Can't Hardly Wait Page #5

and 'cause you desperately needed to sit

at the trendy table in the cafeteria.

Whaf fhe hell happened?

She's not supposed fo be wifh somebody

else. She's supposed to be with me.

I mean, fhere was even

fhat song on fhe radio.

Wasn 'f fhaf a sign?

Unless Denise was righf.

Maybe fhaf song was aboit a dog.

Well, what was I supposed to do then,

go ouf and buy a dog?

No. If had to be a sign.

It's not like you hear fhe song

"Mandy' on fhe radio every day.

I haven'f heard fhaf song

in, like, ten years.

And since today

is Barry Manilow's birthday...

we'll be playing "Mandy" every hour

on fhe hour here at Mellow 103.

- Thank you very, very much.

- And as a special treaf for you...

we'll have the Man-ilow himself

fo answer your quesfions...

live on fhe phone from

his sold-ouf concerf in Tokyo.

So if you've got a question

for fhe man who "wrifes the songs"...

get fo the phone and call in now.

Excuse me.

Are you gonna be long?

I just need to make one call.

Oh. There's two other phones.

Yeah. They're broken.

- I just put my money in.

- It's sort of an emergency.

- Look. It won't take long.

- My car broke down and I need to call...

- Shh! Wait.

- A cab.

- Hello? Yeah, Mellow 103?

- Hello, 103.

- You're on the air.

- Finally. Listen...

I have a really important question

for Barry Manilow.

- Barry's listening.

- In that song "Mandy"...

Hello?

Why did you do that?

Wait a second. Lady, I was...

I was talking to somebody!

No! You don't just hang up!

- Rapid Cabs.

- Hi. I need a cab, please.

- I'm at Johnny's on the boulevard.

- Who are you? I was...

- I'm an angel.

- I had so...

Okay, I'm done now.

You don't just hang up

on somebody's call like that.

I think my emergency was just

a little bit larger than yours, junior.

How the hell do you know?

You have no idea how long...

This is great.

This is just, just great.

This is officially the worst night

of my entire life. Thank you very much.

Try having 40 drunk men

grabbing your ass...

one groom-to-be

throwin' up all over you...

and then have your car break down

at 2:
00 a.m...

and then you can talk to me

about havin' a bad night, okay?

- You're a stripper?

- I'm a dancer.

An angel stripper.

Oh, I'm the weirdo.

You're the one calling Barry Manilow

from a phone booth at 2:00 a.m.

You're right.

I'm a total loser.

No, wait. I'm sorry.

Great.

Like I could feel any worse.

That's the most disgusting thing

I've ever seen!

What is wrong with you people?

Do you know who Preston Meyers is?

Duh. He only sat right next to you

in freshman English.

But I guess

you wouldn't remember that.

Why would Amanda Beckett pay attention

to a unique spirit like Preston...

or even a unique spirit like me,

for instance?

Maybe it's because

she's just a little too busy...

ordering around her little

conformist flock of sheep.

Sheep!

You are all sheep.

Hey, Luke doesn't push Vader.

Well, he should've.

I mean, the guy cut his hand off.

Those were our only flashlights.

Oh, yeah.

Geez.

- It's kinda dark up here.

- Yeah.

You know what?

This is just like

that Scott Baio thing.

When I was 16, I had

the biggest thing for Scott Baio.

You don't have to sit here

and go through... Scott Baio?

I said I was 16.

I mean, this went back

to the "Happy Days" years...

not to mention

"J oanie Loves Chachi."

God, I hated her.

Joanie.

See, I always knew

that somehow...

I'd meet him.

Like if I wanted it bad enough,

I could make it happen.

And it did...

right after his first season

of "Charles in Charge."

He was doing this mall tour,

and he came here to our mall.

It was like everything

was finally falling into place.

- You know, like it was...

- Fate.

Yeah!

So I went, you know.

And he had this red bandanna...

'cause, you know, Chachi

always wore that red bandanna.

And I waited there outside.

And I was the first person

when he pulled up.

He got out of that car...

He was so beautiful.

And he looked right at me.

I didn't know what to do.

I couldn't say anything.

I couldn't move.

I never even talked to him,

and he was right there.

I still have that red bandanna.

The thing is, you never know.

Like, had I at least

maybe said something.

You never know.

But anyway, the point is,

I totally realized...

you know, fate.

There is fate,

but it only takes you so far...

because once you're there,

it's up to you to make it happen.

You are so definitely right.

I know.

So look.

Don't make the same mistake I did.

If you really want to be with him,

get back on that phone...

and call Barry Manilow

and tell him how you feel.

I didn't want him.

It's okay.

I don't think it's weird.

I mean, come on. Scott Baio.

We all have our things.

And I'm ready to fake

A chance again

Ready fo put my love

on the line

With you

You are a no-talent,

posturing little smurf!

Really? That's not what your girlfriend

said last night in your van.

You guys are such amateurs.

I quit!

Way to go.

Why don't you just take off the T-shirt?

- Me?

- You!

We were fine until you pulled out

that stupid hat.

This hat is not stupid!

This hat is cool.

- Way to go, man.

- What the hell did I do?

Get outta here!

I'll be the band, dudes.

Hey, I know this song.

I know this song.

The guy I tutored in math

used to make me listen to it.

Wild Bill!

Rock and roll!

Take me down

to fhe paradise city

Where fhe grass is green

and the girls are preffy

Oh, won'f yoi please take me home

Get offl

Far away

So far away

Caf in the cenfer

has been forn apart

- He is so cute!

- I know.

Tear me a rug

Take me back to fhe start

I'll scream loose in my mind

Are you blind

Oh, my God!

Oh, yeah!

Dale! Sign my yearbook!

You know what?

My retainer kind of looks

like a Klingon warship.

Fire photons.

This is the greatest night

of my lifel

- Get up.

- What?

- I got to pee.

- You are not peeing in here.

- It's a bathroom.

- I'm aware of that by now.

Are you gonna move?

'Cause I'm gonna go.

You are disgusting.

I cannot listen to this.

So were you saving up

all that stuff to tell me?

You really want to talk about this

while you're doing that?

Geez, it could've been on your mind

the last six years.

You might've mentioned something.

When? When you were ignoring me

in the halls?

When you were writing "Denise Fleming's

a tampon" on my locker freshman year?

I did not write

"Denise Fleming is a tampon."

Just like you didn't destroy

my Cabbage Patch Kid in second grade.

Second grade?

Besides, I admitted that

right away.

No, you didn't. When I picked her up,

her head fell off, you started to cry.

That kind of tipped me off.

I did not cry.

Much.

Fine. I told John Keiserman

to write "Denise Fleming is a tampon."

I felt really bad afterwards.

It's all right. I told...

Diana Yellin you were

a dendrophiliac.

What is that?

It's someone who has sex with trees.

That's not funny.

- Oh, Bill!

- He's with me.

He asked me

to hold his laser pointer.

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