Can't Buy Me Love Page #2

- Keeping our spirits up.|- Great!

- What can I do to help?|- Oh.

Ronald?|Not at the table, please.

So have you saved up enough money?

Yeah, fifteen hundred dollars!

Yeah, I mowed 331 miles of grass|this summer.

That's $4.54 per mile.

Hmm, The Ronald Miller Story:|My Life OnA Mower.

How much is the microscope?

- Telescope.|- Oh, well.

It's $1,000, and it's on sale.

Then I'm gonna deposit the rest|in a money market account.

I'm proud of you, son.|You worked, you earned, you saved.

You ask. Hey, big Dave.|How 'bout, uh,

spottin' me a 20 to|purchase some necessities?

- Why? What's up, son?|- preschooljam session at Julie's.

Okay. And what about you, Ronald?

You got any back-to-school|parties lined up?

Yeah, the Saturday night card game.

Ooh! Cards with the 'tards.

Smack him.|- Hey, bro, I'm only kidding.

I mean, who could beat a night|of cards, chips, dips and dorks?

Well, guys, read 'em and weep.

Your deal.

Ronald! Your deal.

Let's do something different.

What do you mean?

We've been playing poker|for two years.

Let's play another game.

Dealer's choice.

Hearts.

- Fran, isn't it?|- Yeah!

Wow! Wow, can I pet it?

- I'm sorry. It's dead.|- Ooh, cool outfit!

Ooh, what a severe suede.

You guys, it's no big deal.|Um, Bobby sent it to me from Iowa.

You know, they have|fine leathers down there.

Oh, yeah, the best leathers|come from Rome, Paris and Des Moines.

I don't remember this.|I was just in your closet yesterday.

Um, I probably had it|somewhere else. I don't know.

Hey, Fran, do you wanna|go mingle a little bit?

My mom won't let me near suede.|It's too hard to clean.

Yeah, I know.|My mom feels the same way.

Did I tell any of you girls about|my many scholarship offers?

- Mm-hmm.|Hey,John boy!

- Yeah! Quint! Hi!|- John!

Watch it! Ooh. Sorry, hon.

Oh, my God.|- Don't worry. It's only wine.

Just rub some salt on it.|It'll come out.

Oh, oh.

I mean, it's not like I ruined it.

Oh.

Damn it.

Now, for the same price, I can sell you|this five-inch telescope.

- Oh, it's only five inches.|- Well, it has an optical inverter.

- Hmm.|- Take a look. Take a look.

It gives you an erect image|rather than upside-down.

Hmm. Yeah. Ah,yes!

I see the erection.

I'll be right back.

I'll wrap it up|for you, Ronald.

Yes, I, I relate|to your dilemma, miss. I really do.

But we have a policy of no exchanges,

especially after a garment|has been marinated in Ripple?

All right, now, I will|compromise, all right?

Um, I, I will work here after school|and on weekends...

Would you listen to me? I will work|here after school and on weekends,

and all you need to do is give me|a replacement outfit as an advance.

- Listen, honey.|- What?

I'll repeat your alternatives|one last time.

You can keep your outfit|and dye the rest of it cranberry.

Or you can purchase a new one.

Would you please help me?|I will do anything.

Tsk. It's not that bad.

- What are you talking about? Are you high?|- I want to rent you.

You want to rent me?

Yeah. You pretend you like me,|and we go out for just a few weeks...

and that will make me popular.

Just going out with me|is not gonna make you popular.

Well, I have $1,000|that says it will.

I think you've mowed|one too many lawns.

You're right.

Tsk.

I believe we have decided|against purchasing the outfit.

Donald!

Oh! You made it!

- I was afraid you weren't gonna meet me.|- Mellow out, Donald.

I said 8:
05. I'm here, right?|Relax, anyway. It's only school.

Yeah, well, this is not|my average opening day.

I'm about to walk|the cool hallway.

- I usually go the long route through the library.|- Would you ease up?

I mean, I'm the one who's gonna|have to hold a press conference...

when we're seen|together, right?

- Right.|- Okay, now let's get this deal straight one more time.

Um, we only pretend to hang, right?|Uh, no hand holding, no kissing!

And I get my lunch hour off.

That's not our deal.|I need more return on my investment.

Well, there's no way|I'm holding your hand in public.

- I mowed 286 miles for you.|- Okay, one lunch.

There are five days|in a school week.

- All right, Donald, two lunches.|- Three lunches.

- And the pep rally on Friday.|- Four lunches. That's it!

Okay, deal. Now, just remember,

this is our sworn secret|for life or longer.

- You promise.|- Yeah, yeah. I promise.

Anyway, how bad could it be, right?|It's only for one week.

No, no, it's one month. One month.

Yeah, I know. Okay, one month.

- Okay.|- Okay.

Now if I'm gonna do this for one day,|we have to do something about your style.

I mean, it's like nonexistent.|Okay? Take off that hat.

And... rub that in.

Okay, um, take off those glasses.

Here you go.

Let me take a look at you.

Nope. Turn around.

Oh, sh...

Okay, here you go. Your sleeve.

Don't worry about it. You look fine.

Turn around and back up.

- Yes, yes, big improvement.|- Yes.

Okay, Donald, we're ready.

- Oh, Cindy, one last thing.|- Yeah?

My name is Ronald, not Donald.

- Let's do it.|- That's right. Let's do it.

Should I put my collar up?

- Hey, dude!|- Hey, man.

Really?

What's happenin', homes?

If we win a basketball trophy,|put it down there.

- We want ours to be all alone.|- Man, look at...

- Who's the dick with ears?|- Oh, yeah, man. It's that wimp ass Miller guy.

- I don't get it.|- It must be for charity.

- I think that's Ronald Miller.|- No way!

It must be a... transfer.

Wrong, and I think I'm puking.

Hi, pats, Barb.

- Um, you all know Ronnie.|- Yeah, I think.

Didn't you, like,|used to mow our lawn?

Yes, and you have the nicest pair|of rhododendrons in town.

Rhoda who?

- Dendrons.|- I'll see you guys in Home Ec.

Okay?

- What did he say?|- I don't care.

Dig on his shirt.

Well, class, any interesting|experiments this summer?

Uh, yeah, well, uh,|I grew spores and fungi...

in my parents' refrigerator|this summer.

Now he's homeless.

- How come you didn't meet me in the library?|- Sorry. I forgot.

First day and all.

- What's with the weird outfit?|- Um, it's a designer original.

- Yeah, how's the new telescope?|- Well, I didn't exactly buy it yet.

A thousand dollars is a great deal|to part with, and I don't...

Mr. Miller,you seem|quite talkative this morning.

Why don't you recite the bones of|the upper appendicular skeleton?

Ooh!

All 64.

Oh, God,John.

You are such a pig.

- God.|- Well...

since you guys are all wimping out,|I'll get to the main issue here.

Cindy, what were you doing|with the lawn boy?

- We're friends.|- Since when?

Excuse me, Cindy.|"Friends"? Come on.

Well, what about Bobby?

Yeah, come on. We just want|some answers, all right?

Guys, why don't you|take a look at my forehead?

Do you see a sign|that says "information"?

- Ooh!|- I didn't think so.

- Girl!|- Taste, please.

Hey, come on!

I know that lunch was part of our deal,|but I didn't think it meant the same table.

Well, I thought it would be|a little more believable.

- Yeah, I guess you're right. Anyway, you did treat.|- Yes.

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