Carla's Song Page #2

- Go now!

- Carla, Jesus Christ, this place is a dump.

- Stop following me.

I don't even know why

you're staying here.

Just five minutes, darling,

and I'll be away.

- Are you OK?

- Will you open this door?

Carla.

Who do you think you are?

Talk to me.

Jesus, what a dump this is.

- You don't understand what get out means.

- Carla, calm down, it's OK.

- Carla.

- Get out!

- Carla, come here, come here.

- Get out. Get out. Get out.

It's OK.

It's OK.

It's all right.

I'm sorry.

Look, I'm sorry, I...

What the hell's

going on in there?

Open this door or I'm

gonna boot the f***er down.

- Who the hell are you?

- Spiritual advisor.

- Corporation supplying them nowadays?

- Very good.

- Right, you, out.

- It's not her fault.

Out. You, too because

you knew the golden rule.

- It's not her fault. I barged my way in.

- Barged your way in?

Nobody,

but nobody barges past me.

You f***ing listening

to what I'm saying?

I want you two out in five minutes

or I'm phoning the police.

- You're no' listening.

- Quiet!

You've got four minutes now

and I'm phoning the police.

Carla, look, you couldn't

stay here anyway, darling.

Look, come with me.

I'll take you someplace better than this.

I've got a pal and

he's got a flat,

and there's a room in his flat

and you can stay there.

It's a f***ing huge flat and he's got a big

room and you can have that, no rent.

I'll sort that out with Sammy.

You don't have to pay

any rent or anything.

Listen, it's a nice place, Carla,

you know?

Much better than here.

And we can go tonight.

Get you sorted out.

OK.

Aye, OK.

Right, just go up the stairs.

I hope Sammy's got milk.

- All right, man.

- All right, Sammy.

Er... Sammy, this is Carla.

Carla, Sammy.

In you go.

- What the f*** are you playing at?

- Not now.

Coast clear?

- What do you mean?

- Empty.

- Yeah.

- Good. Come on, Carla.

- I tell you what, sack your cleaner.

- Just can't get the staff.

Don't you worry, Carla.

We'll soon have this place tidied up.

You sit there, darling.

Sit there.

Get this fire on, heat you up.

I'll be back in a minute.

Come on.

- That'll be breakfast for three, then, aye?

- Don't jump to conclusions.

I'm not jumping to conclusions.

It's just...

You're auditioning bridesmaids?

Just thought you'd let the best man

have a wee say who's who.

No, it's Maureen's pen

pal just flown in, aye?

Who did she see? The groom to be,

number 72. There you are.

Oh, far be it for me

to jump to any...

For f***'s sake, Sammy.

It's no' like that. Ok?

It's just...

I don't know what the f*** it's about.

I'm just trying to help a lassie out.

That's all right.

There's some tea, Carla.

Thank you.

Listen, I had a word with Sammy and

you can stay here as long as you like.

Sammy's a good man.

Nicaragua...

is where I come from.

Nicaragua?

Right.

Did I hurt you?

Did you hurt me?

No, I've had a lot

worse than that.

- Are you sure?

- I'm sure.

Crazy guy.

Crazy dancer.

All right, doll.

F***ing stupid...

That's f***ing clever, mate.

Did you see that there?

See the way he pulled in like that?

- Are you blind?

- I had a f***ing indicator on!

Do you not use your mirrors?

I'm drivin' the f***in' bus!

You shouldn't pull into

a bus stop like that.

Check your bloody mirrors!

Why pull in?

The taxi's there.

I was pulling in past the bus stop.

Do you not use your mirrors?

I'm driving the f***ing bus.

Passengers could be walking off there.

- Never mind your passengers!

- F***ing sorry.

I'm asking for a bit of

professional courtesy.

- Passengers could walk in front.

- Never mind them. Look at my back light.

- Away to f***. You use your mirrors.

- Your punter's f***ed off.

You wee shite, get back here!

- You're paying for my back light.

- Let's try and catch him up.

Open this door!

Where are you going?

- Let's just go for a wee run.

- Open this door!

Get this door open! My money's in

that taxi! Open this door up!

- We'll try and find him for you.

- Are you off your head?

My money's in that f***in' taxi!

Calm down.

Calm down.

Sh*t.

My money's in that taxi!

- Right, stop this bus right now!

- I'm taking you on a wee tour.

Open this door!

I want off this bus right now.

- A magical mystery tour.

- Open this f***ing door!

Look, I'll tell everybody it's my fault.

Just pull the f***in' bus in, will you?

- Want off?

- Aye, I want off.

- Sure you want off?

- Aye, I want off. Now, open the doors!

You want to see a doctor.

You're off your f***in' head.

Aye, so people tell me.

What are you waiting for now?

You need to all get off the bus.

It's out of service.

I'm not joking.

You need to get off.

- The guy's a pot head.

- We could have all been killed.

Ho.

- Ho! Off the bus.

- What's the bus doing here?

Just f*** off.

OK, OK.

- Where are we going?

- Please don't ask me questions.

- Why?

- No questions.

"Better by bus. "

There we are.

- Eh?

- Beautiful.

Yeah.

This mountain over here

is called Ben Lomond.

And this is Loch Lomond.

It goes on for miles and miles.

- It's really beautiful.

- Yeah.

I've been here hundreds of times.

First I came here with my grandfather,

my grandpa.

I was just a wee, wee boy.

He loved it here.

The thing I like about it is it's always

changing all the time, you know?

The sky, the water, the ferns.

I don't know. When I'm pissed off,

it makes me peaceful.

And then when I'm happy...

it makes me more happy.

I don't know. I can't explain it.

Anyway, let's have a seat.

There we go.

I've got a wee surprise.

You like surprises?

- Yes.

- Good.

A special treat.

Da-da.

- You like this?

- Yes.

I love this.

Get it off.

Yes!

Here.

OK, toast.

Make a toast and you're

bound to get good luck.

To all my family,

to all my friends,

to all the world,

to the band I play with,

to the music, to the drinks.

That's lovely.

And... to Antonio.

Wherever he is.

Your... boyfriend?

He was.

And to Nicaragua libre.

Free Nicaragua.

Nicaragua libre.

In a oner.

In a oner.

Oh, f***.

Ya... f***in' bastard.

Go on, you bastard!

F*** it.

F*** it, it's no' working.

It's freezing. Come up the back.

It's warmer up here.

Oh, that's better.

Oh!

Oh.

Oh, your hands are cold.

Cold.

Yeah.

OK?

It only happened a couple of times,

sweethart.

And have you slept with her?

No.

Did you want to?

For f***'s sake, Maureen.

You've never ever

lied to me before.

Probably. I don't know.

I hardly know her.

What am I gonna do?

Look, Maureen,

you're my best pal, but...

I just don't want to marry you.

I tried to kid myself on.

I just can't do it.

My God, you mean it.

I wish I didn't but it's true.

Maureen.

Maureen. Maureen.

Maureen.

Come here, please.

Carla?

Carla?

Carla?

For God's sake.

F***, f***, f***.

F***!

God.

F***.

Get up, for f***'s sake.

F***!

Oh, f***ing Jesus f***ing Christ.

Oh, Carla.

Come on.

Sh*t.

F***ing sh*t.

Excuse me.

How's the lassie?

Well, erm, she's just been

seen by the consultant

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