Bottom Live: The Big Number 2 Tour Page #10

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EDDIE:

Oh yeah? Which piece, the insane half or the useless bit?

RICHIE:

Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-oooh. Sounds like you’re cruising for one of my “looks”, young man.

(Eddie covertly makes a wanker sign in response behind his leg.)

EDDIE:

Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh. Sounds like you’re a complete wanker, but what’s new?

RICHIE:

Right, that’s it, you’ve overstepped the unwritten… thing. Mark. Eddie. F*** it. Here it comes.

(Richie gurns a particularly cross-eyed face, before walking over to Eddie, and gurning right up close. Richie “pulls” his normal face back on. Immediately afterwards, a horrifying scream of utter agony can be heard. Richie looks disturbed.)

RICHIE:

What was that?

EDDIE:

What was what?

RICHIE:

That terrifying, blood-curdling scream that would make any decent christian fill his trousers with whiff juice.

EDDIE:

Oh that?

RICHIE:

Yes.

EDDIE:

That’s just Jeffrey doing his rounds.

RICHIE:

Jeffrey?

EDDIE:

Jeffrey the Psychopathic Penis Remover.

(Richie laughs pleasantly, having remembered the name.)

RICHIE:

What’s he in for?

EDDIE:

Removing penises!

(Richie laughs humbly, twirling his finger around his head.)

RICHIE:

D’oooooooh! How many?

EDDIE:

342

SCREAMING MAN (OFF-SCREEN):

NO! NO! PLEASE! DON’T DO THAT!

(More screaming, and then a particularly painful crunching sound of genitals getting mutilated. Richie holds his own bollocks in shock. After the penis removal, all that’s left is the agonized sobs of the poor soul who just became an unwilling eunuch.)

EDDIE:

343. He’s working E-wing.

RICHIE:

Oh, WHAT? E-wing!?

EDDIE:

Yeah.

RICHIE:

Eddie! But we’re on E-wing.

EDDIE:

(Giggling) I know.

RICHIE:

Eddie! We are on E-wing!

EDDIE:

(Laughing) I know!

RICHIE:

EDDIE! WE ARE ON E-WING-UH!

(Eddie is in full fits of laughter at this point.)

EDDIE:

I know.

RICHIE:

Why aren’t you scared!?

EDDIE:

Because, Richie, my brain simply doesn’t work that fast.

RICHIE:

Oh.

(Eddie starts looking increasingly alarmed.)

EDDIE:

Hang on. Yep, here it comes.

(Eddie grabs hold of his bollocks in terror and screams.)

RICHIE:

Right! Right, that’s it, come on, Eddie, we’ve got to get out of here.

EDDIE:

Right you are.

RICHIE:

Right, come on.

(Richie tries to open the door, but searches for the handle.)

RICHIE:

Where’s the door handle? Oh, piss, i’ve eaten it.

(Richie opens the viewing hatch on the cell door.)

RICHIE:

Waiter! WAITEEEEER! Waiter, the bill please, Eddie’s paying, after all, i only had the cabbage soup.

EDDIE:

What do you mean, we haven’t had lunch yet?

(Richie grabs his stomach, with a pained look on his face.)

RICHIE:

Oh my god! I’ve eaten the contents of the slop bucket! Oh, what foul degradation. Eddie, i thought you said you’d slopped out.

EDDIE:

Yeah, of course i’ve “slopped out.” Didn’t think you were talking about the bucket.

RICHIE:

Oh, god, there was me sitting in the bottom bunk thinking there was a leak in the ceiling. Oh god, i’m probably pregnant now.

(Another pained scream. The screaming gets progressively quieter, down to a few short whimpers, before…)

SCREAMING MAN #2:

My knob.

(Eddie closes the hatch.)

RICHIE AND EDDIE:

344.

(Richie starts to panic.)

RICHIE:

I can’t take much more of this, Eddie. I can’t take much, i’m going crazy, i tell you, crazy! Look.

(Richie babbles right next to Eddie.)

RICHIE:

Eddie!

(Richie babbles again.)

