsieur?

Well, I know that,

but who is she?

The story writes

itself, doesn't it?

What do you mean?

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