Bridget Jones's Baby Page #7

A chic, expensive room. JUDE dresses her 6 year old, POPPY,

whilst talking on speaker into her iPhone. They both have

frightful colds. Giles is in the background getting ready.

JUDE:

Where the f*** are you?

The child watches her mother carefully and expressionlessly

before sneezing wetly all over her.

49 INT. CAR. LONDON TRAFFIC JAM. DAY. 49

The car in stationary traffic. Shazzer’s children’s mouths

are agape at hearing the swear word.

BRIDGET:

Speeding through lovely

countryside.

SPIKE:

No we’re not, why is Auntie Bridget

lying...

50 INT. COUNTRY HOUSE HOTEL. BEDROOM. DAY. 50

JUDE (O.S.)

You’d better be.

Jude lifts up Poppy’s dress and looks at her severely.

JUDE (CONT’D)

You are not going to a christening

without wearing knickers.

SHOOTING SCRIPT. 32

51 INT. CAR. DAY. 51

BRIDGET:

We are wearing knickers.

SHAZZER:

Speak for yourself.

JUDE:

Bridge, I thought you should know,

after Tom dropped out, Giles asked

Mark to be the godfather, the

prick.

BRIDGET:

(Horrified)

He did what?

JUDE (O.S.)

I know he really is a useless cock,

did it without asking me.

Bridget tenses.

52 INT. COUNTRY CHURCH. DAY. 52

The service is already underway. Bridget, Shazzer and the

kids come in at the back of the church.

BRIDGET (V.O)

Oh f***, f***, f***.

A roiling sea of smug-marrieds and their offspring fill the

pews. Shazzer and the kids duck into a pew, leaving Bridget

to run the gauntlet, tottering down the aisle to the font

where the christening party is waiting for her. The baby is

crying.

BRIDGET (CONT’D)

(muttering left and right)

Sorry, sorry, sorry!

POPPY stands beside a cross-looking Jude as Bridget

approaches.

POPPY:

(repeating her mother’s words)

Where the F*** were you?

Bridget gets a frosty reception from Jude, Giles and the

VICAR. She acknowledges Mark Darcy. He gives what looks like

a disapproving nod in return.

Irritably, Jude hands Bridget the baby. It immediately stops

crying. The baby loves her.

53 EXT. COUNTRY CHURCH. DAY. 53

Bridget and Darcy still haven’t had a chance to speak. Jude,

Giles, Bridget and Darcy are lining up for photos.

SHOOTING SCRIPT.

33

Bridget is still holding the baby who is sleeping peacefully.

MAGDA and JEREMY, friends of Bridget’s, are there with three

ill-behaved boys in tow.

MAGDA:

Look at Bridget - she’s a natural.

JEREMY:

Need to get a move on though. Mind

you, that woman in Italy had a baby

at 65.

Magda nudges him, smiles apologetically at Bridget.

BRIDGET:

Number one on my to-do list!

JEREMY:

Want a hand?

Magda hits him. Mark looks awkwardly at the floor.

PHOTOGRAPHER:

OK, can I just have the godparents

now?

The rest of the congregation peel away, leaving just Mark,

Bridget and the baby. In an alternate universe...

MARK:

(stiffly)

So, how are you?

BRIDGET:

Very well thank you? And you?

MARK:

Well. Yes. Thanks.

Mark is incredibly uncomfortable and awkward around the baby.

BRIDGET:

Are you here with your wife? I’m

sorry I can’t remember her name.

MARK:

Camilla. No. She er... no. Couldn’t

make it. Are you with anyo....?

BRIDGET:

No. Not...today... No.

She trails off, busies herself with the baby.

PHOTOGRAPHER:

Come on it’s not a funeral. What

about a couple of smiles from you

two? Maybe give her a little kiss

on the forehead?

Darcy leans over to give Bridget the most awkward of pecks on

the forehead.

SHOOTING SCRIPT.

