Brewster's Millions Page #8

nor me win the election.

I wanna ask the question.

- Who's buying the booze?

- You are!

- Who's buying the food?

- You are!

- And who's tryin' to buy your vote?

- You are!

- And who you're gonna vote for?

- None of the above!

- Say it again!

- None of the above!

- Let me hear it one more time!

- None of the above!

Brewster! Brewster! Brewster!

Call it outrageous.

Call it a breath of fresh air.

But what you can no longer

call it is a jok.e campaign.

Eccentric multimillionaire

Montgomery Brewster...

..is electrifying crowds

and is starting to show up in the polls.

All this reporter can say is I hate to

see what he could do if he was serious.

So, what do you wanna talk about?

- Me? Your people called my people.

- Bullshit. Your people moved first.

What's the difference?

We got the same problem.

Brewster.

You heard what he said about us

yesterday. I'll quote it for you.

"Heller and Salvino are both just

a couple of overgrown wharf rats."

"Why else would anybody spend $10

million to get a $60,000-a-year job...

..unless he planned to steal

it back with interest?"

You and I are gonna sue him

for every cent he's got.

That's very good, Heller. Very good.

I called 'em a couple

of overgrown wharf rats...

..and I had to pay 'em $4 million

for the emotional damage it did.

- What do you think of your opponents?

- They're slime. You can quote me.

Don't quote him, please.

Any prediction on the game?

I'm takin' that game more serious

than I am this election.

Can we take anything you say seriously?

It's like the saying: "If bullshit

were money, I'd be a millionaire."

Well, I'm a millionaire.

He didn't mean that.

Don't you dare quote him on that.

You must be so nervous about this

game. You put everything into it.

Not everything, but a lot.

This is my big day.

I'm pitching against the Yankees.

I can get any team out for three innings.

Good afternoon. The New York.

Yank.ee baseball network. is on the air.

We've got a special edition

of Yankee baseball,...

..a special three-inning exhibition game...

..between the New York. Yank.ees

and - are you ready for this? -

the Hack.ensack. Bulls.

I know they're the Yankees. You know

how many years I listened to you guys...

..complaining about

you never get your shot?

Well, today we get our shot.

There's gonna be sports writers there.

Newscasters, TV, radio.

Johnson, you're 26 years old, right?

You got a great glove. Perfect swing.

But if you don't show your stuff

out there, nobody's gonna know it.

Hey, you guys!

Let's go out there and kick a little ass!

And the Hackensack Bulls

take the playing field!

That was a great speech you made.

I know you got something to prove,

but don't try to show these guys up.

Monty looks so tiny. Those Yankees

look so big. Can he get hurt?

Nah. They'll just take his fast balls

and dent some cars in the parkin' lot.

I better move my limousine.

No votes for Brewster!

None of the above!

Hear this crowd go crazy.

That's for Montgomery Brewster.

That financial-world wizard

who came on the scene...

..and continues to thrill and delight

the fans of this stadium.

None of the above! None of the above!

All right! Let's play ball.

- Hackensack Bulls, huh?

- That's the name.

Robby digs in and we're under way.

Monty Brewster peers in at his sign

and kicks in the first pitch.

- Change-up?

- No, that was his fastball.

I guess you'd have to call that

his change-up, hey, Biff?

- Swing on, it's a hotshot.

- Out!

You are out.

Ken Dixon stepping in for the Yanks. Biff?

Dixon's reputation as

a tough competitor is legendary, Vinnie.

Hey, Ken Dixon. It's a pleasure

to be on the same field.

I admire your work. You're a great hitter.

- That pitcher of yours thinks he's cute.

- He sure does.

You had a great season

this year, Mr Dixon.

I saw that game in Boston

back in June, was it?

- Saw that game?

- Yeah, I saw that game.

I tell you. Great game. Two home runs.

A triple. Six RBls. I can't believe...

- ..you didn't make the all-star team.

- I didn't believe it either.

That was a foul ball.

Come on, Monty. Keep it in there.

- Dixon, I saw your wife on television.

- Yeah?

- She sure is an ugly b*tch.

- Thanks.

- Strike three, you're out!

And you shut up. Get outta here.

You shut up. Get outta here.

- You shut up.

- What did I say?

- What happened, man?

- He called my wife an ugly b*tch.

- Snack bar!

- I'm a snack bar? You're an a**hole.

It's a heated exchange. Looks like this

game may have some real spirit after all.

It's all right. Come on.

One word out of you, fat boy,

and you eat your mask.

You won't talk to me

the way you did Dixon.

Can I help it if a guy can't take a joke?

Have you ever seen his wife?

Yeah. Ugly b*tch!

There's a long drive to

deep centre field. Back., back., way back..

Mik.e Scharf with

a brilliant leaping catch.

- Uh-huh?

- Warren Cox. You're expecting me.

Uh, yeah, right. The refund.

Yes. It's $20,000. That's the receipt.

I'm glad to get rid of it. Don't like

having that kind of money around here.

The boss wasn't too happy when he found

out Mr Brewster didn't like the furniture.

Yes, it's a pity, but he has no taste.

By the way, how's the big game coming?

Bulls are ahead one-zip, but

they're starting to hit 'em.

Right.

No, no, no, no, no!

Ken Dixon driving

a grand-slam home run...

..and the Yank.ees lead it four to one.

Listen to that scattered

applause here in Hack.ensack..

Sounds more lik.e a death k.nell.

That is true Yankee baseball

there, my friend.

New York Yankee power has burst

a balloon over Hackensack, New Jersey.

Wouldn't you know that the Bronx

Bombers'd be the bad guys?

Oh, my!

Gotta take you out, kid.

He just got lucky, Monty.

Hey, you did good, Brewster. Real good.

I'm proud of you and all the guys.

What the hell,

this is the New York Yankees.

Play ball!

That was a valiant effort. Your Uncle

Rupert would've been proud of you.

I thought my Uncle Rupert

didn't like losers.

Mr Brewster, I don't think you're a loser.

If it's the money you're worried about,

don't. I only have $38,000 left.

I could spend that tonight in my sleep.

Yes, but it looks like

you could win this election.

The job carries a $60,000 annual salary,...

..which would be considered

an asset by the terms of the will.

OK, here are the final totals. For the

Yankees to win, four runs on four hits...

Wait a minute.

Somethin' might be goin' on.

It looks like Brewster's

gonna address this crowd of folks.

Kill the commercial, fellas.

We're gonna stay right here.

I'd like to take my hat off to the Yankees.

Anybody can inherit millions of dollars

and buy hisself an election,...

..but it takes a real athlete

to be a professional baseball player.

And that's what all these gentlemen

here are today. Real professionals.

See, the election was

supposed to be a joke.

I didn't expect anybody to vote for me.

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