Cabin Fever

Hey, boy.

Hey, boy!

Come on, boy.

Hey!

Hey!

Hey, fella.

- Whoo!|- Whoo!

No more f***ing finals!

Hey, don't do it!|Don't go to college.

It's a f***ing scam.|It f***ing sucks!

- Bert, got any more smokes?|- No.

Bert:
So I'm fat. So what?|I hope she's not anorexic.

Put her there, sport!

What's the matter?|Cat got your tongue?

- Jesus!|- God damn it, Dennis, no!

No, Dennis, no!

No, don't hit him|or anything.

Everybody knows not|to sit next to Dennis.

- He'll give you tetanus.|- Maybe you should make a sign.

There's a stream around back,|if you want to wash your hand.

I'll get you a towel.

Hey, pal,

do you think it's a smart idea|leaving your kid here

where he might be|a danger to people?

What are you saying exactly?

I'm just saying,|if such an incident

were to bring about a "lawsuit,"

- you might be held liable.|- Jeff, save it for law school.

Cute kid.

Hey.

What's your name?

Yeah!

Man:
If you're interested|in really good glasswork,

it's cheap,|but it's an antique.

Some of those bottles|up there

are dated|before the Civil War.

And over there,|I used to have-

in that empty space,|I used to have

some of the prettiest|Shirley Temple bottles I've ever seen.

And this woman came in here|with the palsy, the poor soul.

She thought|they were so cute,

and she reached for them|and knocked every one down

and broke them all|to damn pieces.

So I took her in the back and gave her|some coke and ammonia.

I thought she was|gonna have a spell.

We should get something|for your mom to say thanks.

How about some fox piss?

- My mom would love fox piss.|- Oh Lord, don't drop that.

If you do,|that's powerful stuff.

All the foxes around|would come down here.

You'd have friends|you'd never had before.

You all here for a vacation?

Jeff:
Yeah, we're renting|a cabin for a week.

That's nice. And if you go|in the woods...

- be very careful.|- Why, what's in the woods?

Tommy, get those kids|their sandwiches.

They're all wrapped up.

- So, what's the fox urine for?|- That's for foxes.

- What's the rifle for?|- That's for n*ggers.

Okay, let's see.|Let's give you those sandwiches now.

I think we're about ready|to get y'all out of here.

- That's $56 even.|- Okay.

Anything I can do|for you, friend?

No, I think that's...

Thank you.

You all have|a good vacation now.

- You too.|- Come back and see me.

Thanks a lot, man.|You have a nice day.

Jeff:
Did that guy|just say, "n*gger"?

Marcy:
Yeah, you|don't have to repeat it.

You can call it the "n" word.

Hey.

Boy, you want to give me|one good reason

why you would steal|a Snickers bar.

The nougat?

Sorry, man.|My bad.

All right. Enjoy.

Thanks.

What?

Moron.

Jeff:
|What's wrong with you, dude?

Bert:
Sorry.

I should burn his f***ing|store down, the racist f***!

- Marcy:
All right, make a left.|- Jeff: Here?

- Marcy:
Make a left.|- Jeff: Where else am I gonna go?

- Jeff:
Oh, and then down here...|- Bert: Stop the car!

Stop, stop!

I left my Mott's apple juice|back at the store!

- Women:
Oh my God.|- Come on!

- Paul:
No, we're not going back.|- Come on!

Paul:
I'm sure this river|is in the map, right?

Yes!

Paul:
There's no way|that this is on the map.

Karen:
It is on the map.|Do you want to look?

This map's for Cincinnati.

Karen:
Shut up.

Jeff:
Fine, f*** it.|We'll go this way.

Marcy:
|Oh my gosh. Wow.

"Welcome, y'all.

Enjoy your vacation|from all of us

at Bunyan Mountain Getaways."

Oh my God, Jeff,|check it out.

It's so cute- this little room,|this little bed...

lts view is so beautiful.

The view of the shrubs...

and the bush|and the antlers.

It's gonna be so perfect.|We're here for a week,

and there's no one|to bother us.

Who's up for a dip?

We're- they're-

Yeah. Safe sex.

- Eh, Paul?|- Yeah?

Have fun.

It's kind of sweet,|you know?

They seem pretty in love.

Bert, what the hell is that?

Huh? I'm gonna go shoot|some squirrels.

Why would you want|to kill squirrels?

- 'Cause they're gay.|- Don't be a f***ing retard.

Kidding. I don't care if|they're gay or straight.

- I'll kill them either way.|- Will you be careful with that?

Would you relax, man?|It's a f***ing BB gun. Relax.

Sorry.

So, Karen...

how long have we|known each other?

Seventh grade, right?

Yeah.

I was thinking, we've known|each other for so long,

and even though we-

Karen:
That's hot!

And, even though we've|always been good friends,

we never actually-

I've always thought|you were really cool.

Hey, race you to the raft.

La la la la la|la la la la

La la la la la|la la la la la la...

F***!

Jeff:
Oh my God!

La la la la la|la la la la la la...

Oh, feels f***ing great!

- You like that?|- Yeah!

Jeff:
I'm sorry.|Oh yeah!

So you know Ken Webb?

Yeah.

Short, greasy Ken.

The guy with the CDs, right?

Yeah.

He tried to kiss me.

- He did?|- Yeah.

Two days ago.

This guy I've known|for 12 years,

he's a family friend.

He puts his hands|on my face,

full-on tongue!|It was so gross!

Why, was it gross because|you've known him for so long or...

'cause he's gross?

No, it was definitely him.

I don't know. When you've known|someone a long time,

you just want to kiss them just|to see if they're a good kisser.

There's nothing wrong|with that, right?

No.

- Where are you going?|- What's it look like?

- I thought we were kissing.|- Yeah, we were.

So-

so what, you like me now?|Is this like a date?

Don't be gay.

Come back, Mr. Woodchuck.

I'm gonna get you now.

Oh sh*t.

Oh f***.

I'm sorry, man.

What?

- Why did you shoot me?|- I thought you were something else.

I didn't- f***!

- Are you all right?|- I'm s-

sick.

- I need help.|- Oh man.

I'll get you|some help, all right?

I'll be right back.|I got a car.

Oh f***.

Oh please, help me.

- F***.|- I'm sick. I need water.

Just lay down.|Don't move, man.

- Water.|- I'll get you water.

Just stay-|don't come near me, okay?

Is that your-

- is that your cabin?|- No!

Just stay there!|Please, stay there.

Don't make me|f***ing shoot you, man.

Just stay the f*** back,|please!

F***!

F***!

F***!

What the f***, man?|Where were you?

You gonna burn the whole|f***ing place down?

What are you,|Smoky the Clown now?

Don't you mean,|Smoky the Bear?

Whatever.|This is horseshit, man.

- It's a fireplace.|- How old are you?

Can't you be responsible|for anything?

We can't leave you alone|for five minutes

without you destroying something!|What were you shooting at?

I heard a squirrel.|I was just looking for a squirrel.

- A squirrel?|- Yeah.

- F***ing idiot.|- Jeff: To stick up his ass.

Jeff:
Why don't you|tell us the story?

What are you gonna roast|on that thing?

Come on, Paul,|tell them story.

No, I can't.|It's a traumatic experience.

- I don't want to talk about it.|- We like traumatic stories.

- Not about me, but...|- Trauma bonds people.

- You can tell us.|- It bonds those who go through it,

- not the people you tell it to.|- Tell the f***ing story!

All right!

So there's this bowling alley|when we were growing up.

You guys might remember it-|Lenny Meads Brighton Bowl?

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