Born Romantic

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So I get Invlted to thls college reunlon.

It was a fucklng crche.

Everyone married or divorced, pissed.

Crying their eyes out

about their love lives and things.

Someone's got all these

old photographs of us.

I get this one. Have a look.

Maureen Docherty, my first girlfriend.

Little Mo Docherty.

I get this huge pang.

Suddenly it becomes clear.

I still love her.

I'm off my head, which helps, but...

Very lovable.

I ask a few questions, find out

where she is. Someone says London.

Here I am. Going to find her,

phone her up and marry her.

Frankly, I'm not getting any younger, am I?

That simple, is it?

Not really, no.

I jilted her.

Sort of.

She'll be looking forward

to seeing you then.

- Turn that off. It's driving me nuts.

- That's my theme tune, man.

- Did you remember the chloroform?

- What am I?

Let's see it. Come on, let's see it.

Have a whiff of that, bastard.

What the f*** are you doing?

Pick it up! Jesus!

It rolled under the seat.

You shoved it out of my hand, you twat.

Open your window, will you?

I can feel it. It's your side.

You got it? It's your side.

Cab to Wapping, please.

That guy'll take you in a few minutes.

If you want to take a seat.

Kismet cabs. We do.

Fine, we go there.

Telephone number?

All right, I'll send one round. Bye.

- What is a misogynist?

- You.

I know that, but what does it mean?

A man who hates women.

A misogamist is someone

who hates marriage.

A misanthrope hates everybody else.

And a malcontent is just never happy.

A man who hates women?

I don't hate women.

Who called you that?

Someone call you that?

Yeah.

- The one with the overbite?

- She's just got a big chin.

- The jowly one from Gypsy Hill?

- She ain't jowly, mate.

Funny thing is, there isn't

an equivalent word for misogynist.

There isn't a word

for women who hate men.

Not a specific word like there is for us.

Have you ever heard anyone

say that word?

No.

As if women can't be sexist.

I respect women.

Don't get me wrong, so do I.

Aye, aye.

Furry triangles. 9:00.

No, what did you say?

You didn't?

No, you didn't?

Touch. Listen, I better go.

Bye. See you.

Do we dance or what? It was your idea.

Is it like a tango?

Suzy's phone. It's salsa.

Hello, darling. How are you?

Thursday? Yeah, could do.

Who? Is he?

All right. Listen, I'd better go.

Bye. See you.

Salsa? Don't answer that.

Suzy's phone. Hello, Steve...

Here we go.

- Ray!

- Sorry, man. Where?

Go, man. Go.

Sh*t! Come on!

You're joking!

Ray! You little prick!

Good style.

Forwards again.

She did actually. She just rang.

Can I ring you back?

I'm on a date.

He does actually.

Switch it off.

Don't do it. Don't answer it, Suzy.

Don't answer it. Don't!

Suzy's phone.

It's Cath, you'll never guess who...

How are you doing? What's going on?

Sh*t.

Me? No, I'm just watching.

You'll never learn if you don't try.

- It's my neck, you see.

- Sorry.

Mo!

What are you doing later?

Must be someone here

you haven't slept with.

You're right.

I've slept with all three of you.

And you were all fantastic.

Except one.

The problem with the neck is

it directs the main sensory organs.

So you twisted your neck?

Although, having said that, we have less

need for a neck than most other animals.

We live by our hands more than our ears.

On the other hand, our highly developed

stereoscopic vision requires a mobile neck.

Did you know that

the human embryo has gills?

We start out with gills. All of us.

Thanks for the dance.

One, two, three...

So you chucked the band in just like that?

- Will this be all right here?

- Yeah.

You think you'll just bump into her

in London?

You know, make a few calls.

Made a list of all her favorite things,

a list of her mates and stuff.

She liked bloody marys.

That'll help.

And roller-skating.

- This is eight years ago, right?

- And the Elgin Marbles, British Museum.

So you might find her roller-skating round

the Elgin Marbles, drinking a bloody mary.

You never know, do you?

You're quite a wiz at the old salsa.

Sorry, you're not my usual type.

What's your usual type then?

Tall, dark, handsome.

I'm sorry, but I usually go for

symmetrical faces, and...

No offence,

but you don't have a symmetrical face...

...and I don't have time to waste.

Do you want to share a taxi?

- Are you going north?

- West. Not far.

- I'm northwest.

- I'm southwest.

- I'm sort of south of northwest.

- You really do fancy me, don't you?

- You going to stay for the close?

- I'm not sure.

Should have seen the dance teacher.

I've got her phone number here.

Dark, South Amerlcan, probably.

Sex on legs.

I tell you what, we need another MO.

That stuff's f***ing dangerous.

What the hell is

"an absentee grave-tender"?

Can you hold one sec? Thank you.

Kismet Cabs.

So, what do you do?

I restore paintings at the Institute.

I run an "easy listening" place.

Very small, select.

I'm bisexual.

That's okay. So am I.

I'm not really.

Just thought I should say that.

Seems that every woman

I meet these days is bisexual.

I'm amazed the price of courgettes

hasn't gone through the roof.

My ex-wife was bisexual.

They say that Dean Martin was bisexual.

I don't believe that.

Vic Damone, maybe...

You take the first cab.

Right.

Good night?

Bit of a drink, bit of a dance, the usual.

No decent men there then?

Decent men? Are you trying to be funny?

There is a theory that it's just smell.

You're unconsciously drawn

to someone else 'cause of their smell.

It registers in your subconscious.

So, I'm just waiting for the right smell?

I know. It's just a theory.

Do you want to come up,

have a drink? Whatever.

- Whatever?

- Okay, a shag then.

Married.

What she doesn't know won't hurt her.

It'll hurt me.

- Are you in?

- Will you piss off, Frankie?

Think I'm made of money?

There's radiators on all over the place.

Will you close the f***ing door?

All right, pal?

Mo Docherty!

What are you doing, Fergus?

There are other ways of getting in touch.

Come inside. You need some sleep.

Loved Ones, Ltd., how can I help?

That doesn't happen to be the sexy dance

teacher from the salsa club by any chance?

Sorry, who's this?

This is the extra man from last night.

I just wanted to tell you that you dance

the sexiest salsa I've ever seen.

Well, thanks.

I'm not that good, but thanks very much.

I'm new to it actually.

Could've fooled me.

Listen, I found a purse outside the club...

...I think it may belong to you.

My purse! You found my purse?

That's fantastlc, thank you.

Any chance we can meet up

and I'll give you it back?

That would be great.

Thanks. When?

Kitchen's mine between 8:00 and 9:00.

I need an espresso, honey.

And my bedroom's off limits.

We both have to live here

until we sell the place, okay?

We'll never sell it, it's sinking. It's f***ed.

Now a broad with any class

would never use that type of language.

Abroad's where you go on holiday.

- Why don't you move in with the mook?

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