But I'm a Cheerleader Page #2

- Graham.

I'm Graham, and I like girls,

a lot.

I'm a homosexual.

Andre.

Actor. Dancer.

Homosexual.

Dolph. Homosexual.

Varsity wrestler.

How you doin'?

Hi. I'm Clayton Dunn.

I work in retail,

and I'm a homosexual.

It's time for your first disclosure.

Now don't be intimidated.

Why don't you start by telling us

about the first time that you realized

that you might be a lesbian?

I'm not.

Everyone just thinks I am.

I shouldn't even be here.

That's a perfectly

normal place to start.

Why don't we discuss

the issues in your intervention?

I'm a vegetarian.

All:
Mm-hmm.

I have pictures of women around.

- You think that's normal?

- Sure.

I never really thought about it.

Have you ever had a boyfriend?

Yes. For two years

we've been going steady.

I really love him.

He's smart and popular.

He's got the biggest dick

I've never seen.

Well, um...

have you ever had sex with him?

I'm a Christian.

It's really easy to be a prude

when you're not attracted to him, isn't it?

He's very handsome.

But does he make you hot?

Do you think of him

at night when you...

I'm not perverted.

I get good grades.

I go to church.

I'm a cheerleader.

I'm not like all of you.

Everyone reads "Cosmo."

Everyone looks at other girls.

All the time.

You only assume that they're thinking

what you're thinking when they look.

But they're not.

Freemont power. Freemont pride.

Be aggressive.

Drive, drive, drive.

Go Freemont!

I thought everybody

had those thoughts.

I just want to be normal.

Then you admit

you're not normal.

So why don't you admit

you are a homosexual?

(voices echoing)

Both:

You hug us way too much.

Hilary:

Step one was easy.

You don't even like to kiss me.

You put your hand up my skirt.

- Homosexual

- I think it's foul.

- Homosexual.

- Homosexual.

- Homosexual.

- Homosexual.

I'm a homosexual.

I'm a homosexual.

I'm a homosexual.

Congratulations, Megan.

You have just taken your first step

in your true direction!

(clapping)

I'm a homosexual.

Okay.

Go on now.

Don't worry, Megan.

It's gonna be okay.

No.

Here. Put these on.

Oh my God.

They were right.

I'm a homo.

Oh my God.

Congratulations on

your first step, pom-pom.

Don't listen to her.

She's just upset

'cause the fish on her plate

is the only kind she can eat.

I can't wait to be straight.

I've always wanted to be.

It's cool to finally talk about it.

I can't tell any of my

friends on the team.

Maybe you have

the wrong friends.

I think we should all be

supporting each other.

Really, princess. Do you

want to start the kumbayas?

Hi Mom.

The flowers are pretty.

I know.

I noticed that we sprung

another leak in the ceiling.

I'd like for you

to get to it tonight.

I'll get to it, Mom.

Jesus.

Ow! I'm sorry.

I didn't mean it.

Look.

Not in my presence.

I have told you

over and over again.

No more sipping.

Chug it, like a man.

Go on. Chug.

There.

Try and get to that tonight.

(sighs)

(electronic buzzing,

soft moaning)

Yeah.

Sorry, it's just me.

What are you doing?

AV, what's it to ya?

AV? What's that?

Aversion therapy, stupid.

So what does that mean?

When you have inappropriate

fantasies about girls,

you shock yourself with this shocker.

(buzzes)

So every time you think of them,

you feel that pain.

That's sick.

No pain, no gain, baby.

You want to like dick?

You better start training yourself.

Hey, isn't that Graham's sock?

None of your damn business.

(buzzing continues)

Megan.

You have a phone call.

Hello?

Mother:

Megan, it's Mom and Dad.

We know it's after lights out,

but we miss you so much.

Father:
We just wanted to know

how our little poodle is doing.

I'm doing okay.

You were right,

I am a homosexual.

But I'll be regular soon.

Father:
Oh, that Mary

is pretty good then, huh?

Mm-hmm, and Mike

and all others.

I'm already starting step two.

Father:
We're so glad,

and after all that money.

Mother:
We can't wait

to see you up there at graduation,

to have you home,

so we can all be together again.

Father:

Just remember we love you.

We would do anything for our Megan

to have a normal life,

- and if you need anything...

- Mother:
We'd better go.

Now you hang in there.

- Stay strong!

- Sweet dreams.

You too, Daddy.

See you at family therapy.

I love you.

And forward.

Backwards and forwards,

and backwards.

In a very clean line...

- you go in, and you go out,

And you go up

and you go down.

Girls, is everybody

paying attention here?

And you go in and out,

and in and out,

and in and out...

Get into every little crevice.

And in and out.

And you slip in...

and out...

add a little more oil,

and shove it in,

and take it out.

Put some muscle into it.

Shove it in and out.

And shove it in,

and take it out.

Okay, who wants

to go down with me?

# Climb before you hide #

# Then fool your pride #

# 'Cause we'll be waiting for ya #

# I go back to zero Henry #

# I see what you think you saw #

# When you passed me in the hall #

# I was... #

# There you go you're getting over #

# Tap an old friend on the shoulder #

# Penny fines for leaving empties #

# Lose your mind,

you're just like Henry #

# Let's go back to zero... #

You're turning into a pretty young lady.

Now hold still.

(whistle blows)

Come on!

All:

Die! Die! Die!

Okay then,

who's left to report out their root?

Andre?

Sh*t, Miss Mary, I ain't

the only one who don't got no root.

Andre, we don't use profanity,

or double negatives

here at True Directions.

Okay, who's next?

- Megan.

- Well, I've really been thinking,

but, I just can't think of anything.

I think our little prom queen

is too afraid to disclose.

Oh really?

What's your root, Graham?

We're working on your issue,

not mine.

You're deflecting.

Actually,

I think it might be

a great idea for Megan

to be reminded

of your root, Graham.

My mother got married in pants.

All right, let's see, Dolph?

Too many locker room showers

with the varsity team.

Hilary?

All girl boarding school.

Sinead?

I was born in France.

Clayton?

My mom let me play

in her pumps.

I like balls.

Why thank you for that, Jan.

Joel?

Traumatic breasts.

So, yeah.

Now, Megan.

Do you see how easy

it could be?

You just have to

dig down into those

painful memories,

and you'll find it.

Now, Hilary.

Will you please come up here?

Today we are going to learn

one of the most wonderful things

about being a heterosexual...

friendship.

So what I'd like you all to do,

is to start partnering off.

Find yourself a friend for

the remainder of the program.

All right, everybody settle.

Now that we have all

found someone,

what I'd like you to do

is practice sometime tonight

with these.

- It's a woman.

- And what else?

I don't know.

A mother.

Women have roles.

After you learn that,

you'll stop objectifying them.

Haven't you been listening

to anything Mary said?

Well have you?

- Have I what?

- Stopped objectifying them.

I'm still looking for my root.

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