Breakin' All the Rules Page #4

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Do l...? Do I know why?

One second.

- So you read my book?

- I'm familiar with it.

I'm also familiar with the fact

that you plan...

...on giving my Philip

breakup pointers.

Not a very good idea.

I'm completely...

Everyone has a job, and mine is

to become Mrs. Philip Gascon.

I'm sorry. You were saying?

I'm saying that I think we need to

work some things out.

One professional to another.

- Professional?

- Don't be under any illusions.

It's not all love.

It's not love.

I think I understand now.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I wasn't expecting you to be so...

- What? So honest?

- Straightforward.

There's no need for us to work

against each other on this.

- You wanna talk compensation?

- Wow. Very direct.

- Was I too fast for you?

- No. I'm just used to placating...

...scared little rabbits, you know?

I'm not used to doing business

with a real man.

I need to find an ATM.

Oh, what the hell?

- Look at the town drunk.

- Where am I?

You're in my living room. What kind

of man corrupts another man's dog?

- You see a woman around?

- You that freaky...

...you need help

to get a dog drunk?

What you do to the dog?

I'm gonna report you.

It's not your dog,

it's your ex's.

If Helen came home now and saw

an alcoholic pug, what would she say?

You can't let pugs drink,

they're not rottweilers.

- They got little-bitty kidneys.

- Helen's not coming back.

It ain't about Helen.

No. And it's definitely not

about the dog.

I don't know what kind of freaky stuff...

You got my drawers on?

Mr. Lynch, I've told you...

...don't take your clothes off

for therapy.

Hold my dick.

Okay. I'll come back

when you get dressed.

Dr. Jacibs, call 2035.

Evan called.

One o'clock, your place.

A little afternoon delight?

Oh, he's so romantic.

You guys are the reason I date.

He thinks I'm breaking up with him.

He's freaking out.

- Are you?

- No, or I wasn't.

Then I went on a date with Quincy,

who thinks I'm Mary.

And found out that if true,

Evan is Satan.

Not that Quincy's reliable,

given he lied about...

...what he does or did

in writing that book.

But he did seem sincere, and there's

the craziest freaking attraction that's...

Oh, God.

So I guess the answer's yes.

- Yes, what?

- I'm dumping Evan's ass for lunch.

- Hey.

- You're late.

- What are we doing way out here?

- Spies.

I don't think you fully realize the

seriousness of the situation I'm in.

I got techniques for you so good you

will never worry about this girl again.

Now, what's the plan?

Early supper, maybe a DVD

back at my place.

Can we get the DVD at her place?

- Her place. Now, what do I say?

- Nothing.

- Nothing?

- It's what you do.

- Well, what do I do?

- You sulk.

Pardon?

And then eventually,

she will ask you...

- What's wrong?

- Then you will respond by saying...

...nothing. Come on, come on.

- Honey, something must be wrong.

- No, nothing.

- Something is obviously wrong.

- No, it's nothing.

Tell me.

Please tell me what's bothering you.

Now you got her. She's desperate.

Hit her right between the eyes.

Well, if you must know,

I wanna break up.

Wait a second. Just like that?

I call it the passive-aggressive

bullet to the head.

She feels responsible.

Then eventually, she'll squeak out,

"But why?"

And then you just look right in her

eyes and say, "Hey, I don't love you."

And then you bounce.

Wow. Well, it sounds a bit cruel.

It's less cruel than a bad relationship.

Now, I'm gonna give you these.

Okay? That reminds you who you are.

You're hard metal. You're steel.

I still don't know why we

couldn't go to your place.

I like the smell of new paint.

- Drink?

- No, thank you.

You look like you

swallowed a spider.

I didn't just swallow a spider.

- A rat?

- No.

- Wanna know what it is?

- What you swallowed?

- Why I am sulking?

- It just looks like you're constipated.

No. I explained to you

that I was sulking.

Because you're constipated.

- When was the last movement?

- It's not about that.

- You want to know what it's about?

- No.

- Well, why not?

- Because you look so cute.

There's something on my mind.

Something you should know.

Philip, rub my leg. I have a cramp.

Don't you wanna know

what's on my mind?

Rub my leg first.

Higher.

Higher.

What's on your mind, big boy?

Let's go.

It's open.

- You cut your hair.

- I know.

No, but I mean, like,

you really cut your hair.

I mean, you look like that actress.

- Halle Berry.

- No, not Halle Berry, please. No.

The actress in that movie

about the crack addicts.

- That's who you look like.

- Like a crackhead?

It doesn't matter,

because, you know...

...that's one hell of a cut.

- So, what, you like it?

No, I hate it. That's good.

It makes it so much easier.

- I wanna break up.

- What?

Yeah. "What?" I wanna break up.

You can't break up with me. I'm

supposed to break up with your ass.

Well...

Apparently not.

This is so unfair. This is so completely

like you, just totally contrary.

Okay, but why you yelling? Because

you wanted to break up with me.

Yesterday you wanted to have

"the talk." Remember?

I didn't want to break up.

You thought I did.

Oh, no. No, no.

Okay. I saw the sulk.

- You were sulking when I came in.

- That wasn't a sulk.

It was too a sulk.

Your forehead looked like a walnut.

- I saw it.

- Okay, today, I was sulking.

- Yesterday, total misread.

- Today, today. What?

- About the talking.

- So why'd you cut the hair?

- To keep you, dumb-ass.

- This is too confusing. I'm out.

Be gone, nigga. I don't care.

Who's keeping you?

You're real indignant,

considering you stood me up.

I did not.

You stood me up.

It's good. I'm leaving.

But you stood me up.

You practically forced me to go out

on a date with another guy.

What?

Yeah.

- What other guy?

- Whoever I was out with, obviously.

- Where'd you go?

- Where we were at.

Now you fronting.

You a comedian now?

It's good, because I'm up out of here.

How long you been seeing this guy?

You know what? That's no longer

any of your business, now, is it?

- Did you do it?

- No, not really.

- You're still together?

- No, he dumped me.

He dumped you? Wow.

- He's good.

- Too good.

It doesn't make sense.

You were perfect.

- You should get married.

- It makes perfect sense.

His best friend shows up,

acts like he doesn't know who I am.

Talks smack about Evan to get me

all angry, knows all these great lines...

...and then lies about what he does.

"And what does he do?" you ask. He

masterminds breakups. It's obvious.

- It is?

- They did the old bait and switch.

Evan handed me off

to Quincy, like:

"I'd slap that ass.

You give it a try."

No. What are you gonna do about it?

Quincy doesn't know that I know.

He doesn't see that I see

the connection with Evan.

That I know about

that stupid book he wrote.

That's fine and dandy.

I'll keep our little date tonight.

Take him down the old romance path.

When he leans in to kiss me, that

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