Brewster's Millions

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We got one to go! One out to go!

All right!

OK!

He just saved your ass, Brewster.

Come on, Rudy.

- Foul ball!

- Aw, foul ball!

Aw, you almost had that. I bet

you feel like a big piece of sh*t.

Talk all you want, Porky.

Here we go, Monty. Ready to push.

Throw it in to Porky!

Foul ball!

- It's OK, Rudy.

- You want him to pitch underhand?

- I'm lettin' my bat do my talkin'.

- Oh, the bat's got the brains?

- Play ball.

- I just wanted to figure it out.

I wanna know who's got

the brains in the family.

- Time out!

- Time out?

It's all right. Take it easy,

don't lose your concentration.

A goddamn train's comin'

through the outfield!

There's a guy up there

in the bleachers, front row.

He's got a camera. He's been takin'

pictures of me for the last three games.

- I think he's a scout for the big leagues.

- Monty, this is Hackensack, New Jersey.

No scout comes here, you understand?

A train's goin' through the outfield,

but you strike this guy out,...

..l'll take you with me

tonight and get you drunk.

Two out. Two! Two!

Two out. He makes it three.

Look at him. He's a little rag arm!

Dial up on him, baby.

Knock it a long distance for me.

- Hey, old man. Getting a little tired, huh?

- Get back to T-ball, buddy.

Strike three. You're out!

Big win. Yeah! All right!

I'm a Gypsy. That's why

I'm not gonna bullshit you, OK?

I'm not gonna see you next year cos

I'm gonna be playing for the big leagues.

- Really?

- That's right.

I dunno what team, but

you'll see me on television...

..and you'll say "I know that guy."

"That's the guy that wanted to date

me but, no, I was too stupid."

Jake here. I'm in Hackensack.

Pretty much the same picture. He was out

drinkin' till 3.30 in a bar last night,...

..then he picked up a girl,

took her back to the hotel.

I figure tonight's agenda looks the same.

He's out celebrating his victory.

He was the winning pitcher today.

Right now you're playing

for Hackensack,...

..so why are you running

around in a Cubs jersey?

A Cubs jersey? What number's that?

- It says "35".

- That was my number in the Cubs.

They were the only big-league team

smart enough to take me on.

Is he a good pitcher?

Well, he's enthusiastic.

Kinda like a kid in a candy store.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Cold beer here. Cold beer.

There you go. Sorry I'm late. Allow me.

- Attractive

- Thank you very much.

- Look, just keep your eye out for Rudy.

- He doesn't exist. There is no Rudy.

Yes, sir. I'll break the news

to him tomorrow morning.

No, sir. I won't lose sight of him.

Let me tell you something about

athletes. After a game, we gotta relax.

We gotta come down, unwind.

My doctor told me. He said "Brewster,

man, get a massage. Come down."

We read in a medical journal

left in the locker room...

..an article written by

this Oriental doctor on massages.

We in the West give a massage like this.

And, see, all the energy coming from

my hands is stopped by the fabric.

Apparently we in the West don't know

that and we're massaging for nothing.

So his theory, and I dunno,

it's just a theory,...

..is if you're nude and you get

a massage, that's the best thing for you.

- Good for your muscles, nude.

- Maybe you'd like to try it with us?

- The four of us nude would be great.

- That would be fun.

Massaging each other.

- I think they're kinda cute.

- This one's especially cute.

Either of you guys got a car?

- Got a bus.

- The team bus.

- Bigger than a car?

- Oh, much bigger and more fun,...

..because he's a partymeister himself.

Why don't we start in a bus?

Let's try the bus.

Any left?

Let's try the bus, a good place

to start the evening off.

You're gonna love this.

We got a big-screen TV.

Well, not yet. We got a space for it.

I think you're gonna like that.

Hi, guys.

Hah... Rudy! Hi, Rudy, buddy.

Get in the car before

I twist your head off.

I didn't do anything wrong, baby.

They tried to pick us up.

- Bullshit!

- Shut up!

- Get in the goddamn car!

- Hey, I wouldn't do that.

- Rudy...

- Hey! Butt out, rag arm.

- Let's go, guys.

- We'll push your face.

Police? This is Torchy's on J Street. Send

somebody down, there's gonna be a fight.

Why is it when there's trouble,

it's us that gets into it?

There's a bar full of people.

We're the only ones in jail.

I don't think it's racial

cos I'm in here with you.

That's comforting.

- Hiya, fellas.

- Charley!

Look, I dunno what to say,

but I guess this is it.

Charley, we apologise. Now cut the

speeches and get us out of here, please.

I can't do it, kid. The front office

is washing its hands of you two.

There's no money for bail

and no money for your fines.

They gave you both unconditional releases.

Great. Do they know what they're

talkin' about? We got one game left!

- If we win today, we're in the play-offs.

- It's simple. They don't want you guys.

Next year, they're going with the college

draft choices. New talent, young kids.

Hey, look at it this way, Brewster.

You're lucky.

You got to be a pro ball player

for 15 years.

It's a lot more than most people get.

I'll see you.

Brewster and Nolan.

OK! You bozos are up to bat.

In here. Let's go!

Don't worry. I know this kind of stuff.

- Don't mess up.

- Just smile.

Thank you very much.

Mr Brewster and Mr Nolan, you're

charged with assault and battery,...

- ..resisting arrest...

..and the destruction of private property.

How do you plead? Guilty or not guilty?

Guilty, but with a real good excuse.

You're gonna love it.

- I plead innocent.

- You see, Your Honour,...

..what you have with

Mr Brewster and myself...

..is a couple of local heroes, really.

We play for a local team. You might

have seen us - the Hackensack Bulls?

Perhaps you know

the "Go, you Bulls, go"?

Let's not waste time. I have depositions

from over a dozen eyewitnesses.

Your Honour, we went into the bar

and we saw this nice lady.

We asked her to sit with us

to have a drink.

I didn't know she had a fianc. Did you?

I didn't know.

It wasn't public knowledge.

So you made advances to a woman

who was involved with another man?

If you don't make calls,

you don't make any sales.

- This man does not represent me.

- I'd remove that from the court records.

I'm going to set your bail at $3,000.

- Not bad.

- We don't have $3,000.

Bailiff, will you remove

the prisoners. Next case.

Your Honour, wait, please. I'd like

to defend myself. The man hit me first.

With the permission of the court!

My name is JB Donaldo.

I represent parties

who wish to remain anonymous...

..and who have instructed me

to post bail for the defendants...

..or pay any fines levied

in case they plead guilty,...

..which I'm sure they will now do.

- Who is he?

- It's the scout.

I told you they want me.

They want me.

We're going to the big time!

- So where to, JB?

- New York.

New York? Yee-ha ha!

The Mets!

I knew it! There's no Mets in here.

Wait a minute.

There's no Mets in this building.

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