Catherine Tate's Nan

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This programme contains some strong language

Can you hear me? 'Hello, Nan.

'Turn your head.' Turn me head. Bop.

'I'm over here!' He's over there.

Oh, have a look! SHE CACKLES

You're on the telly, love. You're on the telly.

'I'm on Skype.' Oh, Skype Sports?

No, I don't watch that rubbish, love.

When you going to come up and see me? 'Not for a while, Nan. I'm in Africa.'

Oh, yeah? Still on your holidays?

'No, I'm volunteering...in Namibia.

'Do you remember? I'm helping build a school for orphans.'

We can all build schools for orphans, love,

but who's going to come and fix my wonky tap?

'The council?' The council? No good bastards!

How's Umbongo?

'Who's Umbongo?'

That friend you keep...banging on about.

'Ngudu?' If you like.

Ngudu is the group leader, Nan. Oh, it's a group thing now, is it?

'Nan, it's really amazing out here.

'The children can't wait...' EASTENDERS THEME PLAYS Yeah, love, I get the gist.

Me programme's on now. Ta-ta.

Well, the tap's not been working for ages.

And it's not the first time something's broken.

Mind you, I suppose it's the same everywhere, innit?

You remember Cheryl? You know, round the corner, the one with the head.

Great big square head she had, didn't she? Head like a toaster!

Her husband left her. Yeah. I mean, I can't blame him really.

Must have laid in bed at night staring at her thinking,

"I wonder how many Pop Tarts I could get in that head?"

But, you know, when you think about...

OVER PHONE:
'I'm sorry, I don't understand.

'Press star to return to main menu.'

Oh, leave off!

So, who are ya? I'm Alice.

Yeah. Who sent you? The Young and Old Buddy-Up Foundation.

The Young and Old Buddy-Up Foundation.

What's that, then?

Well, it's where young people go and help old people who may need a buddy.

May need a buddy?!

What you supposed to do then anyway? Cheer you up.

Christ! When's that start?

Want a cup of tea, love? No, thanks.

Have a cup of tea, eh, love? Oh, no, really, I'm fine, thank you.

What, do you want a coffee? I don't drink coffee.

No? Well, have a cup of tea, then, eh?

You'll like a nice cup of tea. I don't really like tea.

No? I do.

I do like a cup of tea. Oh, I do like a cup of tea, me!

Love a cup of tea!

Anyone could ask me, "Would you like a cup of tea?" I'd say, "Yeah."

"Yeah, love a cup of tea me."

Lovely, lovely tea...in a cup.

Love a cup of tea!

Oh! Do you want a cup of tea?

Oh, whatever gave you that idea?!

Course I want a cup of tea!

"Would you like a cup of tea?" I'm sat here gasping in me own house!

Oh, yeah, that tap don't work.

RUMBLING:

Oh, hark at that. Can you hear that? That noise?

That'll be that new family. They've been moving in all week.

Crash, bang, wallop! That's all you ever hear, morning, noon and night.

Oh, bang, bang, bang!

I mean, how much stuff do you need?

Oh, they frighten the life out of me.

And the looks they give you on the stairs.

You'd think I'd wiped me arse with one of their cats.

KNOCK AT DOOR Oh, there are, love. Go on, you get that, will ya? Oh, I don't dare.

Hello? Hello. Hello, Mrs Taylor.

Hello, sweetheart!

You all moved in? Oh, yes, thank you.

Just came to apologise in case there's been any noise.

Has there been any noise?

I ain't heard any.

This is Alice.

She's here to cheer me up.

Due to start any time soon.

Well, just in case, I brought you some lentil dahl and sag aloo.

Oh, what's that?

That...curry, is it?

It's lentil dahl and sag aloo.

Len-dah and sa-loo.

Oh, that's lovely, innit? I shall have a slice of that later.

See you soon. Ta-ta, sweetheart! Ta-ta.

NAN GAGS:

What a f***ing liberty!

Did you see that?!

Did you see that?! I'm lucky I've escaped with me life!

And did you hear her? Did you hear her?

"See you soon?" That's a veiled threat if ever I've heard one.

And look at this poison she's give me!

What shall I do with it? Well, don't open it, for gawd's sake!

Never get the smell out the curtains!

Erm...how's my tea coming along?

But the tap's broken. Oh, just be gentle with it, love,

don't go nausing it up with them great big shovel hands of yours.

TAP SPLUTTERS:

NAN CACKLES:

Oh, well, that has cheered me up, I'll give you that, love.

Have a look at this mob...

..junkie, layabout,

thief, murderer,

halitosis, fat ankles,

transvestite.

Hello, Mrs Taylor! Hello, darling, how are you?

Oh, I ain't seen you in ages, love! Here, you been on your holidays?

You're looking well, I'll tell you that, darling. How's that little dog of yours?

You still got that...? She's got a little dog. It's only little. It's like that, innit? Little dog.

Oh, anyway, darling, it's lovely to see you, sweetheart.

Bye. Take care, darling. SHE CACKLES

Who was that? Gawd knows!

Come on, move along, love! Ain't you got to go and have a big fat gypsy wedding?

I'm not a gypsy.

Well, two out of three ain't bad.

73! Excuse me, dear, my taps don't work.

73?

Are you talking to me, love?

Are you 73? I'm 75, but this scarf is flattering.

You need to take a ticket from the machine.

Oh, go and get us a ticket, love.

Now sit down and wait your turn. I'm waiting for me ticket.

Sit down. Here's me ticket.

Congratulations. Now go away and fill out an E-179 form.

I ain't got time to be filling out forms, love.

I've got to get home. I'm on Skype Sports to Africa, you know?

Number...number 73.

Oh, have a look.

What you here for then, son?

Listen, if they ain't going to fix my taps,

I can't see 'em splashing out on a winch just to get you in a bath.

Er...excuse me, I'm here for a parking permit.

Blimey! What do you drive, a skip?

Madam, read the sign!

"Our employees and visitors

"are entitled to be here without threat of abuse or rude language."

Right. Well...try not to be such a difficult cow, love,

then you wouldn't need a sign.

Eh? Am I right?

Madam, I will call Security.

Security?!

I'm 75 years old! What do you think I'm going to do?

Knit you another sign that says, "Go and f*** yourself!"

Security!

Yeah? Yeah, you call Security, love.

Me and this extremely fat man...will not take this lying down!

And he can barely get up.

I do Pilates! Good luck to you, love, every little helps.

I go three times a week! Yeah? What, they got a canteen there?

I'm not that fat! Security, please remove this woman from my desk!

Oh, listen, you leave this poor man alone.

His only crime is loving food

that little bit more than he loves Pilates.

And look at him...he loves Pilates.

I'm going to have to ask you to leave, madam.

No, I'm not leaving! I'm not leaving till me number comes up!

Me and this extremely fat man...will chain ourselves to the railings.

My name's Steve! Steve...The Extremely Fat Man!

I'm afraid I'm going to have to take you out.

You'll never get them on him. Have a look at his wrists, they're the size of legs!

I'm going to have to restrain YOU. What? You've got to be joking!

I'm afraid not. What?!

Look...! Oh...! Oh, my gawd!

Oh, my gawd, it's me heart! Oh! Oh!

MONITOR BEEPS Paddles.

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