Catherine Tate's Nan Page #2

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PADDLES CHARGE Clear!

Wait.

Right, then, who wants tea?

Madam, this is a sterile area!

Well, I washed this morning.

Madam, please leave!

Would she like a cup of tea?

Who is this?

I am serving a Community Service Order for disturbing the peace

and simulating a heart attack.

That is disgraceful! Hobnob?

What's all this, then?

Ah.

Is that your son, is it? That's my granddaughter.

Oh.

Shame.

Still, it's a nice frame, innit?

COMPUTER BEEPS Oh! There he is, love.

Here are, put it down there.

'Hello, Nan.' Hello, darling, how are ya?

Nan, where are you? Oh, didn't I tell you, love? I'm up the hospital.

'No. What is it?' Yeah, they've sent me up the hospital, in't they?

'Why, Nan?' Why?

I'm not well.

'Well, you don't look well, Nan.' No. It's just me blood pressure and me...lung.

And me heart. And me other lung.

How's your holiday? 'It's not a holiday, Nan.'

How's Kajagoogoo?

'Ngudu is fine, Nan. Look, are you sure you're all right?

'Can I do anything?' No, love, you just enjoy your holiday.

'The thing is, Nan, we're at a really crucial stage.

'The new filtration system...' Nan! Nan, the doctor! Yeah, don't keep on, son. Ta-ta.

Everything all right in here? Yes, thank you, love.

Now, Alfie, we can't have you moving about

if you want those bones setting properly.

Do you understand? Well... Yeah, I know, have a Rich Tea.

He loves 'em!

SHE CACKLES:

It says as long as you never threaten anyone at the council again

the matter is closed. However, if you do anything disruptive,

they will add more hours to your service

and you'll be cleaning toilets this time. Oh. Cleaning toilets this time!

What are you still doing here, anyway?

Why aren't you out with your mates?

Dunno, just chose to volunteer.

Why's that, love? Not much to do after school.

Bullied, are you? No.

Is it cos you're ginger?

No. What, the spots?

No. The smell?

No. Well, you've got to hand it to them bullies, love,

they ain't gone for the obvious, have they?

I'm a bit shy.

There's nothing wrong with shy, darling.

No-one likes a loudmouth.

You just remember...to stand up for yourself every now and again

and don't let anyone push you about.

OK. Now get out there and make me a cup of tea

and do the rest of that washing-up.

Now, what's this?

Is the tap fixed? No, course it ain't, love.

No, use the one in the bathroom.

What we got here? "Hairy Bikers go nuts."

TAP SPLUTTERS What...?

SHE CACKLES:

SHE CACKLES:

Oh! Has that one packed up an' all?

Look at the state of you. It's like you enjoy it!

Come on, I've had enough of all this. Oh!

Come on.

Yeah, it's all right, love, I've learned me lesson.

I ain't going to be no trouble. Go and get us a ticket, Alice, love.

They said if I got any more of that community service lark, I'd have to clear out the khazis.

No, thank ya!

All that hospital food?

People shitting through the eye of a needle?

No fear. No, I have been rehabilitised.

Oh, hello, sweetheart. Oh, hello, Mrs Taylor, how are you today?

Still enjoying my curries?

I 'ave not stopped.

SHE CACKLES What you doing up here, darling?

You looking for a translator?

No. Why would I want a translator?

Would you like a mint?

Happy news. My son is getting married next week

and we want to hire the Community Centre for the party.

Ah! Oh, congratulations, sweetheart.

It's going to be a big wedding, is it?

Well, we're a large family and we want everyone to celebrate, so, yes.

Oh. Oh, that's smashing, innit? Good luck to you, love.

Bye-bye. Ta-ta, sweetheart.

That's all I need, innit?

A wedding! There'll be mobs of people staying up her flat.

There'll be an elephant blocking the corridor for a start.

And you saw what happened on Blue Peter, I mean, who's going to clear that up?!

Not me! I've already done one lot of community service.

NAN SIGHS:

SHE SIGHS:

Innit hot?

Oh, innit hot, eh?

Oh, I am hot!

You hot, love?

You've got to be hot. I mean, it stands to reason, don't it?

I mean, if I'm hot...you've got to be roasting, ain't ya?

You've got to be roasting. I mean, I don't know how you do it, darling, I really don't!

I'd be sick, I'd be so hot.

I would. I'd be sat here...spewing.

I'd be sick!

Sick! Sick! Sick!

I'd have a bilious attack then I'd be sick, I would be so hot!

BUZZER Number 485.

Oh, here are, that's me.

Anyway, hope you catch a breeze, darling.

She's got a point, it is hot.

Good afternoon.

Number 485? Yes, dear. Here you are.

Have you filled out your forms? I have, love.

Did you take the correct forms in the corresponding colours?

Yes, I did, dear.

I have a numbered ticket of which number you have just called out.

I filled out a form from the red section

and I sat in the blue section.

I've done everything you asked me to do,

now...could someone

please fix my bastard taps?

Right, Mrs Taylor, we've processed all your forms

and I'm afraid to say that, unfortunately,

it is not a priority case.

Not a priority case?! I'm 75 years old!

Nonetheless, you're in good health, you live alone...

What you talking about?!

My granddaughter, Alice, lives with me now!

So you have another person to help you around the house?

Well, she's no help, she's useless.

And...blind.

Blind?! Yeah.

Say hello, Alice.

Poor blind Alice. What?!

Just say hello!

In front of you is a spinster...

..what smells of cats and loneliness...

..who wants to help us.

Hello.

She's not blind. She is! Why's she holding a book? That's mine.

Percy Jackson And The Lightning Thief? You're reading that?

Yes, I am.

"It's perfectly paced with electrifying moments

"that chase each other like heartbeats.

"The New York Times."

She's not blind, Mrs Taylor. We can all see she's not blind.

Well, she can't!

May I remind you, Mrs Taylor,

that impersonating someone with a disability is a crime.

You calling her a liar?!

My poor blind, ginger Alice?!

There is no way this girl is blind!

Of course she's blind! If she weren't blind,

she'd duck.

You see? You all right, love?

Security, please! Oh, leave off!

I can't see! Oh, it's no good now, Alice, she don't believe us.

Put your hands behind your back. Yeah, all right, I'm coming.

Oh, I suppose this means I've got to clean out the khazis now, does it?

Come on, Alice, we're off. No, really, I can't see!

Oh, don't take the piss, love.

Hark at this.

"Dear Deirdre, I found my husband wearing my underwear

"and I don't know what to do."

Deirdre says, "Your husband is exploring his feminine side,

"support and encourage him on his journey."

What a load of old sh*t!

I once caught my old man eating butterscotch Angel Delight,

I slung him out for a fortnight.

That cured him.

Cos of Angel Delight? That's how it starts, love.

One minute they're tucking into some nancy pudding,

the next minute they're trying on your drawers when your back's turned.

You've got to nip that in the bud!

COMPUTER BEEPS Oh! Here are, here are, put it on there.

'Nan, are you all right? You look worse.'

I'm all right, darling. You look tired, though, son.

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