Catherine Tate's Nan Page #3

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You should come home and get some rest.

'I've been up all night.'

With Agadoodoo?

'Ngudu, yeah.'

Is that sh*t on your face?

'It's mud, Nan.' That's none of my business, love.

'We've been building a hut for...' When you going to come up and see me?

You going to come up and see me? 'Nan, how bad is it?'

Nan! Nan, the doctor! Oh, I'm going!

'What?! Nan?!'

Where's Alfie? Er...he just popped to the toilet, doctor.

He isn't supposed to get out of bed.

I know, doctor, but you know Alfie, he fought in two world wars,

he's too proud to pony on his mattress.

Finished.

Alfie is a very ill man, Mrs Taylor!

You have been grossly negligent and if there's any relapse in Alfie's condition,

I will hold you entirely responsible.

Thank you very much.

Can I get back in bed? Of course you can, darling.

You can have a nice rest...

just as soon as you make me a nice cup of tea.

SHE CACKLES:

Ta-ta.

Nan? Yes, love? I'm not going to do this any more.

Do what? I've put in for a transfer.

I'm going to be working with another lady. What?!

Well, it's just... It's not you. Well, I know it's not me.

Of course it's you! It's definitely you!

You keep getting me into trouble. You nearly blinded me and...

you're not very nice.

You told me to stand up for meself.

Yeah, well, good for you.

I don't need you anyway. Who you going to buddy up with instead?

Her name's Lizzie Maynard. Oh, not old Lizzie Maynard!

Good luck with her, love. What a moaner!

She don't stop banging on about her boiler.

Boiler this, boiler that. Yeah, keep a lid on it, love,

there's people with real problems out here.

Boiler! Boiler! Boiler!

Have fun with her, love.

Bye, then. Ta-ta!

Here, Alice. Yeah?

We had a laugh, didn't we?

No.

OVER PHONE:
'Please state clearly the nature of the repair.'

Me tap.

'Please repeat that.'

Me tap.

'I'm sorry I don't understand "me-tap".'

Me...

bastard...tap!

'Press zero for more options.' Oh!

'If you are calling regarding recycling, press one.' No.

'If you are calling regarding pest control, press two.' No.

'If you are calling because you are Mrs Joannie Taylor,

'please find something else to do with your time and never show your face again at the council office.'

Shove it...

up...your...arse!

Innit hot?!

You hot?

BUZZER Number 561.

SHE SPEAKS FLATLY Hello.

I am a woman.

I was wondering if you might help me.

The flat what I am currently staying in has a problem with the taps.

And what is your name?

Mrs...

Smith.

Is it?

And what is the current address you're staying at?

10 Devonshire Court.

How interesting, that's where a Mrs Joannie Taylor lives.

With her blind granddaughter, yes.

And according to our records

is no longer allowed within a one-mile radius of this office.

I didn't know that.

Just as well I came instead, then.

I just want to know why you suddenly changed your mind?

It's the council's decision, not mine! But you could help!

What's the matter, sweetheart?

Miss Donnelly says she will not allow my son to get married in the Community Centre

because they're not allowed to have a religious service.

What?! That's disgraceful!

First your wedding, now my taps.

When are you going to get off your bony arse and help us?

I'm not! And I am delighted to say

that this little charade of yours is now officially over.

I have you on camera attempting to commit identity fraud,

engaging in abusive behaviour and contravening your restraining order.

Yeah, and what part of that's against the law?

All of it. Is it? Is it? Right, well, I won't keep you.

Oh, come on, don't be like that!

How long we known each other, Darren? It's Geoff.

Well, it's close enough.

Oh, no, you don't!

You can't get away with this, Ms Donnelly.

Here, what you doing here? I thought you'd left me for old Lizzie Maynard.

Oh, she kept banging on about her boiler.

I told you, didn't I? Excuse me, what is going on here?

You are in contravention of council rules, which stipulate

that all employees must prioritise members of the community over 74

and always treat them with respect.

You've been f***ing horrible!

NAN CACKLES:

That's Braille, by the way.

Of course I'm horrible!

You try dealing with you scum day in, day out.

I mean, look at you all -

layabout, junkie, thief, murderer,

halitosis, an extremely fat man!

For goodness' sake! My BMI is only slightly above average!

How dare you speak to these wonderful people like that?!

Who do you think you are?!

We are a community!

We are individuals who come together!

ALL:
Yes!

Whether Indian,

morbidly obese...

..drag act...

..or Muslim like meself.

We are a community who supports and cares for one another!

ALL:
Yeah! Right? Yeah!

And if you won't let these fine upstanding people

have a wedding in our Community Centre,

then f*** ya, you miserable old witch,

they can have it back at my flat.

ALL:
Yeah!

ALL CHEER:

I'm afraid that won't be possible, Mrs...Smith!

As a council-owned property, parties of over ten people are not allowed.

Yeah? Well, thing is, love, it ain't a council-owned property.

I own my flat. Bought it back in the 1980s. Thank you, Mrs Thatcher!

How do you like them apples? SHE CACKLES

ALL:
Yeah! Well, if you own the flat,

you're not entitled for us to fix the taps!

Well, it was worth a try, weren't it?

Come on! All back to mine!

# I said to me mother let me 'ave a talk with Dad

# When he came to the telephone, he wasn't half mad

# Said, "She's got no sense, silly little cow"

# "If he comes round here there's gonna be a row"

# I don't care, I don't care, I don't care if he comes round here

# I've got my beer in the sideboard here

# Let your mother sort it out if he comes round here... #

I didn't realise there was this many of you, you're multiplying like a virus.

Right, no, you're not bringing that elephant in here,

what do we do if it needs to go to the lav?

I've already been to the toilet!

Make yourself at home, love.

Here, listen, it's only one onion bhaji per head, all right?

Thank you so much for helping us.

It's all I could do, darling, after all them lovely curries.

Hit it, boys!

ALL:
# I don't care, I don't care, I don't care if he comes round here

# I've got my beer in the sideboard here

# Let your mother sort it out if he comes round here

# I don't care, I don't care, I don't care if he comes round... # Nan!

Nan, what is going on? I thought you were on your deathbed?

Oh...

Yeah...

I got better, didn't I?

I left behind a whole school of children who needed help.

Did ya?

Ne'er mind.

Here, while you're here, son, you couldn't have a quick look at my taps, could you?

SHE CACKLES:

Hit it, fellas!

ALL:
# I don't care, I don't care, I don't care if he comes round here

# I've got my beer in the sideboard here

# Let your mother sort it out if he comes round here

# I don't care, I don't care, I don't care if he comes round here

# I've got my beer in the sideboard here

# Let your mother sort it out if he comes round here

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