RICHIE:

I can’t take it, i’m going crazy.

EDDIE:

OH, CALM DOWN!

(Eddie slaps Richie.)

EDDIE:

CALM DOWN! CALM…!

(Eddie starts slapping Richie over and over again, before spinning him around and graduating to a punch. He punches Richie over and over again, getting increasingly faster. Eventually, Eddie swings his fist down to whack Richie in the bollocks. Richie falls to the floor. Eddie positions himself, and then starts kicking Richie in the head over and over again. While kicking Richie, Eddie throws his hands up into the air in celebration, and grinning to the audience. He leaves an unconscious Richie, and walks to the door, opening the hatch.)

EDDIE:

Anyone got a cricket bat out there?

(A cricket bat is passed into the cell via the hatch, and Eddie takes it. Eddie gives it a good polishing with his arm, swings it to test it out, and walks back over to Richie. He nudges Richies leg to one side, and gets ready to hit a home run. Before attempting it, he marks out the spot with the bat. Finally, he swings, and Richie wakes up with a start.)

RICHIE:

HA HA! Missed BOTH my legs!

(Eddie knocks Richie back out with a swift blow to the head. Eddie realizes he’s onto something here, and laughs sneakily. He then does the “Bollock/face” combo again. Then for a third time, fourth time, fifth, and finally sixth. Finally finished, Eddie walks back over to the door.)

EDDIE:

Lovely bat, Brian.

(Eddie passes it back through the door, and closes the hatch. He wipes his hands off)

EDDIE:

There we are, Rich. Rich…?

(Richie doesn’t wake up.)

EDDIE:

Richie, Richie, Richie, Richie, Richie, Richie? Wanker?

(Eddie starts to get a bit worried.)

EDDIE:

RICH!? Ohh. Well, he’s calmer.

(Richie slowly, and groggily comes to. Eddie is taken aback.)

RICHIE:

(Childlike) Where am i? What place is this? What time of man?

EDDIE:

(Solemnly) You’re in prison, mate.

(Richie bolts upright onto his feet.)

RICHIE:

WHAT? STILL??? Oh, Eddie, i’m going crazy, i tell you, crazy!

EDDIE:

Right-o, bit more.

(Eddie rolls up his sleeves.)

RICHIE:

Oh, no, no, Eddie, i’ve just this second come to terms with my predicament.

EDDIE:

Oh, Sh*t!

RICHIE:

Please, just don’t punch me.

EDDIE:

Oh, right you are.

(Eddie kicks Richie in the bollocks.)

EDDIE:

You didn’t say anything about a kick in the knackers.

RICHIE:

That’s because i didn’t f***ing want one!

(Richie sorely stands back upright from his attack, grunting in pain.)

RICHIE:

Ah, ooh, i hurt all over.

(Richie prods everywhere on his body, and grunts in pain. Eventually he gets to his knackers and the grunt of pain turns into a grunt of arousal, as he gurns lecherously at the audience. Suddenly, the door knocks.)

RICHIE:

Ooh, open the door, (???), come on, Eddie, you’re from serving stock, you know how doors work.

(Eddie walks over to the door, and opens the hatch.)

EDDIE:

Hello.

(He gasps in panic as he sees who’s at the door. He quickly closes the hatch.)

RICHIE:

Who is it?

EDDIE:

IT’S JEFFREY!

(Richie gasps in horror, and a very loud fart can be heard reverberating around the small cell, as both Richie and Eddie sh*t themselves in terror.)

RICHIE:

Oh god!

(The door knocks again.)

EDDIE:

Oh god!

(Eddie empties his trousers out into the bin. Richie opens the hatch, hiding from view.)

RICHIE:

There’s nobody in!

(He closes the hatch again.)

RICHIE AND EDDIE:

That was really f***ing stupid.

(Richie has an idea, and opens the hatch again.)

RICHIE:

This is an answering machine.

(Eddie grins at Richie and gives him the thumbs up.)

RICHIE:

If you would like to speak to, er, Mr Huge Vicious McSadistic O’Nasty, or his vicious rottweiler.

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