But I'm a Cheerleader

# Hang up the chick habit,

hang it up, Daddy #

# Or you'll be alone in a quick #

# Hang up the chick habit,

hang it up, Daddy #

# Or you'll never get another fix #

# I'm telling you it's not a trick,

pay attention, don't be thick #

# Or you're liable to get licked #

# You're gonna see the reason why #

# When they're spitting in your eye

they'll be spitting in your eye #

# Hang up the chick habit

hang it up, daddy #

# Your girl's not a tonic or a pill #

# Hang up your chick habit

hang it up, daddy #

# You're just jonesin' for a spill #

# Oh, how your bubble's gonna burst

when you meet another nurse #

# She'll be drivin' in a hearse #

# You're gonna need a heap of glue

when they all catch up with you #

# And they cut you up in two. #

Freemont power, Freemont pride.

Be aggressive, drive, drive, drive.

Freemont power, Freemont pride.

Be aggressive.

Drive, drive, drive.

Freemont power, Freemont pride.

Be aggressive, drive, drive, drive.

Go Freemont!

(cheering)

Okay, everybody,

tomorrow after classes

make sure that you have your uniforms

picked up from the dry cleaners,

because the bus for the playoffs

is gonna leave at 7:30 a.m.,

The next morning, all right?

- (sighing)

- Oh my God.

But the Doughnut Hole has agreed

to donate four dozen doughnuts.

All:
Yeah!

Okay, we're gonna kill

the Rangers this year, right?

All:
Yeah!

I can't believe you're leaving.

It's just a couple of hours

before you go.

Yeah. Right.

Right.

Aren't you excited?

It's playoffs!

Yeah. Whatever.

Come on.

I have to get home for dinner.

Please.

Oh, all right.

Father:

That's some beef.

- Mother:
And carrots.

- Yummy.

Thank you, Mother.

Thanks.

- Thank you, poodle.

- Sure.

Grace.

Father:

Dear Lord,

please bless this food

that we are about to eat.

We thank you for the abundance

that You have provided.

Please help us to follow Your path,

the one you intended us all to follow.

And Lord...

please help us to obey

the roles in life You set for us.

For all that is natural and...

healthy...

and sacred,

in Your name we pray.

Amen.

- Amen.

- Let's eat.

(car horn honking)

Bye, dear.

See ya later, swee... I mean tonight.

See you tonight.

Don't forget your

library books by the door.

Got them. Bye.

So... are we ready?

They'll all be here at 3:00.

Jesus, I hope we're

doing the right thing.

(bell rings)

Shaker Hills, here we come.

Remember, 7:
30 doughnuts.

Boy:
Did you talk

to both her parents?

- Girl:
She's coming.

- Kill the Rangers.

I'll meet you outside.

Don't you hate it when they do that?

I think it's fun.

Maybe he just doesn't do it right.

- See ya.

- Bye.

(horn honks)

Speed up, jerk!

Jared?

Why are we going so slow?

Sorry.

Zoning, I guess.

Mike, thanks so much for coming

all the way back out here again.

- That's what we're here for.

- Thank you, Mike.

- Now you've watched the video?

- Over and over.

Come in.

(horn honks)

Mike:

The important thing is to be clear.

And direct.

But to do it lovingly.

We're not accusing,

we're supporting.

I think I hear the car.

Uh-oh. Here they come.

Surprise.

What happened?

Is somebody dead?

They're your favorite.

Now, why don't you just

come on in and sit down, honey?

What's going on?

Hi, Megan.

My name is Mike.

Your parents and your friends

want to have a conversation with you,

and I'm here to help

facilitate that dialogue.

So why don't we start

by sitting down,

and making ourselves

comfortable?

How would that be?

Now, Peter,

would you like to start

the conversation?

Megan, we love you.

We all love you.

And lately we've become

concerned about

certain behaviors.

We're afraid you're being

influenced by...

a way of thinking.

Unnatural...

Do you remember the woman on TV?

Honey, we think you're a...

(whispers)

Lesbian.

Huh?

I myself was once a gay.

Now I'm an ex-gay, Megan.

I work for a place

called True Directions

who help people, like yourself,

to learn to understand

the reasons behind

homosexual tendencies,

and how to heal them.

What tendencies?

Why would you think I'm a...

You've been trying

to make us eat this tofu.

In diet, watch for a switch to

vegetarianism.

You don't have any pictures

of guys in your locker,

just these.

Mm-hmm.

And these.

Sexual,

even vaginal motifs

in artwork and decorating.

Gay iconography.

You don't even like to kiss me.

It's true.

I can't believe this.

Denial is a normal part

of the healing process

that we'll explore

at True Directions.

- Healing?

- Like rehab, honey.

Homosexuals Anonymous.

Poodle, it's only for a few months.

There is no way I'm going.

Mother:
Let's go.

Now.

Welcome, welcome,

welcome.

I'm Mary,

I'm the founder of True Directions.

- And you must be Megan?

- Yes.

- This is my son, Rock.

- Mother:
Hi.

Pleasure to meet you, Megan.

Looks like we got you just in time.

What are you, about 17?

- Yes.

- Almost lost her to college.

It's so much harder

once they've been through

all that liberal arts brainwashing.

But we've saved a few.

I'll take her from here.

Well. Come along.

Mother:

They seem like nice people.

(car starts)

(honks)

The others arrived yesterday,

so why don't I catch you up?

It's a two-month program

based on five simple steps.

Why don't we concentrate

on the first step:

You admitting your problem.

When you see a woman,

in a tight skirt,

and long,

beautiful legs,

or perhaps

she's in the bathroom,

putting lipstick

over her full lips...

or maybe in the locker room,

soaping her body...

rubbing her breasts...

you don't have any

unnatural thoughts?

I don't think it's unnatural.

Ah-ha! You see?

You don't even think it's wrong.

Until you admit your sickness,

you will wear these.

You will earn the right

to wear civvies

once you have admitted

the first step.

It's a long path

to righteousness, Megan.

And it's a battlefield

of temptation out there,

and you're going

to have to fight.

Until then,

I'd like you to meet

one of our other soldiers.

Hilary.

Megan, this is Hilary.

She will show you around.

And, well, you'll get acquainted.

Okay.

Rise and shine at 7:00.

Breakfast at 8:
00,

Group therapy until lunch.

Now in the afternoon

we have free time to do,

you know, whatever,

and then we move inside

for reorientating exercises.

Family therapy on the weekends.

You didn't miss much, really.

Oh.

This is where we sleep.

But there's no inappropriate

behavior allowed.

Inappropriate?

Like swearing?

No. Inappropriate like f***ing.

Oh.

You get caught

in the throes of sodomy,

and au revoir.

Never mind Graham,

she's a spoiled brat.

I read her chart.

Step one was easy,

admitting you're a homosexual.

See, we all passed yesterday.

I'm a homosexual.

See how easy it is?

Megan, meet the rest of our group.

Hi, Megan.

I'm Jan,

and I'm a softball player,

and I'm a homosexual.

I'm Sinead.

I like pain.

I'm a homosexual.

I'm Joel.

I'm a Jew.

And a...

ho...

homosexual.

- We met.

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