34

PHOTOGRAPHER (CONT’D)

That’s lovely, but I was talking

about the baby.

BRIDGET:

(tries to break the ice)

We should probably just acknowledge

that this is unbelievably awkward,

no?

MARK:

Sorry?

BRIDGET:

This? You and me holding a baby,

you know, since well... you know.

MARK:

Right, yes, put like that...

He doesn’t get a chance to elaborate because Jude interrupts.

JUDE:

Bridget, they want to get a photo

with you and me and the baby.

BRIDGET:

Yes. Good.

MARK:

Well. I’ll see you later I

shouldn’t wonder.

BRIDGET:

Yes... unless I try and make a

break for it with this thing.

Healthy babies can fetch a fortune

on the black market and I

desperately need a new boiler.

(talking to the baby)

Shall we sell you? Shall we?

The baby chortles back at her. The photographer looks

horrified, Mark smiles.

54 INT. DRAWING ROOM. HOTEL. DAY. 54

The party is well underway. Darcy stands with a group of

fathers including Giles & Fergus. Bridget is wandering around

followed by a crocodile-line of kids. Darcy and Bridget

pretend not to notice each other.

On a band of mothers, all talking to a HEAVILY-PREGNANT

WOMAN, GINNY. Bridget tries to sneak past.

WONEY:

Here she is. Everyone’s favourite

godmother. How many godchildren

now, Bridget?

BRIDGET:

Running into six figures, Woney.

SHOOTING SCRIPT.

35

WONEY:

Better hurry up though!

Bridget grabs a fork from a passing tray and stabs it into

Woney’s arm. Woney screams.

BRIDGET:

Do you think it hasn’t crossed my

mind?

BACK TO REALITY.

BRIDGET (CONT’D)

Good advice. Thanks.

GINNY:

You know there was a woman in Italy

who had a baby when she was 65.

BRIDGET:

Wow, I did not know that.

GINNY:

Ooh! There she goes! She’s kicking

me!

BRIDGET:

And who can blame her?

The women stare at her.

BRIDGET.

With all this noise and excitement.

GINNY:

Do you want to feel?

BRIDGET:

No, I’m okay

GINNY:

I really don’t mind. Feel. The.

Bump.

BRIDGET:

Oh. Right. Okay.

(does so reluctantly)

Ahh. Lovely. Wow.

Bridget, all smiles.

BRIDGET (CONT’D)

Excuse me, must go and get er...

impregnated.

As she leaves all the women watch her and ‘Aaah’ in

patronising sympathy.

CUT TO:

SHOOTING SCRIPT. 36

55 INT. OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM. DAY. 55

Bridget and Mark arrive at the bar simultaneously. Mark gives

her a polite smile as two efficient bar-people reach them.

MARK:

Hello again.

BRIDGET:

Hello.

MARK:

How are you?

BRIDGET:

I’m very well thank you. How are

you?

MARK:

I am fine.

BRIDGET:

So am I. Well good bye then.

MARK:

Good bye.

They turn away to a separate barman.

BRIDGET:

Give me a glass of wine. Big, big

glass.

MARK:

(to his barman)

And a whisky. Double.

They go off in opposite directions. Drinking fast.

56 INT. TV ROOM / CORRIDOR. HOTEL. DAY. 56

Mark spots Bridget who is heroically trying to stop Magda and

Jeremy’s three ill-behaved boys and Shazzer’s twins from

killing each other in order to get a turn on the iPad.

BRIDGET:

Zak, your Mum said thirty minutes.

Off! Now!

BOY ONE:

Wait! I’m about to shoot the pimp!

Bridget looks at the screen horrified as the boys kick and

thump each other. The youngest winds Bridget’s hair around a

Thomas the Tank Engine. Suddenly the child is hoisted away as

if by magic. Bridget sags with relief.

MARK:

That’s no way to treat a lady,

boys. Here, look

SHOOTING SCRIPT.

37

Mark picks up the iPad and sits on the floor. The boys

cluster around it.

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