Breakin' All the Rules Page #5

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first awkward kiss of the evening...

- Yeah.

...I pull back and laugh.

I'll dump his ass so hard

he'll be using a walker.

What?

- It sounds a little childish.

- It is not.

Okay. Maybe Evan will realize

how much he's in love with you...

...and then you can suggest

couple's counseling or...

It's time for my rounds.

We'll talk later.

Lay back, Mr. Lynch.

Q.

- What you doing here?

- Just helping Philip.

Forget about Philip.

Your boy got problems.

- I know that.

- You ready for this?

- I'm in love.

- That's what you said.

No, no. That was lust.

That was just bump and grinding...

...talking-dirty-while-

I'm-spanking-that-ass lust. This...

- This is love. It's Nicky.

- Right.

- I broke up with her today.

- Strange way to show your love.

I wasn't in love with her

when I did it, okay? At least...

...I didn't think I was.

Was I in love with her when I did it?

No. It wasn't until she told me she was

seeing another guy. That's what it is.

- That's jealousy. That ain't love.

- Think so?

Of course it's jealousy,

that's what I'm saying.

Why would I be jealous

if I wasn't in love?

- Because we trip like that sometimes.

- I think I made a big mistake.

I don't know what to do.

What you think I should do?

Buy her something.

Diamond rings, clothes.

- Here we go. You're no help.

- Credit card.

I need to find the dude,

stick my foot up his ass.

He might be big.

Might whup your ass.

You know, if it wasn't for

that stupid haircut that she had...

- She cut her hair?

- Cut her hair. Can you believe...?

Women know that's an

aggressive act towards men.

Women cut their hair, it's aggression.

She aggressed me.

- No long hair?

- No long hair.

Thinks she look like Halle Berry.

Come on.

Halle Be...

You know, it's...

- What's wrong with you?

- Nothing. I was bubbling.

You know, my stomach is bad.

I ate some of those taquitos...

...that they had out in the front.

No, I need to go.

Where's a...?

I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

Nicky?

So, Mary.

- Is that short for Marilyn?

- No.

Actually, it's not.

So why don't you tell me more

about your job as an editor.

Actually, you know what I'm

trying to do? I'm trying to write a book.

- Like a children's book.

- Of course, a book.

It's called All Digs Leave L.A.

Because they can't get

any attention or any love.

- Where do they go?

- Compton.

Whatever happened to your sleazy

friend and his longhaired girlfriend?

- They broke up.

- How's he taking that?

- Feels like he made a big mistake.

- Does he?

Yeah, they say that honesty

is the most important element in love.

Oh, I don't believe that.

I think it's the most important element

in a relationship, but love...

...doesn't care about it

one way or the other.

What does it care about?

Itself.

Whi the hell di yiu

think yiu are?

We had a deal.

I don't know what crazy game

you think you're playing...

...but yiu're iut if yiur league.

- Gotta be a wrong number.

- Safe word:
rabbit.

- Grow up.

Listen, Mr. Watson, if you want more

than sex, then damn it, just speak up.

But double-dealing? Totally

unacceptable. You call me back.

These things are pinching me.

I swear, I don't know who it is.

They gotta have a wrong number.

- I don't know who it is.

- I'm out.

Some other Quincy.

Yo, wait, baby.

- Look, I swear I don't know who...

- Oh, you swear what?

That you're honest and forthright?

Is that what you swear?

Mostly, yeah.

Get all you need, bro.

Get all you need.

She took the day off. But

if there's anything I could do for you...

- Will she be here tomorrow?

- I don't think so.

I been calling.

She hasn't called back.

- You have the nicest eyes.

- Thanks.

Is there something else I can

help you with? I like your hat.

I'm so confused.

- Me too.

- What should I do, Mr. Lynch?

Love me.

And hold your dick, right?

Okay.

- Is he gone?

- Yep.

- Finally.

- I think he's really, really sorry.

Shouldn't you give him a chance?

- I don't know.

- You two belong together.

How about it?

If you hate this girl so much,

why can't you break up with her?

It's called fear.

Don't get me wrong...

...she has many fine qualities:

beautiful, fun, smart...

But after a point, you get this feeling

of bottomless ruthlessness.

So tell me, you wicked little animal...

...what is Philip offering?

You tell me.

Nothing. Stinko. Zip.

Book payback.

- Book?

- Tit for tat. I can give you tit and tit.

- Philip Gascon?

- But you decide.

You helping Philip break up with me,

or are you helping me marry him?

- Oh, sh*t. Oh, sh*t.

- What is it?

I got a cramp.

- Where?

- It's in my leg.

Well, I'll help you rub it.

- Here?

- Yeah, right there.

That's where the cramp is.

Yiu're nit even listening ti me.

Hello, Philip?

- Where you at?

- Sorry.

Look, if something isn't done soon,

I'll be married.

So why you wanna marry Philip?

Quincy, Quincy, Quincy.

I'm a practical girl.

I was brought up dirt-poor, wrong side

of Toledo, by not a very loving family.

I've put together a life for myself

based on good looks and street savvy.

I figure another five to seven years

to cash in. It's really all quite simple.

I mean, even the book

is theoretical. Just...

Don't fall in love.

That's the main thing.

Don't fall in love. It's dangerous.

Somebody could get hurt.

- Do you love Philip?

- No. I like him.

He's nice.

He's a likable guy.

But women don't love men

they can manipulate.

What about a man

that can manipulate you?

Well, if I find one...

...I'm sure I'll fall in love.

You need to break up with her

in public.

You need to break up with her

in public.

Do it at the post office, airport.

Banks are good.

Where there's security.

But you gotta come on

with the come on.

- You got to be assertive.

- I know, I've gotta be assertive here.

Yeah. Got to get you...

I didn't tell you about the face.

- What?

- You know about the face?

- No.

- The face of immutability.

That's where you drain all the emotion

off your face, like this here:

See? You don't show emotion, hard

for a person to be emotional with you.

This breaks the cycle

of facial expressions.

It gives off pain, anger and hurt.

- Yeah, keep that. Keep that. Keep that.

- Yeah.

Now, when you see her, you act,

you don't wait. You say, "It's over."

Philip.

- What's wrong with you?

- Nothing. I want to break up.

- Excuse me?

- Yeah, I want to break up.

- Here?

- Yes, here.

Why here?

To avoid violence.

In a post office?

Philip, it's not you.

I know you.

- You're a FedEx man.

- Yeah, whatever.

- Well, it's not possible.

- Why not?

- Because we're getting engaged.

- The hell we are.

Look, I thought it all through...

...and it is the best thing to do.

It is the most generous thing to do.

I don't want to be generous.

Honey, I'm being generous,

not you.

Listen, let's face facts, Philip.

You are an aging, boring white guy.

Without me to define you,

you're invisible.

So in good conscience,

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