Can't Hardly Wait Page #6

Now, ladies, ladies, please.

Both of you can hold

my laser pointer anytime.

Come on.

Did those two girls just go

in the make-out room with...

William Lichter?

- Yeah.

- They're so lucky.

Hey, man. You want a beer?

Trip McNealy.

No way, man.

Geez.

You were a sexual icon.

You know, girls at Huntington

still talk about you.

Really? Which ones?

You must be rackin' up at college.

College.

I wish. I can't even get

digits as a freshman.

Shut up. Come on.

You can tell me.

Seriously, man.

I thought college

was gonna be a 24-7 orgy.

That's even why I broke up

with Janeen before I left.

So what happened?

College chicks

are totally different, bro.

They're all serious and sh*t.

They all talk about world issues

and "ecolomological" crap.

They all wanna date older guys.

Yeah, but not all of 'em, right?

Way it goes.

Hell, I even tried crawling back

to Janeen.

She was all cozy with some senior.

He's a premed.

They all are.

Guys like us,

we are a dime a dozen.

Speaking of which...

you still with that Amanda chick?

She was a prize piece

if I ever saw one.

Yeah.

Me and Amanda, definitely.

Yep.

You're lucky, bro.

- Sure am.

- Stay with her.

That's the best advice

I can give you.

Oh, that and...

bring rubber flip-flops

to the shower.

I got warts all over my feet.

Take it easy, Trip.

All right.

Amanda!

Have you seen Amanda Beckett?

No.

Preston? I don't know.

Well, his hair's kinda,

I don't know, brown.

No, it's not really brown.

Oh, he's tall.

Yeah. He's kinda tall,

sorta tall.

And he's like always wearin',

like, T-shirts.

Sometimes.

- So he's sort of tall?

- Kind of.

- With hair?

- Yeah.

And he wears T-shirts sometimes?

- Yeah.

- Yes.

- That's it?

- Well...

I mean, he's Preston.

He's Preston, you know?

I like that guy.

You know who else I like

who never got much play...

is Velma from "Scooby Doo."

Right.

She was also a cool...

- She was a hip lady.

- Hip chick.

- Watch it!

- Amandal

Oh, God. Mike, get off.

Can't I hug my girl if I want?

I am not your girl,

and you're obviously drunk.

- So...

- Wait.

We need to talk.

- About what?

- Us.

There is no us.

No, but there is, see, 'cause...

I've been doing

a lot of thinking...

and I think...

I think...

I think we should

get back together.

Why?

- What?

- Why?

Give me one good reason why...

No. You know what?

Screw that.

No, Mike. My answer is no.

You mean you don't want me

to take you back?

'Cause I'm serious about this.

You should really think about this.

Think about what? That you're

a childish, self-centered a**hole?

Take me back? Please.

Look. You're drunk,

and we're over.

Why don't you just walk away now

and save yourself the embarrassment?

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, well, you're the one...

Amanda, who's gonna be embarrassed.

Who's gonna want you now?

Somebody.

Somebody?

More like...

nobody.

Gosh, Mike,

you really got me there.

Fag!

Shut up!

Yes!

I'll kick everyone's ass

in this room!

Now that Mike is

completely out of the picture...

I was thinking maybe you'd like

to come to my van...

and I could turn that frown

upside down.

Amanda, hey,

I just saw what happened, and I...

Oh, God, you're a hottie!

Can I see you naked?

Remember that time you danced

with me at the sock hop?

I never told you,

but I had the hugest boner.

- Maybe we could work things out.

- Let me get you out of that skirt.

You're lookin' good.

Hey, Amanda, do you want

some watermelon?

Amanda, I love you!

Listen. I know that must sound

really strange, but...

Excuse me. I've always felt there was

this unspoken connection between us...

ever since the first time I saw you when

you were holding my favorite Pop Tart.

And the truth is, I'm leaving tomorrow.

If we could go someplace...

Oh, you know what?

That is enough!

God, I haven't even been single

for like five minutes...

and already you think...

that I am just gonna strip off

my clothes and do you right here...

because, I don't know,

I don't know...

you imagined that we shared

some intimate moment that you...

have probably been drooling over

for the past four years!

How sick and deluded are you?

You know, why don't you just

go off and get yourself...

a goddamn life, a**hole?

Thanks, man.

That was the funniest thing

I've seen all night.

Oh, man.

I hope you guys are okay.

Don't stick that probe there, Daddy!

Hey, buddy! Hey.

You have to come outside with me,

man, 'cause we are...

There is...

There's this chick out there...

There's two chicks out there...

They're triplets, man. Huh?

You're not gonna believe what they're

doin', not 'cause I made it up...

but because it is so...

unbelievable, man.

Come on out to the pool house with me

'cause they told me...

that they want you to watch 'em.

They want you to watch 'em.

So we're goin' out.

Come on. To the pool house.

Come on.

I'm a loser.

I broke up with the hottest girl

in school.

My friends all sold me out.

Someone in there called me a fag.

Why?

I'll make love to you

Like you want me to

And I'll hold you fight

The right stuff

You loved the New Kids.

The acid-washed jeans.

With the built-in rips.

You were a fashion victim from the womb.

Thank you.

I've gotten better since then.

Yeah, if you need to fit

a family of five in your pants.

Shut up. These are cool.

All right.

But the goggles.

Everybody's wearing these.

All right.

Okay, my turn.

- What?

- The shoes.

What is wrong with my shoes?

What? What?

Do they serve

an orthopedic function?

No. Fine.

What about your shoes?

- What's wrong with my shoes?

- Is there a mission to the moon later?

Yeah.

- Your feet smell.

- They do not.

I'm the king of beer!

You still didn't sign

my yearbook.

Actually, I'm trying to get everybody

to sign by their own picture.

Oh, my God.

Oh, sh*t.

What is wrong with everybody?

These are memories

frozen in time, people!

A love-struck Romeo

Sings a sfreetsuss serenade

Layin' everybody low

With a love song fhaf he made

Finds a sfreetlight

Steps ouf of the shade

says something like

You and me, babe

How about if

Juliet says

Hey, if's Romeo

You nearly gave me a heart aftack

He's underneath the window

She's singing

Hey, my boyfriend's back

Shouldn't come around here

singing up af people like fhat

Who needs her?

You know what they say

about women and trolley cars, right?

There's plenty of 'em in the sea.

Am I right?

You are correct.

You're 110 percent right.

- Let me ask you something. Wait.

- What?

You remember the time...

that you had to make

that really stupid speech...

and I kinda sorta tripped you...

and everybody started laughing

at you in school?

Okay, yeah. Yeah.

I'm sorry.

Oh, man.

Hey, don't worry about it, man.

Hey, it's ancient history, right?

It's ancient history.

- When was that anyway?

- That was this morning at graduation.

Oh, yeah.

You think I could get a shirt?

You know, for nostalgia?

Yeah.

What would you think

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