Breakin' All the Rules Page #2

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half-naked picture of herself. Just evil.

- I gave her everything but my soul.

- And I bet they want that too.

- Just greedy.

- Don't give it to them.

All you gotta do is pretend

to give it to them.

Why do I have to pretend?

Why can't I just be me?

Nobody finds pathetic charming.

Was that cheese? Okay, look,

I'm sorry about Helen, okay?

But you got to pull yourself

together, bro.

- I been writing.

- You been writing?

Letters to Helen. A few letters.

How many letters, Q?

- I could not get the right tone.

- No, how many letters?

I just kept obsessing over the way

she left me and what she told me.

Then it came to me, with my

employee-termination research...

...that if Helen was my boss,

then the way she fired me was bad...

...bad in every way. Public humiliation,

conflicting messages, horrific timing.

Oh, yeah, I wrote a letter.

I wrote a letter detailing the disgust

I have at her method and technique.

Her method and her technique

for dumping you?

- Exactly.

- Oh, okay, man. Where is this letter?

- I'm calling your mom.

- Wait.

No, that is a scream for help.

I'm calling your mother.

It started out as a letter,

then it evolved into a manual.

A manual on how to break up

with a lover...

...based on psychological and

employee-termination research.

You're telling me you don't find

any of this strange?

What's strange, huh?

What's strange about it?

When you break up with somebody,

and firing somebody's the same...

...you wanna do it the easiest way

without producing a stalker.

- I call it The Plan.

- The Plan?

The Plan. It is brilliant.

You got a table of contents?

I don't believe him.

"Committed or committable?

Time to kill.

Location, location."

Why break up at her place?

You control the duration of the

breakup, leave when you want.

A person can follow you if you're

at a bar, restaurant or hotel.

But ain't nobody leaving

their own apartment.

- And the answering machine?

- Change the outgoing message...

...to the mechanical one because a

breakup-ee will call the breakup-er...

...just to hear their voice

and then hang up.

And what that does, it creates a cycle

of emotional desperation...

...especially if the message says,

"I'm not here. I'm in Paris..."

You see, to me, falling in love

is blissful insanity.

But breaking up,

that's a rational act.

Now, how do we improve upon that

rational act? We do it through science.

What were you planning on

doing with this?

I'm...

I got a betty I been seeing

for three months.

Chapter 6. Yeah.

What's...? Capricorn?

- Aries.

- Oh, yeah.

You wanna take this

on a field test.

Quincy? We're gonna be rich, bro.

We are gonna be so incredibly rich.

Hiw ti dress. Hiw ti act.

What ti wear. What nit ti wear.

All I've dine is just research

and realize that yiu can break up...

...but imprive in it by the science.

- That's my boyfriend's cousin there.

- Who's that, honey?

The guy on TV, talking about

the book he wrote on how to break up.

Not exactly leading us out of the Dark

Ages, is he? He's kind of cute, though.

- What's he like?

- I don't know. I never met him.

- But I know he is one lonely puppy.

- Why do you say that?

What woman would go out with a guy

whose expertise is dumping people?

You got a point. Okay, here we go.

What's yiur live life like?

- Are yiu seeing anyine?

- Give me a secind.

So, what do you want me to do?

Something drastic. I've been

seeing Evan for three months...

...and I really like him,

but he's getting a bit twitchy.

You know how the fine ones are.

I think I need to shock him.

I need to shock myself.

I had that dream again.

- The one with the straps?

- No. The one with Halle Berry.

- So...

- Dreaming of Halle before a haircut...

...is as clear a sign you're

gonna get in this lifetime.

How does it feel to be in the building

as an author and not a slave?

- I can wait by Philip's office.

- I don't want you to be lonely.

- Lonely?

- You gotta get out more...

...because it's depressing

seeing you.

A fan wrote me a letter,

said I was arrogant.

No, no. Let me tell you something.

You have supplied...

...a humanitarian service to the world.

- No.

No, listen to me.

You should feel good about that.

How is anybody gonna find

their one true love...

...when they're stuck in a bunch of

dead-end relationships? Quincy...

...you are a love enabler.

- I just need somebody normal.

Oh, see, there you go. There are no

normal relationships. You know why?

Because there are no

normal women.

You know what? A girl came to

my crib. Never seen her before.

- Says that she dug the book.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait. A groupie.

Oh, my boy had his first groupie.

Groupies are there to please, okay.

They're there to do whatever,

whenever, however you want, kid.

- I couldn't close the deal.

- Oh, Q! Don't tell me that, man.

Do you know what I'd do

to get with a groupie?

If it happens again,

you can pretend you're me.

I'm gonna do that. I gotta meet up with

Nicky later. You wanna check her out?

- Nope. How many weeks she got left?

- Technically, her time's almost up.

- But she's a little freaky. So...

- You like her.

- No.

- You gazed into just midair.

- No, I...

- When you like people, you gaze.

All right, you know what it is? She has

this long, black, thick, sexy, sexy hair.

- Just got the weirdest pain in my nuts.

- I don't want to be staring at that.

Anyway, you'd like her, Q. She does

physical therapy at the hospital.

- You know, she's bright.

- Mulatto?

- No, no. A little cinnamon.

- Okay. Bright like smart.

Yeah, bright like smart. She's tough.

She has body and that long,

long, black hair.

Oh, sh*t, there it is again.

Boy, you are too old

to be having the crabs.

You been putting that where

you ain't supposed to?

It's a very social organ, but...

- Yo.

- He's ready fir yiu.

Okay. All I'm saying is that

one day a girl's gonna dump you...

...before you dump her. It's gonna

have you very Eric Benet: sensitive.

- Don't jinx me.

- I'm not jinxing you.

She's gonna hide things from you.

The next thing you know, she's gonna

give you those fatal words:

"Baby, I think we need to talk."

- Respond to the door.

- Okay, fine. I'm out.

- Twist it, respond, out.

- Need something from the clinic?

- Hey.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- Author, author. Good to see you.

- King Author, baby. King Author.

- What's cracking?

- Well, yeah.

- Ready to do the second printing?

- Let's get cracking.

- Publishing boys treating you right?

- Pretty decent.

That book is just

the beginning too.

I'm seeing the whole line now

of Spiil books.

Spiil's Guide ti Sex.

Spiil's Guide ti Gilf.

- Spiil's Guide ti Pimping.

- I'm branding the whole damn world.

- Yeah.

- Okay.

Guess you're wondering why

I asked you up here.

- Yeah, why am I here?

- Okay, just... Why don't you sit.

Let me just put it right out on the table.

I need your help.

- With what?

- Firing somebody.

Which is not the right word. More

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